Tobacco Juice Sports

Letters....To Santa

2009-12-30T14:14:00.002-05:00

Remember when you were a little kid and you got that really ~~shitty~~ awesome Christmas present from Santa Claus like socks or ugly clothes, or last years Madden because it was cheaper? Of course you did, hell we all did (expect for my Jewish readers who got to play dreidel drinking games all night before Moses came and blew out the candles, that's how Hanukkah works right?). Have you ever wanted to write Santa a letter and tell him how much of an asshole he was for giving you shitty presents? These are those.

Dear Santa,
I wrote you earlier to ask you for a very special present this year. I wanted the Tigers to win the the division. Now I hate you and think you're a bigger cocktease than most of the girls I dated in high school. Just when I thought I was going to get what I wanted, you took it away from me.

You Suck!
Cole

Dear Santa,
I asked for some talented new players with new attitudes and a large defensive minded center who may or may not have already won a championship in this league. Instead, you gave me more overpriced guys who can't shoot and an aging defensive minded center who is half the man he used to be. If it is possible I'd like you to give my present early this year in the form of a lottery pick for the NBA Draft. I can't possibly screw that up right?

Regards,
Joe Dumars

Dear Santa,
I wrote you a lot this year and I was a very good boy. You gave me everything I asked for this year. My football team went undefeated and won the Big East, I was offered and accepted my dream job at Notre Dame, hell, my players didn't even curbstomp anyone at a night club this year! If I could just ask one more favor from you this year...and I promise to be very good next year...if you could just send me a wildly unsuccessful former head coach from a small time conference who has no past experience calling plays at any level and is generally considered a joke by industry insiders to be my offensive coordinator...oh wow thanks Santa!! You gave me everything I wanted!!

Go Irish!
BK

Dear Santa,
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?? I ASK FOR AT LEAST A WINNING SEASON AND YOU GIVE ME LAST PLACE IN THE BIG TEN?? WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU, YOU SONOFABITCH?? YOU KNOW WHAT, SKIP MY HOUSE NEXT YEAR. IF YOU TRY TO LAND ON MY ROOF I'M GONNA GO ALL WEST FUCKIN VIRGINIA ON YOUR ASS! STAY AWAY FROM ME! I'LL DO IT MYSELF NEXT YEAR YA PRICK!

Rich Rodriguez

Dear Santa,
I thought I was pretty good this year. All I really wanted was to go out and have a couple beers with my friends from the White Sox and you gave me that. Now, what I didn't ask for was for my wife to kick the everloving shit out of me during the last and most important weekend of the season causing a giant distraction and contributing to the downfall of my team's season. Dude....wtf was that??? Next year I'll just take some play-doh.

Miguel Cabrera

Dear Satan,
Hey buddy, just wanted to thank you for allowing me the opportunity to destroy the hopes and dreams of Catholics nationwide by running their offense directly into the ground. Owe ya one.

JG

Dear Santa,
Thanks for the hair gel but could you get me a team that is competent defensively and could stay off the injured list please? Thanks.

Mike Babcock

Dear Santa,
Thanks for the neverending supply of chicks to bang on the road. That's a great gift. Next year though, I'll just take a new 5 iron. My wife kind of ruined mine.

Tiger Woods

Dear Santa,
I asked for a football team that didn't blow horse penis. Well Santa, you let me down again. At least we have a quarterback who sounds really tough when he's mic'd up on the NFL network. Oh and that "new" logo and jersey design you gave me...yeah we play in the NFL not in Canada. Oh and another thing, thanks for the gift of ruining our reputation even more by giving us Kwame Kilpatrick a few years ago. Great move there asshole. Why don't you just give us the gift of fire so we can get rid of some of the crack and rape houses we have all over the place next year. When are you going to stop kicking us when we're down? You know what, just skip it next year. Just give us McDonald's gift cards or something.

The City of Detroit

Dear Santa,
I asked for a playoff system and all I got was another load of BCS bullshit. Thanks for nothing. I'm gonna go play dreidel drinking games now.

America

Hope everyone had a great Christmas and an even better New Year's Eve. Try not to pass out in the yard this year. Here's a hot chick.

*UPDATE* I just saw this video and...well yeah just watch it.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Big Things Poppin

2009-12-11T15:43:00.005-05:00

Brian Kelly decided to not listen to a guy who occasionally writes a sports type blog thing and took the job at Notre Dame.

This bothers me.

Notre Dame is where great coaches go to die (Tyrone Willingham). Where up and comers nosedive into the broadcast booth (Bob Davie). Where you will have marginal success early and then crash and burn (Big Fat Charlie). The last coach to have any sort of legitimate success at Notre Dame...is Lou Holtz. (Lou f-ing Holtz?? Really?)

When I say this, I have to tell you that I am 100% pulling for Brian Kelly to be successful at Notre Dame. For 11 of the 12 games they play in 2010, I'll be rootin for the Irish. Did he kind of leave Cincy at a bad time? Hell yes he did. But didn't the same thing happen when he left CMU? Yes. He left before they played in the Motor City Bowl (yes I know the Motor City Bowl is not the Orange Bowl but it's still a big deal for CMU) and completely abandoned ship. He left Jeff Quinn in charge, and Quinner went out there with the Chips and won the game. Quinn probably should have gotten the head job after that, but he didn't and he stayed with Kelly. And history repeats itself this year. Quinn is leading Cincy to play Florida. They will win, he will be mentioned as a head coaching candidate, and then go coach the O-Line at Notre Dame.

Yes, I realize that what BK did comes off as shady to some people out there. But c'mon guys, it's a business and sometimes feelings get hurt. Also...how do you expect any kid to go to Notre Dame if it's the second week of January and you just named your next head coach. BK didn't have a choice as far as when he moved to South Bend. It had to be immediate so he could start recruiting and getting his guys in. And you can't blame the guy either. Let's go through the dream job checklist.
Irish? Check.
Catholic? Check.
College Football Coach? Check.
Yeah, his dream job is to be the head coach at Notre Dame.

I wish him luck and I honestly hope against hope that he doesn't end up like the others.

In other news...
Granderson is gone. Jackson is gone. Lyon is gone. Rodney is most likely gone. Guillen could possibly be traded. Zumaya is still here (awesome?).

Ask any Detroit Tigers fan or follower and they will tell you that Curtis Granderson was an absolute class act like Yzerman and Dumars. Granderson spent 6 years here in Detroit and his charities did more for the city than probably the city council could. Granderson will definitely be missed and he will return to Detroit this season with the Yankees and everyone will give him a standing ovation. He deserves it.

It's time to face facts...the Tigers are gonna have a little bit of a different look and mentality when spring training rolls around. The Granderson/Jackson trade brings the Tigers 4 young players that all have tremendous upside. The first one and probably the centerpiece of this trade is going to be Austin Jackson. Basically...he's Granderson from 6 years ago. Can hit for power and average. Can steal you some bases. Plays borderline solid defense. I can honestly say that I think he is going to work out well if not very well for the Tigers in the years to come.

Scherzer has been called "Arizona's Porcello." People down in Arizona were very excited about him last year. He finished with a non earth shattering 9-11 record and an ERA that was over 4.50 but he's a young guy with a powerful arm. Given the Tigers recent track record with young starters, I like this pickup. Oh and he has different colored eyes. Get your "Eye of the Tiger" signs ready.

Daniel Schlereth was Ryan Perry's teammate at Arizona and was born in Anchorage, Alaska so that basically makes him better than me or you. He's another kid with a big arm and some control problems but remember...he's only 23 and the sky is the limit. I would love to see a Schlereth/Perry setup/closer duo. Seriously, that'd be bad ass.

Phil Coke is a lefty reliever from the Yankees who pitched decently in the playoffs and in the late months of last season. He's Bobby Seay sans the whimsy.

Like I said, I hate to see Curtis and Edwin leave, but I still think that we won, and potentially won big with this trade.

Other rumors out there include Carlos Guillen being traded to LA for Juan Pierre and if they could pull that off...I'd be happier than a big in shit. I have a love/hate relationship with Carlos and really, I wouldn't be at all upset to see him leave. He gets hurt too much and has proven that he is typically the anti-clutch. That and Pierre has lead off experience and would be a left handed bat in a heavy right handed lineup. I'm keeping my fingers crossed but not getting my hopes up.

I watched the Pistons highlights on SportsCenter this morning and they kind of piqued my interest a little bit. The way they were playing last night reminded me of the good old days. Scrappy, hard nosed, rebound and defense minded (yes I know Melo dropped 40 on them). They just seemed to have a bit of the fight in them that they used to. I'm still not gonna watch them, but they did deserve mention.

The Wings...what the hell?? Suddenly everyone wearing the Winged-Wheel has turned into glass. Something has to change and change quick.

Oh, this just in...Tiger Woods just banged your wife, daughter, mom, sister, and great aunt. Just wanted to let you know.

And here's a hot chick...

Back By Semi-Popular Demand

2009-12-07T18:58:00.005-05:00

June 4th, 2009. The day Tobacco Juice Sports was put on life support. There were no signs of life. It was being kept alive only by machine like Ted Williams or that lady that caused all the ruckus a few years back. From that day until this day, I was like one of the relatives visiting the comatose patient less and less until it was almost completely forgotten about and never spoken of again.

Fast forward (or is it re-wind or push play?) to today. December 7th, 2009. THAT COMATOSE SUNNUVABITCH WOKE UP!!

I'M BACK BABY!!

I'm fairly certain nobody missed me and I'm fine with it. Let's recap what's happened since I decided to drop off the face of the blogosphere.

I lost the Fat White Guy Challenge due to pure laziness and indifference.

I played a lot of golf.

The Tigers blew a 7 game lead in the division and watched the assholes from New York win the World Series.

Brandon Inge got hit with a pitch with the bases loaded and was not awarded 1st base.

The Wings didn't re-sign Hossa and lost Kopecky and Hudler to free agency or Russia (there were probably others but those are the three that hurt me, and them, the most).

The Lions are bad...but I have completely reversed my opinion of Matt Stafford.

The Pistons are still my least favorite thing in the world....

Tiger Woods banged a bunch of hot chicks because he's Tiger Woods and you're not and he can do that sort of thing except he got caught and his hot wife got pissed and a shitstormbomb exploded.

The Tigers are in the midst of what is being called "Not a Firesale"

And finally, The BCS covered its own ass by scheduling Boise State and TCU to play against each other in the biggest goddamned copout in the history of anything.

Now that we're all kind of caught up with the random things I pulled out of thin air that may or may not have happened, let's get to the matter(s) at hand and talk about things that really piss me off because, unlike the Hulk, people tend to like me more when I'm angry.

First of all, maybe it's just me but I don't think that Tiger Woods crashing his car at the end of his own driveway after running from his freakishly strong and ridiculously hot Swedish wife after she found out he's been doing what every superstar in the world has been doing since Ty Cobb tagged Anne Margaret and that's going around banging hot chicks in various cities around the world, is worthy of CNN dropping everything and sending a helicopter to his house. Last I heard, Tiger's real name is not Eldrick "Tiger" Christ. The dude is human and he did what most of us dream doing. Travel the world, make gazillions playing golf, and bang random hot chicks. Enough is enough. (Yes I realize the man has a family and he probably shouldn't have been such a retard about it but c'mon, he's been perfect and polished his entire life...a controversy like this was bound to happen.)

Speaking of random hot chicks...Carrie Underwood is on my TV wearing what appears to be some sort of leather pants. Ho-ly-Shit.

Anyways, what was I talking about? Oh right...things that piss me off and other random nonsense.

After listening to 97.1 the Ticket for the better part of 3 and a half consecutive hours while running an errand to Lake Orion and back (don't ask), and the main talk on the Valenti and Foster show was how the Tigers were essentially having a fire sale after not making the playoffs this year. I wouldn't exactly call it a fire sale as much as a cost reduction tactic. Think of it like this. Right now, the Tigers are a chick with a huge rack. It's nice to look at, but for them, it's pretty uncomfortable, so they're gonna go ahead and have a reduction so they still look nice, but they're more comfortable with what they have. If they have to trade Granderson and/or Jackson and/or Cabrera and/or Barry Badrinath (Gerald Laird for those who don't think he looks like said character from BeerFest and if you haven't seen the movie it's time to move out of your cave) so they're more fiscally comfortable, and potentially younger, deeper, and more talented, then I'm completely on board. Look, things are tough right now, but if the Twins can do it with a reduced payroll, why not the Tigers? Hell, I'd rather they do it that way. It's much better than buying a championship like the Yankees have been doing, or trying to do, for the last two decades. Keep the faith Tigers fans, everything is gonna be fine.

As for Matt Stafford...click here and tell me you're not a fan. If you claim to be a football fan and say that after watching the video you're not a Matt Stafford fan and supporter, then you my friend...are an asshole. This is exactly what the Lions have needed since the days of Bobby Layne. A blood and guts, whatever it takes, follow my lead and we're gonna win, type leader at the quarterback position. Are the Lions still 2-10? Yes but c'mon people...there are 22 positions not counting special teams on a football team. Being able to say that you're set at two of them (QB and WR Calvin Johnson is the real deal folks) is not going to help you. We need to at least be shooting .500 and have 11 guys that are halfway decent before we are gonna win. We have a great coach and a mildly better front office...things are gonna change in the next few years I can feel it.

As for the corporate greed that exploits student athletes playing division 1 football in America, better known as the Bowl Championship Series. They screwed it up. That's all there is to say. I 100% agree with Texas and Alabama playing in the mythical "championship" game. Anyone who argues against that probably rode the short bus to school and I did not, so I am not arguing against that. Cincy playing Florida is fine as well. Iowa playing Georgia Tech on the other hand is freaking awful. But not nearly as awful and shady as TCU playing Boise State.

And here is why. TCU and Boise play in non-BCS conferences the Mountain West and the Western Athletic Conference. These two conferences lack the firepower (and cashflow) that the SEC, Big Ten, ACC, PAC-10, and Big East (to a lesser extent) have from top to bottom. New Mexico State would get CRUSHED by teams like Iowa State, Michigan, Washington State, or Duke (maybe) just because they simply have more money and typically better athletes because of the conferences they play in and finished near the bottom of. Since Boise and TCU play teams like New Mexico State and San Jose State, the rest of the country seems to feel as if their 12-0 records don't count and they don't deserve a shot at playing one of the big boys from the BCS conferences in a BCS game. That being said, remember 2006 when Boise State beat Oklahoma in a game where the Sooners were favored by two or more touchdowns in the Fiesta Bowl? Remember last year when Utah beat heavily favored Alabama in the whatever it was Bowl and rightfully claimed that they deserved to be National Champions? Yeah, the BCS decided to nip that little problem in the bud and let the two teams from the weaker conferences with undefeated records play each other so they didn't have to risk an embarassing loss for a BCS conference school like Iowa, Gerogia Tech, or Florida. They also didn't want to risk having potentially 4 undefeated teams at the end of the year, proving what everyone in the world already knows, that the BCS is the biggest bullshit moneymaking ponzi scheme in the history of civilization. TCU and Boise State deserve to play Iowa and Georgia Tech just to prove that just because they play shitbird teams, doesn't mean that they're shitbird teams themselves. And in my honest heart of hearts, I truly believe that TCU could beat Texas, Alabama, Florida, or Cincy. Those teams got absolutely hosed.

Speaking of college football, Brian Kelly and Jim Harbaugh are expected to interview at Notre Dame tomorrow. If Kelly is as smart as I hope he is, he will turn that job down. Notre Dame is where good coaches go to die. That and can you imagine running that pass happy offense in South Bend in November? It's cold as shit in South Bend in November! That'd be a HUGE mistake. Coach Kelly, do us all a favor, stay in Cincy and bring them a National Championship. Don't sell out like I know you probably will.

On a personal note...it's damn good to back. Maybe more tomorrow or the next day.

Oh and there's a picture of Jennifer Love Hewitt to make up for lost time. Speaking of random hot chicks...I'm gonna need suggestions again for the Official Hot Chick of Tobacco Juice Sports.

I'm Still Alive

2009-06-04T17:09:00.006-04:00

Yep, still alive just haven't been blogging due to superstitious reasons.

The Wings were on a hell of a run, and I didn't want to screw it up by blogging about it.

Things have changed and here I am, back at the keyboard on a day where I should clearly be out golfing.

Speaking of golf...

This past Sunday I played with Masten and Bechtel at the Grande in Jackson. Mike Vecellio, our elementary school gym teacher and varsity basketball coach at Grass Lake Elementary and High School (and one of the best overall people I have ever met in my life) is in charge of outings and leagues out at the Grande and he got us a Sunday morning tee time for 7:30.

For those of you that don't play golf, there is nothing quite like being the first group out on the course on a sunny Sunday morning. The fog was just lifting, the sun was rising, birds chirping, I tell ya, the whole thing was just poetic. Beautiful does not do it justice.

For those of you that don't know, Masten and Bechtel are both in the golf industry. Bechtel is the course superintendent at Calderone Farms in Grass Lake while Masten is now a PGA Tour certified teaching pro based out of Myrtle Beach at Arrowhead Golf Course. These are two of my best friends in the world and both of them are needless to say, better than me at the great game of golf.

That being said, let's talk briefly about the round. I started out amazingly. I crushed my first drive off the tee and then from about 115 yards or so pitched up onto the green within about ten feet. I ended up two putting the hole for a par to start off my first round at one of the best courses in Michigan. On the par 3 second hole, I won a dollar off my playing partners by sticking my tee shot about 7 feet from the pin. Another two putt and another par and everything was coming up Cole.

And then the wheels feel off for the next two holes when I went 8 and 7 but then settled down to shoot a 52 on the front. Not bad, but not great. At that point, I was just happy to be out there.

I caught a bad case of the shanks on the start of the back nine but rallied to par a couple of holes late and shoot another 52. Like I said, I was just happy to be out there. The course opened in 2001 and I had never played it. I have to say, I'm glad I waited to at least gain some sort of skill before I went out there. The fairways were pretty wide for the most part but errant drives were quick to find the thick rough, woods, or water. The greens were unlike anything I've seen. To say they were fast and undulating (hilly) would be an understatement. Far and away the toughest greens I've ever played. At the same time though, the greens were surprisingly easy to read and every putt rolled true. My opinion of the course was high going in, and even higher going out. On a scale of 1-10, I give it about a 37 and I can't thank Coach V for getting us out there enough.

Now, on to other things.

The Wings play in 2 hours and 17 minutes. Datsyuk is rumored to be back in the lineup and Draper is rumored to be a healty scratch. A lot of people have been talking about how the Wings haven't exactly been playing well this series. I don't understand what they (Mike Valenti on 97.1 mainly) are talking about. Games 1 and 2 were absolutely dominated by the Red Wings. The out shot, out hit, out hustled, out defended, and simply out played the Penguins in those two games. How can anyone complain about how they were playing? I don't understand it.

As for tonight, I see it as an absolute must win game. The last thing I want is for this series to be tied and for it to possibly go to seven games. As much as I love game sevens, I hate them because anything and everything can and will happen. This makes tonight's game a must win game. Just in the sense that I don't want it to go seven games.

What will happen tonight? I think it will look something like this...just imagine the chicken is a Penguin.

The game tonight will be on Versus...which reminds me of a rant I wanted to go on.

THE NHL IS BEING SCREWED BY NBC AND THE FLIMSY CONTRACT WITH NBC/VERSUS NEGOTIATED BY GARY BETTMAN AND HIS CRONIES!!

This is the Stanley Cup Finals. One of the greatest spectacles in all of sports. It should be aired nationally. It isn't aired nationally. NBC has instead chosen to air the embarassment to American society and culture that is "I'm a Celebrity Get Me Outta Here." This is why we have to watch the game on Versus. I cannot tell you how mad this makes me. Whoever put the stamp of approval on this, be it at NBC or with the NHL (which folded like a cheap lawn chair on this issue which pisses me off even more) needs to be fired on the spot. And then publicly beaten and humiliated. Tarred and feathered even. Out of protest, I am going to watch the rest of the Finals on the Canadian channel CBC. I still can't believe a show featuring a bunch of D-List asswipes is on instead of the Stanley Cup Finals. It boggles the mind and PISSES ME OFF!!!

SCREW YOU HOCKEY JESUS! BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS MALKIN! YOU SUCK FLEURY! YOU'RE A GOON HAL GILL! YOU'RE EASILY THE WORST STAAL BROTHER JORDAN STAAL! GODDAMNIT DETROIT BEAT THESE CLOWNS TONIGHT AND WIN THE DAMN THING AT THE JOE ON SATURDAY!!!

PITTSBURGH SUCKS!!!

Quick News

2009-05-14T01:45:00.007-04:00

First of all...remember what I said about Brandon Lyon? Yep, he's still my least favorite Tiger since Bobby "F.U. Pay Me" Higginson. Time to release Brandon Lyon. He's just more proof that anything that sounds like "Lions" cannot be successful in Detroit.

In other news...I've finally caved and joined up with Twitter on a trial basis. If I find it annoying after a couple weeks (which is likely) then I'll probably delete the account but that's neither here nor there. You can read random nonsense about my day to day ridiculousness by clicking on the "Cole's Twitter" link over there to the right or you can just type in twitter.com/anthony_cole. Some of them will be funny because, when you look at my life, how can you really not laugh. Personally, I blame insomnia for the Twitter.

GAME SEVEN TOMORROW!
And of course, I have a class that I cannot miss from 5:30-8:40. It's ok though, it's Intro to Film Appreciation (yeah, you read it right) and while we're watching the movie in the class, I will be listening to 97.1 The Ticket to get my Wings fix. While we're talking Wings, I'm going to give a bold prediction...Pavel Datsyuk will score at least one goal tomorrow.

SCREW YOU GORDON BOMBAY!!!

Go Wings!

2009-05-09T22:20:00.001-04:00

Mobile letter...Dear Cleveland Indians, way to not score a run in two straight games against the Tigers. I hear the minors are looking for an expansion team. Na nahhh na na HEEEEY YOU SUCK! Love, Cole PS Drew Carey was wrong. You obviously do not rock.

Dad Cussed Me Out About Not Blogging

2009-05-08T14:35:00.003-04:00

That is probably the greatest headline for any of the 104 (well, 105 after this one) blog posts I've ever thrown up there.

Anyways, I'm back from my mental health hiatus and back to the blogger screen. And the dozen or so people who are fans of this blog rejoice with a stifled yawn.

A lot has happened since the last post so here is a quick rundown...

The Tigers are 3 games back of the Royals (the Royals??) in the division. I went to last Saturday's game against Cleveland (which does not rock) with the roommates with seats that were entirely too good for slaps like us, courtesy of middle brother's girlfriend's dad which is nice. One thing I have to mention is this...am I the only person who still hates Cleveland and people who root for Cleveland? I'm disappointed in the lack of participation in "Cleveland Sucks!" chants after the game. I thought Detroit fans were a little bit meaner than that. It was fun though if I can remember right.

The Wings tied up the series against the Ducks last night with a 6-3 win. Hossa decided to play and netted two goals for the Winged Wheel and that guy called Mule had a nice three point night as well. It seems as if the Wings have finally figured out how to effectively play Anaheim by not sinking to their level and playing actual skilled hockey, which Anaheim is clearly unable to play because they're just a bunch of freakin goons. Usually I love me some goonery but the first three games of this series just really pissed me off. Scrums after every whistle, cheap shots (Mike Brown's cheap shot elbow to Hudler's head for example), and just general dumbassery by Gordon Bombay's Ducks. It was refreshing to see some actual hockey last night.

Z mentioned to me the need for an anti-Brett Favre post. I agree with Z. This Favre nonsense has to stop and it has to stop now! Now, ESPN, I realize it is a slow-ish time in the sports world but to have the always borderline hot Rachel Nichols camping out outside Favre's plantation in Mississippi is the definition of media overkill. Now, let's say Favre does in fact come out of retirement. All this means is another mediocre season for whatever team signs him. As much as I love watching Brett Favre play football, I have to admit his time is up. Brett Favre has no business being an NFL quarterback anymore. It's time for him to hang it up and ride off into the ever fading sunset. And it's time for ESPN to stop reporting on how many times Brett Favre wiped his ass that day, and maybe I dunno, talk about hockey more.

Speaking of hockey. Alexander Ovechkin is far and away my favorite non Red Wing player in the NHL. Watch this video, you'll understand.

One thing I haven't mentioned at all is the NFL Draft. It's been a while but here's what I think about it. The Lions did not screw up the draft nearly as bad as I thought they would. Granted, the Stafford pick will most likely go down as one of the worst picks in NFL history, ranking up there with Ki-Jana Carter, Brian Bosworth, Joey Harrington, and Ryan Leaf. I really hope I'm wrong but I'm pretty sure I'm not. With everyone clamoring for Rey Maulauga or however you spell it with the pick at #20, the Lions surprised everyone and went with Brandon Pettigrew the TE out of Okie State. Personally, I really liked the pick even though an offensive lineman would have probably been the better pick here but in all reality, Pettigrew is an absolute stud and will be a very good NFL tight end. The pick that shocked me even more was the choice of Louis Delmas from Western. I didn't realize he was so highly rated. I watched the kid play throughout his time at WMU and I figured he was a decent player but never thought he was a second round pick. For the sake of the Mid-American Conference, I am really rooting for Delmas to be an absolute badass the likes of Bob Sanders just to show everyone in the country that the MAC is a hell of a conference with some really good football players. Like I said, the Lions didn't do nearly as bad as I thought they would in the 2009 draft but nobody will ever truly know how good or bad this draft class was until about 2012 when the Lions win the Super Bowl, I graduate from college, and the world comes to an end.

In other news that ESPN is really dead horsing, Manny Ramierez got busted for the juice and will have to sit out the next 50 games. Is it just me or does every Scott Boras client abuse the juice? Speaking of Scott Boras juicers, DoucheTard A-Rod is almost ready to come back to the Yanks. I have no opinion other than A-Rod sucks.

Ok, that's it for me. Here's a picture of Official Hot Chick of Tobacco Juice Sports Elisha Cuthbert. Oh, and we are now taking suggestions for the next Official Hot Chick of TJS. Nominate your hot chicks by commenting and then we'll vote on them.
Good to be back.

NOOOOOO!!!!!!

2009-04-24T09:12:00.006-04:00

OF ALL THE BARS IN GRASS LIKE WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE THE SHACK????

Jackson Citizen Patriot Story Here.

At least Missy says she'll be able to rebuild. Way to burn down the only good bar in town doucher!

Oh and the Wings swept the BJs! MULE!

Avril Lavigne is Hot Because She's Canadian

2009-04-22T20:19:00.006-04:00

*DISCLAIMER*
This post has nothing to do with Avril Lavigne, even though her hotness is undeniable.

I received some troubling medical news today...and it's on YouTube for everyone to see...

That's right. I'm a fat ass. There was a time in my life where I could be proud of the fatness, but that time has long been gone. So I did what anyone else would have done...

I joined a contest.

Rob Lunn over at FWG started the "Formerly Fat White Guy" contest and I'm one of 6 contestants competing for prizes. The person to lose the most weight by July 18th wins. First place gets a couple FWG T-shirts and free UConn football tickets (Lunn played at UConn...seriously read his blog). Second place gets T-Shirts and takes over the FWG Blog for the day. Naturally, I'm shooting for second place because people actually read his blog.

Lunn had this to say about me...
"A lot of people go to school for 9 years, we call them doctors. But in this case, we’ll call him “Tony.” Tony sent me an email telling me that he was basically a chronic underachiever and in keeping with that theme would only be trying for second place, meaning he’d get to take over the blog for a day, score a free t-shirt, and go back to his life of mediocrity. I like his commitment (or lack thereof?)."

As depressing as it sounds, the guy hit it on the head. But not only am I a chronic underachiever, I am a horribly competitive chronic underachiever with a bit of a gambling problem. I'm currently taking side bets with whoever wants to step up. Go on over to the Formerly Fat White Guy Contest Page and pick your pony. Then leave me a comment and let's gamble! It's not about winning and losing, it's about living a healthy lifestyle...and avoiding this...

Red Wings Live Blog Tomorrow at 7. How about you pricks actually show up this time?

Red Wings LiveBlog!

2009-04-21T16:13:00.000-04:00

Red Wings LiveBlog

Mobile Posting Yo!

2009-04-19T21:11:00.002-04:00

I found out I could text in a post to blogger and they'll post is for me. I'm kinda fired up about this. No pictures is a bummer but whatever. I went with mom and pop on a road trip to Kansas city this weekend to watch lil bros spring game at Avila university. It was raining kinda hard so the coach there cancelled the game. An hour later it was 72 and sunny. Fail. Anyways, the wings are up 2-0 in their series with the BJs. Ozzie and the Wings blanked the BJs 4-0 last night and the series heads to Columbus Tuesday. I would love to liveblog it but I have too much homework to get done for my finals on Tuesday. 10 page rhetorical criticism of GW Bush's speech after 9/11. Should be fun. Is it just me or does it really appear that the Wings are playing extremely well to start this playoff run? Ozzie's play has been just one big FU to everyone who doubted him and i love it! How bout the pistons letting Bron Bron run wild for 38 last night? C'mon guys, at least ACT like you give a rat's ass. The Tigers won last night behind a great performance by Jackson. He's proving to be quite the pickup. Currently im in the backseat of the parent's impala with lil brother's dog Axle. It's raining and we just passed the sign for William Stratton state park on I-80 in Illinois. I'm expecting about 5 more hours until we get back to Grass Lake. Awesome.

It's 180 miles to Chicago. We've got half a tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses. HIT IT!

RED WINGS LIVE BLOG

2009-04-16T18:57:00.000-04:00

Red Wings LiveBlog!

It's About That Time Eh?

2009-04-15T15:19:00.003-04:00

Tonight starts the opening round of the NHL playoffs. In case you don't read the paper or have a TV set or live in Arizona, the Wings drew the Columbus Blue Jackets for the first round.

Due to the fact that it is the playoffs and I am one of the most overly superstitious people on the planet. I will not predict who will win any series in the Western Conference because only one team matters to me and I could not in any way be objective. But as for the Eastern Conference matchups...

#1 Boston vs. #8 Montreal - An Original Six matchup in the first round features two teams that hate each other more than Texans hate people who read above a 5th grade level. It's that hatred that will force this series to see at least 6 games with Boston eventually moving on.

#2 Washington vs. #7 New York Rangers - Although a playoff season full of Sean Avery (who is back with the Rangers) would be very entertaining to me, I have to say Washington moves on seeing no more than 5 games. Washington and Ovechkin are simple too good. Hilarious preview of this series here.

#3 New Jersey vs. #6 Carolina - Carolina has been playing great hockey as of late and still have quite a few remnants of the team that won the Stanley Cup a few years ago. New Jersey has Jesus Brodeur in net. Carolina in 7?

#4 Pittsburgh vs. #5 Philadelphia - BATTLE OF THE KEYSTONE STATE!! I want to say Philly wins this series but c'mon, the fix is already in. There is no way Gary Bettman and his cronies allow the Penguins to get beat in the first round. Pens in 5 because Sidney Crosby is still considered Hockey Jesus.

And there are my round one predictions for the Eastern Conference. My heart says Boston will win the East but my head keeps telling me it's going to be Washington. I'm saying this and sticking with my guns, Boston wins the Prince of Wales trophy and plays some team from the Western Conference for the Stanley Cup.

As for the Western Conference Matchups...without predictions.
#1 San Jose vs. #8 Anaheim - A great rivalry that should be fun to watch. Don't Sharks eat Ducks?

#2 Detroit vs. #7 Columbus - Blue Jackets first trip to the post season in franchise history...more on this later.

#3 Vancouver vs. #6 St. Louis - The Blues have been the hottest team in hockey since the All-Star break. It'd be nice to see them move on. Vancouver still has Luongo and the Sedin twins.

#4 Chicago vs. #5 Calgary - Chicago is going to be the next big thing in the NHL next season. Calgary has a ton of former Michigan players. When in doubt you go with the team with the most Red Berenson guys. That being said...Chicago is 4-0 against the Flames this season. I'm just saying.

Without jinxing anything, one of the above teams will win the West and take on a team from the East (Boston) for the Stanley Cup Finals.

Ok moving on...

The Columbus Blue Jackets? I remember when the NHL announced that Columbus was getting a team. It blew my mind. Of all the large cities in Ohio...they figured the best place to drop an expansion team was F-ing Columbus? Not Cleveland or Cincinnati? I figured it would never work.

I was wrong. The Blue Jackets (who from now on will be refered to as the BJs because typing out Blue Jackets is annoying and yes for the sexual connotation. They are an Ohio team, I do not like them) have a rabid fan base and a Civil War cannon they like to shoot off after goals in their building. Playing in Columbus is typically not a treat but throw in the fact that it's the BJs first trip to the post season, things could get pretty rowdy and the place could be tough to play in.

Keys to winning this first round matchup are brought to you by the letters, N, M, T, U, and O

N is for Nash - Rick Nash is a young and underrated superstar in the NHL. Nash scored 40 goals this season (5th in the league) and handed out 39 assists for 79 points. Nash has been a Red Wing killer throughout his career. This season in 6 games against the Wings he has 6 goals including two short handers in the same game. In 38 career games vs. Detroit, Nash has 37 points. The guy can straight up play hockey and stopping him is the key to winning the first round series.

M is for Mason - Steve Mason is a 20 year old goaltender from Oakwood, Ontario. Drafted in 2006 by Columbus, Mason is going to be the next great netminder in the NHL. In 61 games this season, Mason has a 33-20-7 record with the league's second best GAA at 2.29. The kid is a shoe in for the Calder Trophy (rookie of the year). Just like I harped on all last year throughout the playoffs, the best way to beat a goalie is to get a lot of traffic in front and pepper him with shots from all over the place. Mason takes up a lot of the goal with his 6'4 frame but he's still very young and has never played in a playoff game in the NHL.

T is for Tyutin - Fedor Tyutin is the BJs best blueliner. Another young and talented player, the 25 year old Tyutin has developed into a fundamentally sound player instead of the human cannonball he was while with the Rangers. 9 goals and 25 helpers give Tyutin 34 points with a +/- of +1. That plus/minus stat is intruiging because Tyutin played in all 82 games this season, you would think it would be a little higher for a player of his caliber. Tyutin had 81 penalty minutes this season. A career high which means get him agitated and he'll do something stupid and the Wings will go on the power play.

U is for Umberger - RJ Umberger was a star at THE Ohio State University back in the early 2000s. Yet another relatively young player at 26 years old. Umberger was great for the Flyers playoff run back in 2007 with 15 points in 17 games. This season, Umberger registered 26 goals and 20 assists for 46 points with a +/- of -10. Yikes, a -10 while playing all 82 games. This is good for the Wings, when you see Umberger on the ice...start shooting. It will go in.

O is for the state of Ohio - For those of you that failed geography or have never looked at a map, Ohio is the state directly south of Michigan that isn't Indiana. Ohio is generally viewed as the worst state in the union. Ohio smells like fecal matter. Ohio cops are dicks that will pull you over for sneezing. People from Ohio are usually uneducated douchebags. In Ohio, it is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday. Ohio is home to Cleveland, Cleveland set a river on fire. Columbus is the capital of Ohio, therefore, since Ohio sucks, Columbus and all of her residents also suck. Columbus is a whore. OHIO SUCKS!!

That being said, hopefully you're now ready to be a borderline educated fan for this first round of the NHL playoffs. All games in this series are on Fox Sports Detroit and start at 7 except on Saturday when it inexplicably starts at 6.

IT'S PLAYOFF TIME!!! Red Wings Live Blog tomorrow night with Otter and a Hot and Ready pizza. If Otter will talk to me that is.

Oh and on a side note...Galarraga pitched an absolute GEM today against the Pale Hosers from Chicago. Tigers win 9-0. Boo-Yah!

Random Acts of Randomness

2009-04-14T11:17:00.005-04:00

Apparently Allen Iverson wasn't a good idea at all. Reports are saying he's been essentially banned from the Pistons and, as heard on 97.1 this morning, he's been banned from two of the three downtown casinos. Um, wow.

Unfortunately, the Pistons made the playoffs as the 8th seeded team in the Eastern Conference and will play Cleveland in the first round. This is really a win-win for me because if they win this series it gives Ohio a big FU and if they lose, I don't have to watch, talk, or write about them anymore until they screw up on draft day or fire Michael Curry...whichever happens first (I'm guessing Curry).

Speaking of Pistons, I heard today that Isiah Thomas just took the head coaching job at Florida International University...that's all I have to say about that. It still amazes me how far the Pistons have fallen this season and I'm not sure who to blame. I'm trying not to blame Joe D but...it's hard not to.

Let's talk Lions...no, no let's not. (Mock Draft is soon approaching)

The Tigers are now 4-4 on the year but that's not anything worth talking about. Mark "The Bird" Fidrych passed away on his farm in Massachusetts while fixing a truck. The Bird has long been considered one of the most intruiging men to ever play the game of baseball. I of course never saw him pitch, but I do remember my dad talking fondly of him. I've never heard anyone say a bad thing about Mark Fidrych. He was 54. (More on Fidrych from people who actually know what they're talking about here, here, here, here, and here)

On a lighter note, the Tigers play today at 1 against the absolutely hated almost as much as the Tribe, White Sox. Zach Miner got roughed up for 8 runs over 3 1/3 innings. That's just not gonna cut it and I would like to lead the charge to bring Nate Robertson back into the rotation. I mean, it would be good to have a lefty in the rotation right? Maybe? That's just me and what do I know right? Porcello gets the ball today for the Tigers. I have a bet with a buddy of mine that Rick Porcello will win 15 games this season in the Major Leagues...today would be a good day to notch that first one against the hated Palehosers from the Windy City.

The NHL Playoffs start in Detroit on Thursday at 7. The Wings ended up as the #2 seed in the West and will square off with Columbus (yes, Ohio has hockey) in the first round. Full preview of the first round will happen either later tonight or tomorrow. Personally...I like our chances.

I hate the April in the D song more than I hate cancer. I wish I was joking. It's awful and those in charge of it should be fired.

Tigers Live Blog!

2009-04-09T12:13:00.001-04:00

&amp;lt;a href="http://www.coveritlive.com/mobile.php?option=com_mobile&amp;amp;task=viewaltcast&amp;amp;altcast_code=7f09034b4e" &amp;gt;Tigers LiveBlog&amp;lt;/a&amp;gt;

My New Most Disliked Tiger

2009-04-07T22:05:00.003-04:00

Edwin Jackson was lights out tonight. Absolutely, without question lights freaking out. Until Patterson said, "Keep him in, he's pitching a one hitter."

Of course, next pitch...gone. No more shut out. Otter and I were still optimistic, a two run lead late in the game will give you brief glances of optimism. Bobby Seay came in, faced one batter, got the out and his work was done for the night.

And then...Brandon Lyon happened. Yes, the same Brandon Lyon that gave up back to back to back to back home runs against Boston in spring training. The same Brandon Lyon that occasionally closed for the Diamondbacks last year and was supposed to be the closer for the 09 Tigers. I had my doubts after the Boston Massacre and those doubts were realized tonight.

With two away in the bottom of the 8th Lyon served up a meatball to Aaron Hill who promptly hit the ball half way to Moose Jaw to give the Jays the lead.

Hope was not lost as Inge came up and hit another moonshot to tie the game in the top of the 9th but then Lyon was for some reason left in the game where he loaded the bases and Rod Barajas hit a walk off sac fly to center to end the game.

After a great (spectacular really) start by Jackson, Brandon Lyon lost the Tigers their second game of the season. And in one fell swoop...has earned himself onto my shit list along with Bobby Higginson, Juan Gonzalez, and Fernando F-ing Rodney as my most disliked Tigers of all time.

And wtf Leyland? Why not Perry or hell even Rodney in the 9th? Get gas can Lyon out of the damn game! I know who I'm gonna boo like hell when I make my first trip to Comerica this year.

Brandon Lyon, you suck.

WE'LL DO IT LIVE!!! Opening Day LiveBlog!

2009-04-06T17:46:00.001-04:00

Opening Day LiveBlog

OPENING DAY and Some Basketball Game

2009-04-06T17:24:00.003-04:00

An hour and a half from this very second (give or take a couple seconds or so) the 2009 Tigers season will officially be underway. Verlander will take the hill against Roy Halliday. Yikes.

In other news...around 9:30ish the Spartans will play for the National Championship against the chumps from tobacco road North Carolina. I want to take this quick moment to remind you that if you're not rooting for State tonight....you're a douchebag.

TECHNOLOGY UPGRADE ANNOUNCEMENT!
Tonight we (well, me, I) will be liveblogging the Tigers' opener using a feature called Cover It Live. CIL basically works like a chatroom and will allow me to liveblog the game without having to continually refresh my blogger publisher page. What this means for you, my dear readers, is that you can come to Tobacco Juice Sports, click on CIL conversation, select a username and join in the conversation with witty banter, insights, opinions, and personal insults directed to myself. This will also allow me to take the (ISH) off of the typical Live(ish) Blog post. Which is nice.

So remember, tonight...WE'LL DO IT LIVE!!!

LiveBlog starts at 7:00 if you're not too busy, you should stop by and tell me what you really think.

SPARTY ON!!

News and Notes and Stuff

2009-04-01T11:40:00.005-04:00

Porcello is in the rotation, Perry is in the bullpen, and Thames is the DH.

So is this some kind of April Fool's joke on me or something? Everything I wanted the Tigers to do, they did? I like it!

So according to the Freep and the Detroit News and the Tigers' website the Tigers have one more cut to make having to choose between Brent Clevlen and Jeff Larish. Early reports say it will be Larish to take the final roster spot. The only problem I have with this is the fact that Clevlen is out of minor league options and would have to clear waivers for the Tigers to keep him in Toledo and I don't think a player with his potential would clear waivers. The Tigers will most likely try to trade Clevlen before having to lose him to the waiver wire. It's kind of sad but that's how baseball works.

The Free Press reported that the starting rotation will be Verlander, Jackson, Galarraga, Miner, and Porcello (who will most likely be the Comerica Park opening day starter which is kind of bad ass). Robertson, and Seay will be the lefties out of the bullpen with Rincon, Perry, F-ing Rodney, Lyon, and Bonine rounding out the pitching staff. When/if Bonderman gets healthy again and can be effective, this will send Miner back to the pen and could possibly mean Perry goes to Toledo or Erie unless he comes out next week throwing gas and getting outs. The same can be said for Zumaya but, as much as I hate to say this, I'm close to giving up on him. I hope he proves me wrong and can do what he did in 2006 but only time will tell.

The 2009 season starts on Monday at 7:15 in Toronto. Live-ish blog will most likely be happening.

Now for something completely different...

The Pistons are in 7th place in the Eastern Conference. They are two games ahead of 9th place Charlotte. This means I am now a Charlotte Bobcats fan for the rest of the season. I want the Pistons to miss the playoffs, get in the lottery and draft someone useful for next year. Iverson is back and two games after his layoff he's bitching about not playing enough. Joe Dumars...you have failed us as fans and driven the current day Pistons back into the Teal Era Pistons and I am no longer a fan of your team. The hell with it, BRING BACK THE TEAL!!! I'm done with the Detroit Pistons and the NBA as a whole. GO BOBCATS!

Other than Opening Day being 5 days away, the only thing that brings a smile to my face is the Wings. With six games left in the regular season, the Wings have second place in the West locked up and are four points back from San Jose for the President's Cup (awarded to the team with the most points in the regular season and usually a playoff curse). If the season ended today, the Wings would be the second seed in the playoffs and would take on Anahiem in the first round. A matchup that makes me nervous yet confident. It's almost time to grow that playoff beard again!

Oh, and the Lions still suck and will most likely draft Joey Harrington, I mean Matt Stafford with the first pick of the draft. Just what we need, another quarterback that will continue to lead the Lions down the path of ultimate disappointment.

Remember Michigan fans, if you aren't rooting for State this weekend in the Final Four, you're an asshole!
Don't be a douchebag, root for the Sparties!

Aw Hell....and Other Points of Note

2009-03-31T09:57:00.004-04:00

The Tigers released Gary Sheffield this morning. I'm kind of sad about this. I mean, the guy was 1 Home Run away from 500 and the Tigers cut him before he had the chance to get it. I always liked watching Sheff play ball with the Olde English D on his chest, but those days are now over. I hope for nothing but the best for Gary Sheffield.

Now, on a more positive note...THE TIGERS RELEASED GARY SHEFFIELD! Do you realize what this means?? This means Marcus Thames, one of my favorite Tigers in recent history, could be the new everyday DH!! This means BOMBS A FREAKING WAY!!!
That, of course, is my own wishful thinking. In reality, after trading prospect Rudy Darrow to the Braves (what is it with the Tigers constantly trading with Atlanta?) for extremely speedy outfielder Josh Anderson, what we will most likely see is Carlos Guillen taking more days as the DH with Anderson taking his place in Left. This is something that the fan in me disagrees with, but the baseball guy in me thinks could potentially work out. Anderson provides the Tigers with much needed speed on the basepaths AND a left handed bat in a lineup full of right handed hitters. All that is well and good, until I did a little more research on the guy and found out Baseball Prospectus had this to say about him: "Now 26, he's still nothing more than a fifth outfielder." Um, what?

So apparently Anderson kind of sucks? So does this actually mean Marcus Thames could be the every day DH and backup first baseman? Why did they go for Anderson again? Basically I'm saying I have no idea what could happen. Let's just hope my first guess was right about Thames as the DH and he'll hit like 97 home runs this year.

Speaking of the Tigers, what the hell are they gonna do about this starting rotation?? Going into the year, this is what we all had in mind...Verlander, Bonderman, Galarraga, Jackson, and Robertson, Willis, Miner, someone else. Not entirely too bad of a rotation. Now, with injuries and all that, it could look something like this...Verlander, Galarraga, Jackson, Some guy, and please God please let it be Rick Porcello. Bondo is still not ready and will start the season in the Minor Leagues rehabbing. Willis is on the DL with an anxiety disorder and Robertson, although he has pitched well this spring, sprained the thumb on his pitching hand apparently trying to barehand a throw from second. All I can tell you is this, Rick Porcello needs to be in the starting rotation. I would be perfectly happy with a Verlander, Galarraga, Jackson, Robertson, and Porcello rotation. Of course, I'm not Jim Leyland so my opinion does not matter.

The bullpen might just be the strongest part of this pitching staff. Eddie Bonine has pitched 14 spring innings and allowed one run and is 3 for 3 in save opportunities. Bobby Seay has a 1.42 ERA in 12.2 innings this spring. Clay Rapada is at 1.64 in 11 innings. Juan Rincon, who is my new favorite as the Tigers closer after Brandon Lyon gave up 4 bombs in a row last week, has pitched flawlessly this spring with no runs allowed in his 12.1 innings. Hell, even Fernando F-ing Rodney has earned the praise of Leyland. But the one wild card I want to throw into the mix is young fireballer Ryan Perry. The 22 year old rookie has a spring ERA of 0.84 in 10.2 innings allowing only one run and striking out 11. If you're Jim Leyland, how in the hell do you not give this kid a plane ticket to Detroit in a few days?

Enough Tiger talk. It's getting me a little too fired up for opening day (April 6th in Toronto, oh and by the way, if Porcello would in fact be the fifth starter, he would be the opening day starter at Comerica Park on April 10th which would be awesome). Let's talk about how my brackets went all "Boom Goes the Dynamite" on me.

In my Final Four, I had Louisville, Memphis, North Carolina, and Pitt. Well, Louisville got beat by State, Memphis by Mizzou, and Pitt by 'Nova. My only remainder is North Carolina. The good news is, they are on the opposite side of the bracket as Michigan State which allows me to root for the Sparties on Saturday.

And how cool is that? How cool is it that the Sparties are in the Final Four at Ford Field? With all the B.S. surrounding the state of Michigan right now, this could turn out to be a much needed distraction. And I can tell you this, I am a life long Michigan fan but I will guaran-damn-tee you I will be pulling for State with no hesitation at all. And for all you Michigan fans out there, if you are not rooting for State, you are assholes. Sometimes you just have to root for what's right and right now, being a State fan for a weekend is just the right thing to do. And if you have a problem with me saying this, then you are the asshole Michigan fans I am referring to right now.

Don't be a douchebag, root for the Sparties!

Sparty On!

Coug-tastic!

2009-03-26T12:10:00.005-04:00

I know this is a few days old but the #9 seeded Michigan State Women's Basketball team beat Duke, a #1 seed on the Breslin Center floor. How did State get a home game as a #9 seed? Hell if I know, that's how the women's game is played apparently. Bonus points for the NCAA for allowing this to happen, knowing full well that Duke's coach left Sparty for more money and that the Breslin Center fans would of course boo her ass off. Suzy Merchant coached for a few years at Eastern Michigan and did a hell of a job which earned her the job at State when McCallie left. Playing a home game in the tourney against the number one seed aside, State made a hell of a hire.

In other news, the Lions have a new logo. It's pathetic. Other views available here. Leave it to the Lions to even screw this up. Granted, after going 0-16 they needed to do some re-branding but this is not exactly what I had in mind. I mean, it's the same logo with some white skid-marks on it. What the hell??? If you're gonna change the logo...CHANGE THE DAMN LOGO! Never ceases to amaze me as to how incapable this organization is to succeed.

Oh and the Pistons have lost 7 of 10. Yep, game over.

Oh and the Wings have won 4 of their last 5 and are tied with San Jose for the best record in the league. Boo-Yah!

And What Did We Learn...?

2009-03-22T12:41:00.008-04:00

I woke up this morning feeling a little better about what happened last night. I still think Michigan got forcibly boned in the ass by the officials and I still think the CBS hum-job of the Griffin family was a bit much. But when I look back on it, if you tell me this time last year that Michigan would win a first round NCAA tournament game and then be an 8 on 5 powerplay away from going to the Sweet Sixteen, I probably would have laughed in your face. No matter what, this was a season of great success for Michigan basketball and I look forward to the years to come.

I have spent most of my waking hours in front of Mom and Pop's new flat screen and engulfed myself in HD coverage of the Big Dance since I got home around 4:30 on Thursday. With my brackets and a bottle of tobacco spit by my side, I watched every game CBS would allow me to watch. Needless to say, over this amount of time, I have learned a few things...

- Big East teams are entirely too good. UConn, L'ville, Pitt, 'Nova, Syracuse, are just peckerslapping teams on the way to the Sweet 16. West Virgina on the other hand decided to lose to Dayton but that's ok they were going to lose to Kansas anyway.

- When picking a bracket, you have to pick at least 4 upset games. Hamilton picked Cleveland State to beat Wake Forest. I picked WKU, Michigan, Maryland, and Utah State. 3 outta 4 ain't bad.

- The 8/9 matchups kill your brackets. I lost 3 of 4 only picking Siena correctly. Yeah, that's right. Screw you state of Ohio.

- The Axe Anti-Perspirant commercial was funny the first 8 times I saw it. Now it's just kinda gross and repetitive. Although the end of the commerical when the chick duck and covers away from the dude's armpit as they're walking on the beach still cracks me up.

- After watching all these games, there are plenty of good seats still available at every arena. Just a sign of the times I guess. I can't wait to see how many people don't go to the Final Four in Detroit. Then I can't wait to read the articles and the news stories about how people can't afford to go to games anymore.

- 15 of my Sweet 16 are still intact which leads me to believe that I am a great guesser!!

- Watching Michigan anything with my Dad is an experience unlike any other. Very creative guy.

- If you're so unathletic that you have to use a "Man Step" to get into the bed of your truck, you probably should just buy a Prius and call it good. All trucks are already equipped with "man steps" they're called tires.

- An Erin Andrews-less big time college broadcast, is a lesser big time college broadcast.

- Basketball officials have entirely too much impact on the outcome of a game. This is why that NBA ref gambled on games he was officiating, because he could steer the outcome that way with the occasional bullshit call. If a ref doesn't like a player or team, he can bone said player or team as much as he wants. It's un-fair but at the same time, that's what makes basketball what it is.

- Little brother Aaron picked the Sparties to win the title in the Tobacco Juice Pants Party pool...I can't wait to not have him win a free t-shirt.

- "Cocksucker," "Douchebag," and "Fuck," are the most common words in the English language for the first week of March Madness.

- I have grown to absolutely hate everything about Subway and their goddamned $5 footlongs.

- It's amazing how fast 30 cans of Busch Light can disappear when there's a good game on.

As of right now, Syracuse is beating up Arizona State which is good for me. The following teams will win today: Sparty, Cardinals, Jayhawks, Tigers, Panthers, Orange, Wildcats, and Musketeers.

Blake Griffin is Apparently Jesus

2009-03-21T20:04:00.003-04:00

Michigan just lost to Oklahoma in the second round of the NCAA Tournament. My thoughts...

- CBS thinks Blake Griffin is Jesus and the greatest basketball player who has ever lived. It's like he was fuckin Tim Tebow out there. The broadcast team was blowing him, his brother, and his parents like a two bit hooker would blow a movie star. Unbelievable.

- The officiating in this game is what won the game for Oklahoma. Manny Harris sat out for most of the first half with two fouls. CJ Lee fouled out with about 6 minutes left. Sims was in foul trouble. Somebody on Michigan's bench apparently got T'd up after a traveling call on OU. If someone breathed on Jesus, it was called a foul. Absolutely pathetic. Let the kids play!

- Yes, I know Michigan had no business advancing to the Sweet Sixteen. They are not that good. HOWEVER, they played their asses off and I truly believe they were absolutely hosed by the officials and if John Beilien doesn't go absolutely apeshit in the post game interviews about the officiating...well, let's just say he has more restraint than I do.

- Anthony Wright (who??) had a great game and kept Michigan in it with Manny on the bench early. Kudos to him.

- I want to re-watch this game and count how many times Griffin's parents were on TV. I would set the over/under at about 20 which is just fucking stupid. CBS SUCKS!

- Coming into the game, I really liked Oklahoma and both Griffins. I liked the way Blake Griffin played especially. After the game however, I have decided that the Griffins are douchebags.

- After reading all the Michigan blogs all morning (before going to the driving range with Hamilton) and watching the interviews on Big Ten Network, I set myself up for being really pissed off when Michigan lost. I thought they had a chance and goddamnit, they did have a chance, which brings me to my next point...

- MICHIGAN GOT FUCKING SCREWED!!!

That is all. Now I will commence to drinking beer with Dad and Ben all while being pissed off about what just happened. I'll write something tomorrow or whatever.

Saint Patrick's Day Order of Events

2009-03-16T13:41:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow is the day I've been looking forward to for entirely too long. Some might attribute this to alcoholism but that's simply not true. This is the last St. Patrick's Day of my college years. For the rest of my life, I will most likely not be able to go out and drink all day in the middle of the week so why not have a little fun with it right? The order of the days events will be as follows...

6:00 AM - Wake up, shower, eat oatmeal and slam cup o' coffee
6:45 - Get in car, drive to Buffalo Wild Wings for 7:00 pint of green beer
7:30 - Leave B-Dubs, go to class to turn in paper and take a quiz.
10:30 - Class is over, mass text messages to all people in my phone that live in Washtenaw county to encourage them to join me for a brew or seven at Powell's Pub. Drive to Powell's from campus, leave car there for duration.
1:45 - Unless the people I'm with tell me I can't leave, walk back to campus for 2 o'clock class.
3:00 - Walk back to Powell's. Irish Car Bombs and Guinness
5:15 - Back to campus for semi important class session which features me in front of a television camera from the late 60s for my broadcast class (ask teacher out for drinks after class)
7:00 - Walk to Pub 13. Resume attack on liver with Irish Car Bomb to get back in the groove
1:45 - Start thinking about exit strategy.
3:00 - Randomly find way home, drink water, pass out.
Sometime Wednesday - Find way to go get my car, drink pedia-lyte un-tag embarrassing facebook photos

Basically, this is the greatest plan ever and should result in drunken tomfoolery for the entire day. It's supposed to be a beautiful day so come on out and have a drink with me. You know you want to.

TOBACCO JUICE PANTS PARTY!

2009-03-15T21:03:00.002-04:00

I went with Yahoo instead of Facebook for some reason or another so make yourself a Yahoo ID and then go to yahoosports.com and join the private group.

The Group ID# is: 96570
The Group Password is: tobaccojuicesports

Sign up by Thursday because, well, the games start Thursday. And remember

FREE T-SHIRT to the winner!

Selection Sunday Boo-Yah!

2009-03-15T20:22:00.005-04:00

Eleven years. The eleven year drought for Michigan basketball is finally over. But when you think about it...so what?

Everyone I've talked to says I'm an idiot for thinking this one lone thought: "I would rather win the NIT than lose in the first round of the tournament."

Granted, now that Michigan is officially in the tourney as an 10 seed facing Clemson in the first round (which is winnable but more on that later) I take that thought back. I am much happier seeing the Maize and Blue back at the big dance, early exit or not, I'm glad they're in. After all the bullshit this team has been through since 1998, the Ellerbe Era, the Tommy Amaker years, the Fab Five Forfeiture, and the NIT Championship, they are finally back to playing at the level required to make it to the Dance.

That being said...do I think they'll beat Clemson? Yes, I think they will beat Clemson in the first round but only if they get stupidly hot from behind the arc, or they give Sims the workload and let him take over the paint a la what they did against Iowa in the Big Ten Tourney. If A or B don't happen then see you later, nice job making the dance and enjoy watching from Ann Arbor.

As for the brackets. I will have available a group on either ESPN or Yahoo for you to join, with more info on that coming tomorrow. Grand Prize will be the T-shirt of your choice from the Tobacco Juice Store.

After watching the selection show and seeing Louisville as a 1 seed I have to say the committee screwed the pooch. Sure, they won the Big East (widely considered the Jesus of college basketball) but after watching them a couple of times this season, they did not overly impress me and I don't think they are a Final Four team and will lose before the elite eight probably to Wake Forest. Oklahoma or Memphis deserve that 1 seed over Louisville with UNC or UConn as the overall #1 seed.

Hamilton disagrees and says Louisville deserves the spot. Aaron still thinks the Sparties should be a 1 seed but he hasn't watched more than five minutes of basketball all year long. Too busy being superman to watch hoops. Dad throws his two cents about the tournament saying, "Eh, I dunno, I have to do my research."

Well do your research Dad and have Aaron or Mom help make you a Yahoo account so you can join in our bracket contest.

I'll put up another post with all the information later on this evening so you can join us in the Tobacco Juice Pants Party bracketology challenge!

It's a great day for Michigan Basketball. Now don't screw it up.

The Official St. Patrick's Day Survival Guide

2009-03-12T18:45:00.003-04:00

In all of my excitement about St. Patrick's Day coming up on Tuesday, I have been telling random passerby about my plans which typically are met with looks of astonishment and bewilderment and other looks of shock. A question I'm usually asked is, "How in the hell can you do that?"

Surviving St. Patrick's Day, the most sacred of all the drinking holidays, isn't really all that big of an accomplishment. If you wake up the next day, you win. But if you want to really enjoy yourself and not puke all over the bar and possibly end up in the slammer for the night, stick to this strategy and you should find your previous criminal record intact and your clothes not covered in green barf.

First of all, in order to truly enjoy the day, you have to start early. Wake up around 6:30 (yes, there is one in the morning too) start a pot of coffee and take a slightly longer than normal shower. After getting out of the shower, and this is an EXTREMELY vital point, put on entirely too much deodorant and cologne and be sure to Gold Bond the boys (girls have no idea what I'm talking about here but guys, you know...you know) until they resemble powdered donut holes. This is a very important step because, think about it, you're going to be walking from bar to bar and eventually be smelling like stale beer and corned beef and the more coverup you have the better.

Now that you've got your stink prevention out of the way, pour yourself a cup of joe and if you have it, mix in some Irish creme then pour yourself a giant bowl of oatmeal because you're gonna need something in your gullet before you start this adventure. After having a cup or two, find your way to the nearest bar (I'm not advocating drinking and driving but c'mon it's two Irish coffees...if you're buzzed up by that you might want to not participate) for the early bird drink specials. Buffalo Wild Wings here in Ypsi opens at 7am and has quarter pints until 9am and then they're up to 50 cents which is still outstanding.

Now, in my own case, I have to go to class at 8am this year so this means I'll only be able to stay for one or two before heading down to campus. For those of you with the luxury of not having anything to do, this is where you post up at the bar and drink a few pints while the price is right. Just remember, St. Patrick's Day is a day of marathon drinking. I'll say this again and in caps because this is possibly the greatest piece of advice this blog post will give you...

SAINT PATRICK'S DAY IS NOT A SPRINT! IT IS A MARATHON! PACE YOURSELF!!
Nobody starts off a marathon in starting blocks and goes sprinting off. Those people usually die and that is not the objective here. The objective is to make it to last call without getting arrested or passing out.

That being said, when you're at the first bar of the day, you need to just enjoy yourself and those around you. The best friend for drunks on St. Patrick's Day is other drunks, so make some friends and watch SportsCenter. I would drink 3 or 4 pints of the cheap stuff in a borderline rapid succession and then switch over to a glass of some legit Irish goodness. Guinness, Smithwicks (pronounced Smith-ix), Killians, or something of that nature just to change things up. The key is this, you must enjoy drinking the good beer by drinking it slower than the swill green beer you've been drinking. Enjoying the good stuff is essential because it slows down your alcohol intake and allows your liver to take a breather while it processes the swill green beer you just pounded.

Another very important item to mention is eat as much as possible whenever possible. You have to have something in there to soak up the booze (hence the oatmeal). The food of choice is undoutedly going to be corned beef with cabbage and potatoes. I cannot stress enough the importance of eating a hearty lunch with, dare I say it, a glass of water. Just to kind of let your body rest for the afternoon of abuse it has coming.

After a big lunch, it's time to get back on that horse and start drinking beers again. The afternoon hours are a great time to get a little creative with the drink selection and Irish Car Bombs are usually on special. I mean, I'm just saying. That's what I would do. No more than three though, remember, it's a marathon.

The afternoon goes pretty much like the morning did. Drinking, drinking, and more drinking. It's pretty simple when you think about it. Just remember to enjoy what you're drinking and the people you're drinking with. St. Patrick's Day is one of those few days in a year that you can count on making friends while sitting on a barstool, so take advantage.

Right before the bar gets obnoxiously busy, make sure you eat another big meal of corned beef, cabbage, and potatoes. Trust me, it will save your life.

Around 7 or 8 O'clock, you're going to start to feel the effects but this is where you have to push through it. I reccommend chewing as much tobacco as possible, but then again I'm an addict and throwing a dip in is my answer for everything. Slam a quick glass of water so nobody can see you drinking it then get right back on that horse and fight through it. Another good way of distracting yourself from getting overly wasted is to find some hot-ish chick (at this point they should all be hot-ish) to start talking to. Not flirting with so much but just having casual drunken conversation. If that leads to making out back by the dumpster or in the bathroom, you are probably better looking than me and that's ok. Distracting yourself from drinking more beer is essential to making it through last call.

If it's 11 o'clock and you're still standing on your own, you're doing great (that or you're pussyfooting with the beer and should be called out on it, drink bastard drink!). Now's the time to go back to the hot-ish girl and get her to do a Car Bomb with you and then see where the night goes. Just remember one thing, if she has a boyfriend, who just happens to be standing a mere ten feet away, don't be surprised if he gets a little fired up when she starts making out with you. And remember not to call the guy a cocksucker on the way out of the bar. Play nice.

Before leaving the bar, close out your tab, tip those that got you drunk well, and call a cab or throw up the Hail Mary at the last second and have some chick take you home. No matter what, you do not drive. You've been drinking all day remember? Not a good look. Upon arriving home you should probably drink about a gallon of water and eat a sleeve of saltines before passing out for the night.

If you follow this advice, you'll not only survive St. Patrick's Day, you'll thoroughly enjoy it and be able to tell your friends that you started at 7 and ended at 2 which will either win you praise or an intervention. Either way, it'll be fun.

OK, here's the schedule for the next couple of days...
Tomorrow - I dunno, something random.
Saturday - No post, St. Patrick's Day Warm Up (you have to train for a marathon, you can't just run it)
Sunday - Selection Show Live(ish) blog
Monday - My own St. Patrick's Day preview (where I'll be, book signings etc.)

They Have the Internet on Computers Now?

2009-03-02T11:18:00.008-05:00

I'm back! Here's Brian Bellows!

I got my old laptop with the O.A.R. sticker on it back from the homeland and now I am able to blog again. Like I said before, blogging on the campus of Eastern Michigan University isn't exactly a fun experience. Unless of course I was sitting there outside a building or in a cafeteria just blogging about what I saw and being an asshole via Internet to all those around me. That would be one of the most entertaining blogs ever. Maybe one of these days you'll get it. But until then let's talk about stuff nobody really gives a rat's ass about.

Is it just me or has all this Alex Rodriguez hoopla absolutely sucked the life out of spring training? Typically I love watching SportsCenter this time of year to get some decent baseball coverage with season previews and the like but this year it's been all A-Rod all the time on the World Wide Leader. Whenever I turn on ESPN there's the bottom line telling me how many times A-Rod wiped his ass after his morning deuce. It was at that point when the "Too Much Information" line was crossed and I have decided to just not watch SportsCenter anymore. In fact, this is the last time I will even mention A-Rod until the Tigers play the Yanks in a three game set at CoPa April 27th-29th. From now until then the words A-Rod, Rod, Alex, Rodriguez, or DoucheTurd (as he will be referenced forever post embargo) will not be written in this space. THE ALEX RODRIGUEZ EMBARGO IS NOW IN EFFECT!

Speaking of the WorldWideLeaderInSports, I watched the last 20 minutes of Mike and Mike in the Morning on ESPN2 (the "Dos") and found them borderline entertaining. As you know (well, as some of you know) ESPN is located in Bristol, Connecticut and was absolutely PUMMELED with a winter storm which forced ESPN to email its minions telling them that unless you are absolutely essential personnel you are not required to attend work. This led Golic to an epiphany saying, "Basically if you're sitting up in bed wondering if you're essential personnel, stay in bed, you're not essential personnel." Personally, I think it's a trick that ESPN is pulling to see who they can fire for not being "essential to the success of the network." That's what I would do anyway. A pink slip for every empty cube. Save millions of dollars just like that. Boo Ya!

Speaking of saving money, let's talk NBA. Apparently the NBA is hemorrhaging money and is getting something around $175 million for teams that are in danger of folding. Where's your god now David Stern? I tell you what though, at this point the entire Association could fold because my interest in the game has reached Teal Era levels. When the Pistons changed to their unis to teal with the horse head on it I just stopped watching. And that's the level I'm back to now. The Teal Era dark age led to a revolution of sorts and resulted in a championship. I don't know what to name this period of Piston history. The Period of General Lethargy? The Great Debacle Era? The End of Days? I don't know but I have noticed one thing just like the rest of you have, they have won two games in a row with Iverson on the bench...BUT I still don't care. The day they traded Chauncey away will go down in history as the day the music officially died in Auburn Hills. That's like the Wings trading away Lidstrom or Drapes, you don't trade away the blood and guts of a successful franchise and still expect to win. I don't want to talk bad about Joe Dumars but c'mon man, you serious? That's like the Pistons trading YOU away. Remember when I said time will tell if it was a good deal? Time just called, he said it was an experiement worse than when my high school chemistry teacher blew his hand up in front of a classroom full of students when he showed them what sodium does in water. That actually happened. It was hilarious.

Is it just me or is it kind of fishy that they Chiefs traded nothing more than a 2nd round pick to the Patriots for Matt Cassel and Mike Vrabel? KC GM Scott Pioli had a HUGE hand in the success of the Pats over the years with Bill Belicheck so maybe Bill was just throwing his buddy a little "thanks for helping me win three Super Bowls" gift. The idiots on Cold Pizza's (which was hosted by Michael Kim and former US Soccer player hottie Julie Foudy this morning because apparently the regular cast isn't "essential personnel" oh and Foudy looked like it was the first time she'd ever done live-ish televison. Seriously, I was laughing my ass off at how bad it was. It was a slow mo hilarious car crash on repeat for the 8 minutes or so I watched) First and Ten "Two Live Stews" say it is most definitely collusion and called for NFL Commish Roger Goodell to get involved. I whole heartedly disagree with that sentiment. If Goodell gets involved he's blatantly overstepping his boundaries and that's something David Stern, Gary Bettman, or Bud Selig would do. It's one thing to install a code of conduct for your players, I'm cool with that and think it's a great idea but when you start telling teams how to trade and who to trade with, well then you're just kind of taking the whole play fair thing a little too far. If the rest of the league doesn't like what happened, too damn bad, you should have hired Pioli before the Chiefs did.

The Lions reportedly were close to stealing Jay Cutler away from Denver. I don't know how, but they found a way to screw it up. Great work Mayhew and Crew! I can't wait to see the Lions be the first team to ever choose a kicker with the number one pick in the draft. I can see it now, "With the first pick in the 2009 NFL Draft, the Detroit Lions select...Diet Pepsi Machine?" It's like everyone they hire for the front office there in Allen Park graduated with honors from the University of Dipshit.

A couple of quick hitters here before I go and do something else with my life (like attempt to graduate).

Michigan Hoops at Crisler is a fun time. Went with Rowe on Thursday to watch them beat Purdue. My only regret is not taunting the "Boiler Up" Chanters behind us more. Boil this (insert crotch grab here) bitches! Then in the schizophrenic style of Michigan basketball, they lost yesterday to Wisconsin and unless they win at least two games in the Big Ten Tourney (they play Northwestern Thursday and then upon winning they have to play State for the first time ever in the Big Ten Tourney which should be fun. Basically, the bubble may have burst but who knows, maybe they'll hit a hot streak and win the damn thing. Doubtful but you never know.

Michigan Hockey beat Ferris State Saturday to secure second place in the regular season CCHA standings and a first round bye in the CCHA tournament. The big news was Senior Captain Mark Mitera played in his first series of the season and in his first home game, scored a goal and had an assist after being injured all year. Talk about great timing. With Mitera back on the blue-line, Michigan could be poised to make a run at another National Title. Too early to tell.

Ok that's enough. Here's a picture of Official Hot Chick of Tobacco Juice Sports Elisha Cuthbert for those who made it through the whole post.

You're the best Bellows!

*UPDATE*
I, like a total asshole forgot to mention former Lion defensive end Corey Smith's fishing boat going missing in the Gulf of Mexico. AP just reported (1:15pm right now) the Coast Guard has found the boat with one survivor. Kind of a downer. Thoughts and prayers. More info HERE.
And HERE.

If I Could Write a Letter To...

2009-02-12T11:48:00.004-05:00

Dear Bud Selig,
You know what Bud? I'm really getting tired of writing you letters citing your incompetence. Maybe it's time to figure out what to do with the rest of your life. This steroid scandal is turning you into an even bigger joke than you were before. Oh and you're getting paid only slightly less than the highest paid player in the game (who, of course, is the center of all this steroid talk, and right before pitchers and catchers report...nice) for reasons that escape me. Sure, attendance is up but in this economic climate, how much longer do you expect it to last? Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to attend at least 10 games this summer but c'mon Bud, it's time to do one of, if not both of, two things. Resign or take a pay cut. There is no reason you should be raking in $18 million a year for doing a shitty job running a league that has thrived despite your incompetence. You're turning yourself into Gary Bettman, another commish who's league is doing very well despite the efforts of its administration. Oh, and you need to make sure that A-Rod's name is not the only one released from that list of 104 players who tested positive for the juice. I need to know who to boo.
That's enough Bud, that's enough.
Cole

Dear NCAA,
I read via Deadspin that you're thinking about having a policy that takes points off the board for taunting before reaching the endzone. Oh so basically you want college football to be cold and emotionless like chess? I agree with the excessive celebration penalty for if someone does something stupid like spikes the ball or does the Gator Chomp or things of that nature but I don't see anything wrong with running into the endzone with an index finger extended. I think a rule like this would be bad for the game because of the judgment call it would be for the officials. How do you determine what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior? One ref's idea of good is another's idea of bad. The fewer judgment calls there are, the easier it is to properly officiate a game. There's no need for taking points off the board if some kid (that's all they are folks, these are 17-22 year old kids out there) dives into the endzone late in the 4th quarter to take the lead. That's football, it's an emotional game, let the kids play and quit being such pricks about it.
Cole

Dear India,
Fucking REALLY??? (Click the link or this will make absolutely no sense)

Dear Brett Favre,
You've always been one of my favorite players I've ever had the privilege to watch. However, after last year's retirement debacle where you left the league hanging for months on end, you better be serious about retiring this time. You had a good year (and a great year for my fantasy team early on, thank you) with the Jets but dude, you need to hang them up for real this time. Go back to Mississippi and relax for a while on the farm and enjoy the rest of your life. You have nothing left to prove. Just stay away this time. You've earned a ride off into the sunset so do it graciously.
Cole

Dear NBA,
Ok, you already know I don't really like you. That being said, don't be offended when I call you names here in the next couple of lines. NBA, you are a joke. It's pathetic really when you think about it. You were at the height of your popularity in the late 80s/early 90s when everyone was doing blow and scoring 120+ a night and now you're trying to get back to that era only sans blow. I can't fault you for trying to bring the glory days back but you're failing miserably and in some sick, twisted way, I get a great amount of pleasure watching you fail at everything. Which brings me to my next point...H-O-R-S-E. Playing HORSE at All-Star weekend is a good idea. I like it because I knew you'd screw it up somehow and sure enough you did. You took a great childhood game and commercialized it turning HORSE into G-E-I-C-O. Are you kidding me? I hope this game takes 8 hours and the arena is empty out of boredom so the talking heads over at ESPN can make fun of you for it. I'm almost hoping for an ugly strip club incident in Phoenix this weekend just to make you look even worse. Would I like you any better if the Pistons were still the Pistons and not the "Auburn Hills Whiny Millionaires Who Refuse to Rebound or Play Hard"? Eh, at this point, probably not.
Cole

Dear Jessica Simpson,
Maybe it's time to squeeze a salad in every once in a while. I'm just saying, I'm just saying. Unless Romo likes his girls a lil more than thick then by all means, for his sake eat another cheeseburger.
Everyone thinks you're fat and I think it's funny that it made CNN
HAHAHA God Bless America!
Cole

Dear Abraham Lincoln,
Happy Birthday. Tell these communists here at Eastern that I shouldn't have to go to school on Monday night. Reminds me of South Park, "I haven't seen an American take a shot like that since Abraham Lincoln" Which in turn reminds me of Wayne's World on SNL, "If she were a president she would be Babe-raham Lincoln." Nice work with that whole getting rid of slavery thing too.
200 years later...and here we are.
Cole

Dear Detroit Lions,
DREW STANTON WILL LEAD YOU TO A SUPER BOWL! IF YOU DRAFT MATT STAFFORD I AM DONE WITH YOU FOREVER AND WILL ROOT FOR THE BEARS THE REST OF MY LIFE! More about you some other time. I can't wait to see you screw up the draft in a very Millen-esque performance.
Cole

*UPDATE*
Ok, I just watched the "Always a Tiger" video on the Tigers website...I had to wipe away a tear here in the computer lab. I shit you not. Pitchers and Catchers report tomorrow. If you can watch this video and not get goosebumps from it, you're either an asshole Indians fan or a heartless bastard. You choose. Video Here.

Spring is in the Air

2009-02-10T11:10:00.004-05:00

As I sit in this mundane computer lab on the campus of Eastern Michigan University, I look out the window to see something amazing...the sun. It's a beautiful day and I'm stuck inside for the duration with class and homework and most importantly to you my readers, blog time. But yes, spring is in the air even though it's only the 10th of February and Mother Nature's cocktease will eventually end and we'll be back to 8 degree days with -75 wind chill and everyone will be miserable again. But blue balls aside, the weather is great for now.

Sitting in class earlier this morning I found some random things that piss me off and need to be brought to people's attention.

Ladies, I know it's warmer out than it was before, but c'mon, there's no need to wear that mini skirt you got for Christmas from your ex stripper for a mom. Especially when you're pushing 250 pounds. When you're that big, sweat pants should make up at least 95% of your wardrobe with the other 5% being more sweats. Fat chicks with not enough clothing...not a good look. Ever. However, if you can rock the mini skirt without showing your ass and thigh dimples, then by all means...rock it. (Basically I'm saying all hot chicks need to wear less clothes when it's warm out. It's a good thing for everyone involved.)

Just because you're in a classroom filled with computers, doesn't mean you can Facebook Chat for the duration of class. There is nothing more annoying than trying to pay attention to an instructor talking about something borderline important while trying not to yell at the stupid broad sitting next to you for being exactly that, a stupid broad. PAY THE FUCK ATTENTION!

The prof this morning said some people didn't put their names on an assignment...what is this 3rd grade? How do these people get into college?

I swear to God if I have to answer another question because I'm the only person that has the stones to speak up in class I'm going to blow my brains out. I don't want to sound like a know it all but when the teacher asks a question and everyone just sits there like zombies, it's the most uncomfortable thing in the world and I have to be the guy to speak up because I can't take the awkward silence anymore. Even if I say something totally ridculous and wrong, at least I had the balls to make the classroom environment tolerable. I'm not the smartest guy in the class, but if I don't answer the questions nobody will. I hate that shit.

Oh and another thing, when you're in a computer lab or library or class do me a favor and set your phone to vibrate. Nobody wants to hear your new Young Jeezy ringtone every time you get a text or your boyfriend calls. Time to grow up assholes!

I was lying in bed last night (insert Varsity Blues moment) and couldn't sleep (weird right?) so I flipped on the TV. While surfing through the channels I stumbled across the Westminster Dog Show at Madison Square Garden. They were judging the Terrier breeds when I realized that the announcers for this thing thought even the ugliest looking dog was absolutely breathtaking. There's nothing wrong with telling it like it is and when you see a dog that looks weird, telling the people that the thing just looks weird. And the people at MSG absolutely LOVE the dog show and cheer like it's a Knicks game (except there were people there). Maybe it's like the Kentucky Derby and people just go there to get hammered and yell at the dogs. Oh and the Scottish Terrier won best in show for the Terrier group. I would love to live blog the dog show. I'm not sure why.

Ok, enough of the random silliness, let's talk about spring stuff like baseball.

In case you've been living in a cave with no TV, radio, or print media, A-Rod fessed up to juicing during his Texas Ranger years. He was the first of 104 players who tested positive when MLB randomly tested 300 players in 2003, to be outed by reporters. Apparently there was a code list and then there was a key to the code list and two reporters from Sports Illustrated (Selena Roberts and David Epstein) were able to get their hands on the list or something of the sort. Either way, A-Rod is the only name to be released thus far and I'm sure there will be more big names to come. Who will those names be? Well I can only guess but I'll say Pudge, Richie Sexson, Bonds (no shit?), Clemens (again, no shit?) and Adrian Beltre will be names on that list. Why? There is no science to coming up with those names other than looking at the league leaders and noticing how some of them dropped off the face of the earth and then just randomly guessing. But those are my guesses. Journalistic credibility be damned. That and it's not like anyone important read this thing anyway.

That being said, pitchers and catchers report in 2 days and I have to say, I'm kind of psyched about it. I know the season doesn't start for a long time yet but there's just something about the start of spring training that gives me the ability to take a deep breath and start getting optomistic about the Tigers again. As I've previously mentioned in this space, last year I was a little too optimistic about the Tigers but I had a right to be. We all did. It just so happened that Bondo almost died, Verlander and the Gambler imploded, Zoomie got hurt again, Pudge was a disaster, D-Train suddenly forgot how to throw (like the time Peter Griffin forgot how to sit down), and Edgar Renteria was a complete bust (just like I said he would be). Basically, everything that could go wrong, went wrong.

This year, maybe things will be different. Leyland has a new defense first philosophy and I can see the Tigers going to a more small ball approach in the later half of the lineup with Inge and Everett and Laird down there who aren't exactly hitters. The bullpen will still be an issue but was shored up with the acquisition of "worth to be determined in July" closer Brandon Lyon. Zoomie is not likely to be back before opening day so that leaves set up duties to Fernando F-ing Rodney and I dunno let's say Bobby Seay or someone of that nature. Either way, set up will probably be an issue this year unless Rodney gets his head out of his ass which is something I've hoped for, for about three seasons now.

Time will tell and it's entirely too early to get worked up about anything Tigers related until the home opener on Friday, April 10th. I'm glad it's on a Friday...no classes on Fridays. That's just good scheduling. Maybe we'll have to organize a Tobacco Juice Readers field trip to the Comerica Park area (yeah, like we'll all get tickets for opening day) for opening day...I think it's a good idea. Click on the poll so I can gauge your interest and make t-shirts that nobody will buy.

The Chronicles of Wayne Smith

2009-02-06T14:19:00.005-05:00

There ya go Wayne. You're mentioned in the blog.

Hi! Hello, and how are you? So the laptop I had was reclaimed by its rightful owner and the computer labs on campus aren't exactly condusive for creativity but whatever. I'll find a way to get this shit going again.

So I'm watching SportsCenter this morning and then switched it to Mike and Mike in the Morning on ESPN2 which was followed by Cold Pizza, I mean First Take. It was at that point that I realized something very profound...

ESPN SUCKS!!!

Yeah, I said it. It goes against all I believe in but damnit, ESPN's morning programming has turned into an absolute abomination. What's wrong with it? Well I could just say it sucks but that doesn't quite do it justice.

The SportsCenter LIVE experiment is an absolute failure if you ask me. Hanna Storm and the other guy are just terrible together. I would much rather just watch the previous night's SportsCenter on repeat all morning instead of listening to two mono toned slaps read the same highlights over and over. And it seems sometimes that they have no understanding of how the game on the highlight actually works. They spend the entire morning blowing Lebron and Kobe and the Celtics and then a hockey highlight will sneak in there and they absolutely butcher it. I hate to tell you folks...but hockey is passing the Association in the ratings. Maybe Hanna and Doucher should read up on it a little bit. And don't get me started on ESPN's coverage of college hoops. You talk about overkill...holy shit. It's on EVERY DAMN NIGHT!! I know it's winter and ESPN doesn't have an NHL contract but holy Christ...a guy can only watch Duke play and then listen to the talking heads talk about it for so long before he wants to blow his brains out. There is literally nothing good I can say about SportsCenter LIVE. It's horrible. Just horrible.

Equally as bad yet mildly more entertaining is Mike and Mike in the Morning. Now, I have to tell you that yes, I do occasionally like to listen to this show when I'm getting ready in the morning. However, I've noticed that MAMITM is nothing more than a low calorie version of SportsCenter with very mildly entertaining interviews thrown in. The only time it's watchable is when Golic is hungover and is tired of listening to Greenie's whining about God knows what.

Cold Pizza, or First Take as it's now known, is just shitty. It was ok as Cold Pizza but they found a way to make it nearly unwatchable. I have to say, when the annoying old dude and the Jemele Smith get on there to debate topics, it makes me wonder if Smith has even participated or even watched an actual athletic competition. It's a joke and ESPN needs to realize this and do something about it. The only way to fix it is to get Erin Andrews or someone of equal or greater hotness to be on the show every morning. Now THAT is something I'd wake up to.

And when you think about it, is there a better actual talent in the ESPN stable of reporters than Erin Andrews? Take away the rediculously hot factor and you STILL have a GREAT reporter who asks the right questions to the right people every time. She could save ESPN's morning programming. I'd much rather watch that than turn on a college basketball game and hope she might interview somebody.

So that's what I think about ESPN. They are too basketball heavy and they are constantly looking to cause some sort of controversy with their reporting. Like the reports today that the Texans were having contact drills during a mini camp last year. FOOTBALL IS A CONTACT SPORT YOU DIPSHITS! So what if it's in the collective bargaining agreement between the NFL and the NFLPA? First of all, it was a pass rush/pass pro drill...ummm how can you NOT come into contact when you're doing that? Isn't that the point of pass pro? To get hands on and try to defeat or complete a block on the opposing player? There is no need to stir up controversey about that. If the players were that concerned with it, they would have sat out of the drill. And what kind of player would you be if you sat out a drill in mini camp because you thought it was too much contact? You wouldn't be in the league very long. ESPN needs to quit raking the muck and start reporting on actual sports news.

That being said, National Letter of Intent day was Wednesday and apparently everyone did very well. Which leads me to my next gripe...RIVALS recruiting service. Rivals makes its money off of kids who pay them to promote them. They send film and are assigned a ranking of 5-0 stars. Jimmy Claussen was a 5 star recruit out of high school. How's he doing? Exactly. On the other hand, Mike Hart who holds every rushing record at Michigan was a three star guy. Other three stars or lower were Pat White and Steve Slaton. Yeah, they turned out ok didn't they? Rivals pumps these kids up to be superstars before they even take a collegiate snap and that is unfair to all parties involved. Then you take ESPN and their signing day coverage and you create an absolute mess for these kids. Yeah, I'm sure the attention is cool and all but what if they don't win the Heisman? Are they failures as players if they don't dominate at the collegeiate level right after high school? Some idiots think so. I don't. They're just kids, they don't need all this attention. It's ruining college sports.

I'm going to talk very briefly about the Pistons...they suck. I don't watch the games but when I see the highlights or read about it in the papers (the online papers)I can't help but long for the good old days when the Pistons were, "Going To Work" but now they can see a teammate get raped by a goon from Boston and not even bat an eye about it. You try to do that with Mahorn, Rodman, Laimbeer or even Ben Wallace on the floor...you're gonna be missing some teeth if you pull a stunt like that. This team has no fight left in it. Sheed is a joke, the AI experiment has failed and Rip isn't at all what he used to be. They don't play defense anymore and they rank in the bottom five of the league in every offensive category. Something must be done. But at the same time, I hate to say I told you so. When they traded Chauncey away, the traded the heart and soul of the team with it. Now you have five individuals out there who don't give a shit anymore. It's sad when you think about it. It was 5 years ago that they were the second coming of the Bad Boys. Now they're just bad.

The Wings aren't fairing very well either. I was listening to 97.1 the other day and people were saying that Ozzie's time is up and they need to either trade for a goalie to take them to the Cup or let Conklin take over. I'm not opposed to letting Conklin get a few more starts here and there but you have to remember, Ozzie has won the Wings two cups and has been historically stellar in the playoffs. Sure, his numbers aren't very good right now but that can be attributed to the guys playing in front of him. If the blue liners aren't stopping the attack and leaving Ozzie out to dry every night, you're not going to be very successful. I have all the confidence in the world that they will turn it around here soon. Remember, about this time last year they went and lost like 9 games or so in a row, I'm not too worried about it just yet. Everything will fall into place and Kenny Holland will do what's best for the team.

The Tigers avoided arbitration by signing Verlander to a one year deal. If he doesn't bounce back, he won't be a Tiger in 2010, you can be sure of that. Oh and here's a radical idea...Manny is still available...why not take a shot at him right? Guy hits .350 with 120 RBI a season...I'll take the antics for a season of that. But that's just me talkin and I know it won't happen nor to I truly want it to.

The Lions...well...let's not talk about the Lions.

I hereby pledge to write in this blog at the very least two times a week from here on out. Bear with me and buy some T-Shirts from the store to help me buy a new laptop. Drink Up Bitches! T-shirts are great for St. Patty's day!

In the Third Person

2009-01-20T10:25:00.003-05:00

*This is for class.

He wears almost the same thing every day. Glasses, backwards Tigers hat, EMU Football jacket, some kind of hooded sweatshirt or fleece underneath it with sweats, wind pants, or even the occasional pair of blue jeans. "I never said I like wearing the jacket, but the damn thing is just so deceptively warm." That's the thing about Cole, simplicity is a requirement, the clothes he wears are strictly for comfort. "I just figured, what the hell? It's not like I'm gonna meet someone important in class right?" He stands up and goes out into the hallway to grab a drink of water when I notice the circle on the left hand back pocket of this particular pair of jeans. My question is answered for me when Cole returns to the room with a wad of tobacco stuck in his lower lip. "Eh, on and off since I was about 16. Constantly since about 20 or so..."

Ok, that's enough. Letters later...

People I Would Like to Punch in the Face

2009-01-08T15:37:00.006-05:00

This new feature on Tobacco Juice Sports will make you aware of people who need to get punched in the face for their random acts of douchebaggery and other made up words.

The following people need to be punched in the face...

The ShamWow! guy.
Why? First of all, look at this asshole. Have you ever wanted to punch somebody in the face more after seeing this picture? What genuinely confuses me about this guy is why the headset? Are you not filming your horrifyingly annoying commercials on a sound stage that has microphones available? And dude, you deserve about 8 punches in the face for selling a shitty product and having a feaux-hawk. Absolute douchebag. Must punch in face.

NBC Sports

For hiring this guy to talk about the playoffs
Someone at NBC has a very cruel sense of humor. Granted, before he committed what was thought to be career suicide by accepting the Lions job, Millen was a very good football commentator. However...the team he built went 0-16 and he is absolutely LOATHED by an entire region of the country. You would have to think that maybe it was a little too soon to be throwing Matt Millen at the football watching public after the debacle that was the Millen Years in Detroit. Of course though, nobody at NBC cares and they are all patting themselves on the back for landing Millen again. Assholes.

Billy Mays and his goddamned OxiClean
I don't know who to blame for starting the whole "Yell into the camera and get people to buy your shit" method of advertising but Billy Mays (and his bastard son the ShamWow Guy) has turned it into an art form. An art form that when it comes on TV I immediately feel like punching the elderly. It's horrible. Does his product work? I don't know because I constantly refuse to buy it out of spite for him and the people that hired him to sell this bullshit.

People Who Watch VH1
Anyone who watches the garbage VH1 puts on TV needs to be punched in the face. Repeatedly. VH1 and the people that watch it are contributing even further to the downfall of American culture. Just you wait, a thousands years from now, people will be studying the 2000s and they'll stumble across some old VH1 tapes and declare these years as the second dark ages where nothing was really accomplished because everyone was too busy watching a bunch of skanks try to bang Brett Michaels or a Crackhead that used to be the hype man for Public Enemy. Or even worse, they'll watch I Love New York and shoot themselves in the face to erase the memory of it. Here's an idea for you morons that watch VH1. READ A FREAKIN BOOK! Put down the bong and do something else. Anything else. I hate you people.

A-Rod
You know what, back when Alex Rodriguez was playing with Griffey and Randy Johnson in Seattle, I liked him. I thought he was a good young player that could change the way baseball is played. Well, he's changed. Now that he's making $20 million a year and banging Madonna, he's kind of an asshole and nobody calls him out on it. So I am doing it now. HEY A-ROD...YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE AND I WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE!!!

Kevin James
You know what Kevin James...I used to like you. Back when you and Stacy Carosi from Saved by the Bell were married on that show, you were awesome. You gave fat guys everywhere hope that one day even a fat guy can marry a hot chick from Staten Island or wherever gives her that crazy accent. And then you decided to make a move that will most likely turn your career into an absolute joke. You sold out and signed on to make Paul Blart - Mall Cop. It goes without saying that this movie probably shouldn't have ever been written, let alone made and distributed and you should be ashamed of yourself for taking part in it. You're better than that Kevin James. Or, well, I thought you were. Now you, the writers, producers, directors and any pissant assistant that helped make this movie all need to be punched in the face. You should be ashamed of yourself.

This Organization Will Not Tolerate Failure... Anymore

2009-01-07T14:28:00.005-05:00

On Monday, November 24th, 2008, the Jeff Genyk experiment was ended by the powers that be at Eastern Michigan University. Genyk was 15-42 the day of his firing and finished off his time at Eastern in style (I would say style and class but that was clearly not the case) by beating those assholes from Mt. Pleasant to give him a grand total of 16 wins in 5 seasons as a head coach. That's 3.2 wins a season and it of course was beyond unacceptable.

Fast forward about a month to December 22nd, 2008, the day the EMU administration finally got what they wanted. Ron English was target number 1 from the start (if you read back you'll see he was also my first pick right off the bat...and then I said it was gonna be Fred Jackson...whoops) and the powers that be found a way to scrape together enough money ($350K almost double what Genyk was paid) to entice one of the hottest names in coaching to take control of a football team with no sense of direction and 16 wins in the past five seasons.

Why do I think Ron English will be successful at a place with no conference titles in over 20 years and one who's last winning season was when Bill Clinton was in office? I could answer it in one sentence but that would be boring. Here are ten reasons why Coach English will turn the perrennial MAC doormat into a championship contender.

In no particular order...

1. English is a FOOTBALL GUY. He has done nothing else in his life but play football and then coach football. Genyk played ball at Bowling Green (which should have raised eyebrows from the start) and then spent 15 or so years in the business world selling office furniture or something and then one day decided to coach football. English on the other hand played at Cal and when his playing days were over, he started coaching and has done nothing else with his life since.

2. English has actually called plays during a game. Genyk was never a coordinator at any level. This is a HUGE issue that I've harped on before in this blog. In my opinion, you cannot effectively run a football team unless you have actually been the guy in charge of calling the shots when the bullets start flying in a football game. Not only has English been a defensive coordinator, but he was voted as Rival's Defensive Coordinator of the Year in 2006 for his efforts at Michigan. Defense has been an issue for a couple of seasons at EMU and like the old addage goes, "Defense wins championships." Come next fall, you will see an entirely different defensive attitude in Ypsilanti.

3. He's spent his entire life on the defensive side of the ball. This is not a reiteration of my previous point. This is important and notable because his new offensive coordinator (it's not announced yet but it's Ken Karcher from Toledo) will most likely be left alone to call what he wants to call and run his offense as he sees fit, with little to no interference from the head coach, an issue that seemed to result in zany (and in the case of WMU '06 game losing) trick plays with the previous regime. I'm not saying you're never gonna see a flea flicker, I'm just saying that the new OC will most likely be allowed to run the plays he wants to run. This is a huge bonus and vastly different from past seasons.

4. Losing has never been an option for Ron English. It's happened rarely over his career coaching. Since 1996, teams he's coached with have suffered only 4 losing seasons and three of those seasons were one win from a winning season (well..a .500 season). He's not used to losing and he'll bring that mentality to Ypsilanti.

5. The Michigan Pedigree. Yeah, Northwestern is a Big 10 school too and yes, the Cats were pretty good in the mid to late 90s, but let's be honest with ourselves here...Northwestern is not Michigan. Being a coach or player at Michigan during the Carr era meant that you were getting an education as to how a football team should prepare for and win championships. As a coach, it taught you how to treat your players in order to get the most out of them in life and football. Being able to say you coached at Michigan will always raise some eyebrows when it comes up in conversation, in a good if not great way. This is something that will help with recruiting and fundraising. The guy knows how to win because he was taught how to win by winners.

6. Assistants. A head coach is only as good as his assistants (well, I'm not sure that idea really holds a hell of a lot of water because the previous head coach had some outstanding coaches but generally it's very true). Ron English is hiring some guys who can straight up coach football and have done nothing but coach football. As I've mentioned before, the assistants are not officially announced but some names are Tyrone Wheatley (yes, THAT Tyrone Wheatley), Antonio and Tim Carter, Kurt Anderson (the only holdover from the last staff, so far. Played and coached at Michigan as well), and Eric Lewis, son of long time NFL coach Sherman Lewis. I'll get into coaching responsibilities and the rest of the staff some other time. When you look at these coaches a few things pop out at you. 1. They're younger guys as far as football coaches go. 2. They're pure football guys. 3. They've all played and/or coached football at extremely high levels. 4. When you add those three things up, you get great recruiters and guys that the players will play for and trust. A very important thing in terms of success. (More on assistants when official announcement from the sports information department is released via the Eagle Nation website.)

7. The players are there for winning and winning quickly. Schmitt, Blevins, Fretz, LeDuc, Johnson, Buche, Davis, Gage, White, and other participating players return on the offense which, as most of you know, was one of the most prolific in the country for the last two weeks of the season. Defensively EMU returns Hatchett, Hicks, Downard, Downs, Long,Ohrman, a slew of more than capable defensive tackles, May, and Jenkins. Looking at it now you would have to think that with the breath of fresh air that comes with a new staff, this is a team that could win 5-7 games next season. Army, Arkansas, Michigan, and Northwestern are the non conference opponents next year which could make things tough but two of those games are truly winnable while the other two would require some sort of devine intervention from St. Jude (patron saint of the hopeless cause, seriously) to get a win. Either way, we've still got some good ballplayers left over in Ypsilanti.

8. Intensity. With a young coaching staff comes young coaching staff intensity. Practices will be highly competitive (especially with the Carter brothers coaching WRs and DBs against each other every day), well organized, and productive. The enthusiasm won't be the fake kind the players and fans are used to. There won't be any of the shenanigans from the game against the assholes from Mt. Pleasant, but you can bet your ass these players will be mentally and physically prepared to play as hard as they can for every play every week.

9. The Administration is finally 100% committed to winning. I don't mean committed like in Blue Chips where we're buying new John Deere's for kids from the sticks, I mean committed as in they are finally willing to open up the pursestrings and pump some money into a program that desperately needs it. You have to spend money to make money and to make money you need a winning football team. People out there constantly (The Eastern Echo, forum posters, etc.) talk shit about how nobody comes to the games, well, if you don't win games, you don't get people to come watch you. It's pretty simple. No wins, no fans, no money. All that is about to change.

10. It's time. The time to win is now at EMU. The University needs it. The Alumni need it. The Ypsilanti community needs it. A winning football team at EMU would finally instill a sense of pride in an area of the state that hasn't had a whole hell of a lot to be proud of in a while (I'm not counting Ann Arbor in the area because people from Ann Arbor typically walk around with an air of asshole entitlement and I don't like them). Ron English is the coach that will turn this football team into a championship contender and in turn, give those that need it, something they can hang their hat on.

Preview for tomorrow: A new feature! People I'd Like To Punch in the Face

*UPDATE*
Also staying on at EMU are Video Coordinator Matt Patterson, Director of Football Operations Jake Kirkendall, and Graduate Assistant Steve Otterbein.

School Daze and The Lifting of the Tigers Embargo

2009-01-06T10:41:00.006-05:00

Still being a student at my age still has some benefits. Apart from the actual pursuit of a higher education, going to EMU blesses my life in ways that typically cannot be found in any other spectrum. I'm not saying that I love going to class every day and all that nonsense, I'm talking purely about the sarcastic blessings I get to see on a daily basis. Things like showing up late to class and having the professor pat you on the back and say, "Good morning Mr. Cole, glad you could join us." (To which I replied, "Good morning Dr. Quiel, yeah I haven't seen 8 AM in about two weeks." which gave the class a nice early morning chuckle) Also, I love seeing the ridiculous things people wear when it's butt ass cold outside. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate when girls don't wear a whole hell of a lot of clothes but at the same time, I don't want to hear you complain about how cold it is when you're wearing booty shorts and a pair of Uggs. Seeing the random person who shows up 45 minutes late to class and starts asking questions and causing the rest of us to stay for the whole allotted time instead of busting out early, classic. Another thing I really like to do is eat lunch in the band building on campus. Few things in life are more entertaining than seeing a bunch of band geeks congregate with each other and talk about anime and other nerdy things. Always puts a smile on my face. On a more serious note, I really like when an instructor gives the class an assignment to create a blog to put news stories on. This is beneficial to me because...well c'mon, are you not reading why this is beneficial to me right now? Basically this is a warning, if you start seeing random serious "news" stories on here, it's an assignment for a class and not a move to being a "journalist." I have never claimed any sort of journalistic credibility nor will I. The purpose of this blog has always been to entertain you, my dozen or so readers, and to give me some sort of creative outlet in my annoyingly hectic yet boring life. That being said...let's talk about something completely different.

It is currently January 6th, 2009 and my self imposed grounding from writing about the Tigers is over so let's talk some baseball!! It appears that Dombrowski and Illitch have learned their lesson about trying to buy a championship from last season and have reverted back to the ways that remind me of simpler times. They've resorted to signing gritty white dudes again! To replace Pudge behind the dish, the Tigers acquired Gerald Laird from Texas and Matt Treanor from Florida. Laird is a career .255 hitter with 25 home runs and 136 RBI. Not exactly eye popping stats but Laird has a reputation for having a ROCKET for an arm and defensive skills that could eventually lead to a Gold Glove at some point. Barring injury Laird will be the every day catcher for the Tigers in 2009. Treanor on the other hand will serve as a more than capable backup for Laird. Treanor is a career .237 hitter with 8 home runs and 36 RBI, again not eye popping numbers but the biggest thing Treanor brings to the table is the fact that he is married to Misty May-Treanor of beach volleyball and Dancing With the Stars fame. Hopefully she'll show up at a few games and I can buy her a beer and talk about her catastrophic Achilles tendon injury suffered while ballroom dancing. Probably not but still, how awesome would that be?

Another great pickup by the Tigers this offseason was short stop Adam Everett. Everett is known for his range and arm strength and not at all for what he can do with the bat (career .246 hitter with 37 HR and 236 RBI). Everett will give the Tigers arguably the best defensive left side of the infield when combined with Brandon Inge back at the hot corner. Defense was a problem for the Tigers last season and these pickups should help fix that problem. The only thing I worry about is Inge and Everett diving for the same ball in the gap and slamming their heads together which, given each player's penchant for making the spectacular play, is a distinct possibility.

Another area in which the Tigers struggled last season was pitching. From the starters to the closers, the Tigers were, simply put, not good. Things for the staff seemed to cannonball when Bondo had to get that rib removed and was declared out for the season early on last year. The Tigers acquired relatively young Edwin Jackson (who was born in Germany oddly enough) from the Devil Rays, I mean Rays for former Official Tiger of Tobacco Juice Sports Matt Joyce. Of course, my initial reaction to the trade was something along the lines of MFing the Tigers for trading away a young player with a powerful bat and decent glove (remember Cameron Maybin?) for an unproven starting pitcher. After calming down and thinking about it 30 seconds later, I realized that it could potentially be a great deal for a great pitcher. To use the term I've used about eight times so far in this post, Jackson's stats aren't exactly eye popping. Last season, his second as a full time starter, Jackson posted a 4.42 ERA with 108 strikeouts over 183.1 innings and a 14-11 record. However, Jackson was solid enough in the second half of the season (10-4 with a 3.43 ERA) to give the impression that he can shore up the Tigers rotation and prove to be another good, young arm in the arsenal.

As for the rotation, the Tigers have 4 of the 5 spots solidified with Bondo, Verlander, Jackson, and pleasant surprise Armando Galarraga. The fifth spot will most likely be determined during spring training and could be filled by typically solid yet extremely average Zach Miner or the hopefully rebounding Dontrelle Willis or Nate Robertson who both suffered abysmal seasons in 2008. I wish I could tell you who it is going to be but I can tell you that I hope Dontrelle can find the plate again this off season and returns to the pitcher he was earlier in his career.

The bullpen is what worries me the most about the Tigers' pitching staff and it has been a question mark for years now. The main problem is the Tigers have no real closer. Rodney is a trainwreck and has been for three seasons now. Zumaya is coming off an injury and is just now starting to just pick up a baseball and might not be ready for the start of spring training. Freddy Dolsi is an option but is better in the 6th, 7th, and 8th innings in my opinion. Bobby Seay, let's skip him. With no other definite closers left on the market, I will throw a radical idea out there for the Tigers' closing spot. Nate Robertson. That's right. Nate has always been a great pitcher his first time through opponent's lineups but once they get a bead on his delivery and whatnot, he is extremely hittable. Why not just eliminate the first 8 innings of a game for Nate and let him come in and get three outs and a save in the 9th? It's an idea the Tigers are reportedly mulling over but I still see it as a longshot even though personally, I love the idea.

On the whole, are the Tigers contenders in 2009? For me to make any sort of prediction right now would be asinine and borderline reckless. That and last year about this time I was singing the praises of the Tigers and all but guaranteeing at least a Central Division title and instead, the Tigers finished last in the Central and were right there with the overspending Yankees (more on those assholes and their lack of the concept of money later) watching everyone else play in October. Could this season be special? Well, with the much improved defense and seemingly improved pitching staff with a healthy Bondo, it certainly could be. My main concern is this, Carlos Guillen being moved out to left field. Leyland keeps saying that playing out there will take less of a toll on his aging body and allow him to be more productive at the plate. If that proves true, the upper half of the lineup could potentially be strong to very strong. The lineup will look something like this...
1. Granderson CF
2. Polanco 2B
3. Cabrera 1B
4. Ordonez RF
5. Guillen LF
6. Sheffield/Thames/Random Power Hitting White Dude DH
7. Laird C
8. Everett SS
9. Inge 3B
Can you win with this lineup? Absolutely. Will you win with this lineup? How the hell should I know? It's January 6th and I'm just a dude with a laptop and some time to kill.

Preview for Tomorrow - 10 reasons why new Eastern Michigan Head Football Coach Ron English WILL NOT FAIL...and assistant coach hirings.

Happy Boxing Day Canada!!!

2008-12-26T17:51:00.005-05:00

After a long layoff I'm back from up north snowmobiling and thoroughly enjoyed Christmas with the family and I hope you did too. Now...what did we miss over the past week?
Before I get started, just a little background music for everyone who was hating on me on the message boards (I read them, I don't post on them, they're terrible for the environment) just click the video and listen to the music as you read.

I'm never one to gloat so I won't gloat about the Ron English hiring at Eastern Michigan which is EXACTLY what that team and university needs. After watching the press conference I am convinced that this is the man for the job and EMU will once again be respectable in the MAC and who knows...they might even mess around and win the damn thing within the next two years. As far as recruiting goes, I feel that even though the previous regime was instructed to NOT recruit (very much) after the firing, the hiring of English is such a high profile one that any real football player who wants to play in the MAC would have to take a step back from their options and take a good long look at EMU again. Recruiting will not take as big of a hit as everyone is thinking and that is a very, very good thing. Oh, and since I was snowed in up north in Mesick, Michigan (the mushroom capitol of the world), I wasn't able to rip off Brian at MGoBlog and post this video after a great hire of a great football coach. I'll go ahead and do that now...

EASTERN HIRES RON ENGLISH!!!

Like I've already said, I'm EXTREMELY fired up about this hire and know that this team in Ypsilanti will be a source of pride for the community again very, VERY soon.

In other news...the Lions are now 0-15 and are a mere 60 football minutes away from being the first 0-16 team in the history of the No Fun Leage, I mean National Football League. Before I get to the Lions and their undying pitifulness, I have to chastise NFL Commish Roger Goodell for being a celebration Nazi. Last Sunday in a snowy game against Arizona, New England Patriots reciever Wes Welker caught a touchdown pass and then made a snow angel in the endzone.

As you saw in the video, it was nothing more than a guy having some fun in the snow after making a great play for a touchdown. By letter of the law, a player cannot go to the ground for a touchdown celebration which is the second biggest crock of shit involved with this incident. The biggest crock of shit and the current front runner for the "Crock of Shit of the Year" award, is the fact that the NFL (No Fun League as mentioned before) fined Welker $10,000 bucks for it. So you fine Wes Welker for making a snow angel and you let the Dallas Cowboys act like a bunch of girls in front of the press like a bad episode of Dawson's Creek. Something's not right here, and if I'm Wes Welker, I make a snow angel again next week as an F.U. to Goodell and his celebration Gestapo.

As for the Lions, let's face it, they simply will not win on Sunday in Green Bay. They struggle enough there with a good team let alone with this shitpile they have rolling out every week. The Lions will be 0-16 and will forever be known as the worst team in the history of the NFL.

HOWEVER

I truly believe that Rod Marinelli is NOT THE ONE TO BLAME! It's not his fault at all. Marinelli was handed the keys to another Ford Lemon and he did the best he could do with what he had. It's not like he's Marty Mornenweig choosing to kick off to start overtime in Chicago. Rod Marinelli is simply not the one to blame. Everyone above Rod Marinelli deserves all the blame in the world. And the idea of keeping Matt Millen's right hand man Martin Mayhew on as GM next season would be the biggest mistake the Ford's have made since they hired Millen. Why keep on a guy who has the same ideas and concepts as the guy you just fired? Like my old man says, most of the time it's the Jimmy's and Joe's, not the X's and O's which is the case in Detroit. The X's and O's are there, they just don't have the Jimmy's and Joe's to play on Sundays which is the main job of the GM and Millen screwed that up and I feel that Mayhew will do the same thing and leave us Lions fans scratching our heads as usual on draft day. Until Ford sells his team or gives control to his son, the Lions will never win. I know it's radical, but firing Rod Marinelli is not going to fix anything and could (somehow) make things worse.

The Pistons...OK, I'm not going to lie to you at all, I've spent exactly two and a half minutes watching the Pistons this season and that was because the Red Wings were on commercial and I hit the wrong button on the remote. That is how much I care about the Pistons. When I watch them, it's typically on accident or it's the playoffs and the Wings are off that night. Call it what you will, I simply cannot stand watching the NBA in fact, I would rather watch grass grow than watch the NBA. I would rather watch drunken clowns make balloon animals than the NBA. I would rather watch soccer, women's college hoops, Alf, reruns of Three's Company, or the Lindsay Lohan version of the Parent Trap than watch the NBA. Shit, I'd rather go to class than watch the NBA, and that's really saying something there. Dad just chimed in with a gem, "I'd rather watch heavyweight division beach volleyball than the NBA." Exactly Dad, exactly.

The Wings, well, they're just doing what they do. They're 8-2 and peckerslapped the NHL's best team San Jose last week 6-0, a win that served as a reminder to the rest of the league that the Detroit Red Wings are still the Detroit Red Wings and will kick your ass every night if you don't come to play. Ozzie has been hurt for almost a month now and Ty Conklin has done a tremendous job filling in for him, posting two shutouts and an 11-4 season record with a 2.53 Goals Against Average. Marian Hossa has proved to be the best free agent signing for any team in the offseason as he's leading the Wings in goals at the moment with 17 and is second to Datsyuk in points with 34 (Datsyuk has 37). There is one name on the stat sheet that continues to stand out to me and that name is Jiri Hudler. Hudler is fourth on the team in points behind Datsyuk, Hossa, and Zetterberg which is quite the company to be involved with. Hudler has 13 goals and 15 helpers on the year for a total of 28 but what's most impressive is that he's scored 13 times this year while only taking 66 shots which gives him a very impressive shooting percentage of just under 20% (19.7 to be exact). What does that mean? Well, if Hossa had a 20% shooting percentage, he would have scored 28 goals already instead of just 17. Either way, this is just typical Red Wings, you have your superstars lead the way and then the less noticeable guys follow their lead and play good hockey. Next week on January 1st, the Wings play in Chicago at Wrigley Field in the League's third outdoor game. So far conditions are going to be perfect but to me it doesn't matter because I'm an idiot and waited too long to buy my tickets for it. It's always a battle when these two Original Six teams face off with each other but given the grand stage this game is on, it should be even more intense and fun to watch. I just might watch the hockey game instead of the bowl games that day. We'll see.

As a Boxing Day present, here's Elisha Cuthbert doing what she does.

HAPPY BOXING DAY!!

Whoa Whoa Whoa...What?? (Update!)

2008-12-18T14:47:00.006-05:00

Sources close to the Eastern Michigan Football program have just informed me that Louisville Defensive Coordinator and one of the hottest names in coaching Ron English is interviewing with the powers that be in Ypsilanti today. Not only is he interviewing today but from what I've heard, the job is apparently his to lose.

More to come on this later tonight.

More info on English can be found here.

*UPDATE*
Sources are saying that the interview with English today went VERY well. Well enough to the point where it's almost a done deal and we could have us a new football coach within the next week. Stay tuned.

If I Could Write a Letter To...

2008-12-17T14:58:00.004-05:00

Dear Dallas Cowboys,
It's time to stop acting like a bunch of gossiping 8th grade girls at a junior high dance. As much as I hate your team, your owner, your players, and the shithole state you call home, I have to ask you to quit acting like a bunch of retards so I can watch Sportscenter without having to see Pedro Gomez or Ed Werder talking about how T.O. said that Tony Romo and Jason Witten were having Cowboy butt sex in the showers that day.

Seriously, enough already.
Cole

Dear Detroit Lions,
All my life I've been a Lions fan. Not the crazy "call into talk radio shows and go off about how we need better weakside protection on the outside zone then dress up as a Lion in a throwback Barry Sanders jersey and scream at everybody at every game and at my house when they're on the road" type fan, but a fan nonetheless. As a lifelong Lions fan I have to get something off my chest. YOU GUYS SUCK! From the top of the food chain Willam Clay Ford, all the way down to Carl, the guy who changes out the urinal cakes. If I had the power and the money to buy you I would fire everybody and just start over. I'm not going to get into how I would fix you because it wouldn't work anyway. As a fan, I hope and pray that you do in fact go 0-16 this year because damnit, you deserve it as an organization. It's my way of punishing you for punishing us as fans by throwing that terrible excuse for an NFL franchise at us year after miserable year. I will be the biggest Saints fan in America this week. I hope Brees torches you for 500 and 8 touchdowns and then I hope you get shut out. You're pathetic and I hate you.
Love Always,
Cole

Dear Jake Kirkendall,
Please get EMU Video Coordinator Matt Patterson a wrist pad for his mouse hand so he will stop bitching about getting carpal tunnel.
Cole

Dear Roomates,
I woke up this morning with every intention of shoveling the driveway. In fact, I was actually looking forward to it because I'm sick like that. Everything was great this morning until I lumbered up the stairs to take my morning leak only to see this message on the whiteboard in the kitchen: "If I Could Write a Letter To... Dear Cole, Shovel the driveway, don't be a lazy bastard today. Signed, Your Roomates" Now, like I said, I had nothing but the purest intentions this morning after we got the 4 inches of snow that covered our driveway but then you had to go and ruin it by being assholes. Have fun shoveling the driveway when you get home and watch out for the water I "spilled" on the porch step. Oh and another thing, next time the internet in the house goes out, don't freak out about it. It's not my fault you have to take a five minute break from your gay little World of Warcraft quest. That shit is gayer than Cowboy Butt Sex.
Love,
Cole

Dear Stores That Play Christmas Music on a Constant Loop During the Season,
There is nothing more agitating and frustrating than Christmas music. Especially when it's been redone by someone like Jessica Simpson or Reba McIntyre or The Backstreet Boys. If you want to play some Bing Crosby once or twice an hour I'm totally fine with that but once you start getting Justin Timberlake doing a remix of Little Drummer Boy, that's when my anger level starts to peak and when I'm most likely to scream at the old lady running the register for taking so damn long doing a price check on some little bastard's Buzz Lightyear or Princess Unicorn doll. Just stop it. I can't stand it any more. And you wonder why people get trampled at Wal-Mart.
I am not a Scrooge, I just hate Christmas music.
Cole

Dear Eastern Michigan University,
I swear to God, if you decide to be assholes and not let me graduate for some reason. I'll probably jump off the top of the Ypsilanti brick dick.
Cole

Playoffs? Don't talk about Playoffs!

2008-12-09T21:09:00.007-05:00

Ok I would like to start this post off with a disclaimer...I don't truly believe that division 1 college football needs a playoff or should have one. HOWEVER the BCS is absolute bullshit and there has to be a different way to do this.

Personally, I think that a four team playoff is the best and most cost effective way to do it. And when you really think about it, is the #5 team ever really a national championship contender? How can the #5 team really have an argument to be in the national championship game? In reality, we should just take the top 4 teams and have a true national championship game featuring the winners of the 1 vs 4 and 2 vs 3 bowl games.

BUT

For the sake of argument and creativity...here is an 8 team playoff format that may work...

Why just 8? because 16 is entirely too many and anyone who thinks that #12 Cincinnati could hang with and possibly beat #5 USC is gravely mistaken. 8 teams in would mean that the playoff would only take 3 weeks to complete. As for choosing the teams...and here's where things get a little bit radical...I would keep the conference championships BUT on the national stage, they would mean nothing. I would divide the country into 4 regions and have 4 at large teams. This season it would go like this: You would have Penn State from the Midwest region, Florida from the south, USC from the West, and Oklahoma from the Plains States. As for the 4 at large teams you would have to include Alabama, Texas, Utah, and Boise State but only because they were undefeated and if you run the table, you probably deserve a shot.

As for seeding, you would go by the AP Polls and get rid of any non-human method of choosing anything. So if my plan were in effect it would be a first round of...
#1 Florida vs. #8 Boise State
#2 Oklahoma vs. #7 Penn State
#3 Texas vs. #6 Utah
#4 Alabama vs. #5 USC
On paper, these are all pretty good match ups. And since we're only talking about paper let's do another round...
Florida would beat Boise State without any real trouble as would Oklahoma against Penn State. As for the rest of them, I think Texas would find that Utah and their ridiculously fast offense and surprisingly stingy defense, would give the Longhorns some trouble but Texas would still advance. Alabama, fresh off their loss to Florida in the SEC championship game would lose to USC so the semi final round would be Florida vs. USC and Oklahoma vs. Texas (again I know). Then of course Florida and Oklahoma would both win again and we'd have the exact same result we have now. BUT at least we would give everyone else who has a chance...a chance.

(notice the italics? Yeah, SarahVan just showed up...)

Wait...stop it...just stop you don't know what you're talking about.
While that is an interesting idea for a playoff. But come on, what self respecting playoff only includes eight teams? Sure, baseball does, but that is about it. NBA...16. NHL....16. NFL....12. NCAA Basketball....65. So why limit college football to just eight? It is just not fair...especially when you think about the quality of the teams across the country. Why not give a Boise State a chance to beat an Oklahoma EVERY YEAR, not just when everything works out perfectly.

Which is why I suggest the idea of a 16-team playoff. It is a great number (perfect square) and allows for the perfect amount of teams. Every one of the Football Bowl Subdivision conferences (formerly Division 1-A) gets one automatic bid. Whoever is considered the conference champion, whether there is a championship game or not, gets its conference's automatic bid. So this year, that would be:

ACC: Virginia Tech
SEC: Florida
Big 10: Penn State
Pac-10: USC
MAC: Buffalo (for real!?)
Big 12: Oklahoma
WAC: Boise State
Big East: Cincy
Mountain West: Utah
Sun Belt: Troy

Now for the at-large selections...we will take into consideration BCS standings for this exercise
Alabama
Texas
Ohio State
Texas Tech
Oklahoma State
TCU

So now that we have the teams set, now for some rules. The teams will be seeded, based on whatever. It doesn't matter that Troy won the Sun Belt...still going to be the 16 seed. Higher seed gets to host the game. Final four games will take place at one of the sites of the BCS bowls. It will rotate every year, so that each location still feels the love. The tournament will start the week after conference championships. This will then make December that much better...and we can still have our beloved New Years day games.

For the rest of the schools...let's keep the other bowls. We can get rid of the really stupid and terrible ones, like the Papajohn's bowl and the emerald bowl and the cereal bowl. ok i made that last one up. But get rid of a few insignifcant ones and call it a day.

This gives smaller schools a chance every year to pull off an upset. Granted, we will never see another awesome Boise State-Oklahoma game like we did a few years ago...but at least this gives us a chance for that to happen. Who knows...maybe Buffalo could pull off an amazing upset...who knows unless we give them a chance?!

I think a playoff is where we need to head. Granted the BCS stuff always "works itself out" but we just spent the last few weeks saying it wouldn't. and that happens EVERY year. so why not just do what i say? Because I am always right.

Not always Van, not always. 16 teams is entirely too many. Probably. Either way...In other news I have received information from my sources about the Eastern Michigan coaching vacancy. Chuck Martin, Scott Loeffler, and Fred Jackson are all interviewing with the EMU administration this week. I expect there to be another round of interviews next week as well unless one of these three guys just blows the AD and interview board away. We shall see. Oh and due to the fact that I'm an idiot (and a fiercely loyal reader pointed it out to me) I misspoke about Ball State going to the Motor City Bowl. They are actually going to the GMAC bowl in Alabama, so they won't really need a coat, but maybe just a jacket. Central is instead going to the Motor City Bowl for like the 8th year in a row. Awesome.

I would talk about the Tigers and their signings of SS Adam Everett and Catcher Gerald Laird, but if you remember, I grounded myself from writing about the Tigers in detail until after the first of the year. Sorry, it is what it is.

If I Could Write A Letter To...

2008-12-08T14:47:00.006-05:00

Dear Plaxico Burress, or should I call you Cheddar Bob from 8 Mile?
So let me get this straight, you went to the club with your buddy Antonio Pierce on a Thursday night in Manhattan, you felt as if for some reason you needed to bring a gun with you, just in case, you then shot yourself in the leg with said gun after trying to get it out of your sweatpants pocket.
OK, there are a couple things wrong with this, going to the club is not wrong. I'm perfectly fine with that, what did you have to lose anyway? You were on the injured list at the time for a hamstring injury so why not go out and drink that thing better? I'm fine with that. You brought a gun, to which you used to be licensed to carry to the club with you. That's kind of borderline really. You shouldn't need that sort of protection as a professional athlete with enough money to pay for someone else to carry a gun for you but you decided instead to bring the gun with you into the club just in case. That's what guns are for, protection and hunting. Still, you should have known your license had expired but that will happen. Now, other than the new hole in your leg and ruined season and reputation, let's talk about what really bothers me about this whole incident. Dude, you make millions and millions of dollars a year and you're wearing sweats to the bar? Don't get me wrong, I love a good pair of sweats, but c'mon man, even my lazy ass doesn't wear sweats to the bar! Have a little respect for yourself. Have you ever tried to reach into your sweat pants pocket to fish your cell phone out of there? It's a real pain in the ass sometimes. Now when you reach in there to pull a freakin gun out, you had to have known that it was gonna get caught up on somethin and you might fire it on accident. Common sense Plax, common sense. And for Christ's sake, put a pair of jeans on next time.
Idiot.
Cole

Dear Notre Dame Football,
Do you really think you deserve to fly out to Hawaii to lose to the home team in the Hawaii bowl? You beat one team this season that finished with a winning record (Navy, and they almost lost that one) and have turned one of the most storied and successful college football programs in the country into the college football world's punchline. You know what, I can't wait to watch Hawaii absolutely destroy you. I wish you nothing but extremely painful sunburns. Turning down a bowl bid with class is probably better than getting your ass whupped by a WAC team. Oh and as a parting cheap shot, Charlie Weis should probably eat less.
You Suck!
Cole

Dear Ball State,
First for the football team, you probably should have taken that Humanitarian Bowl bid eh? Instead you get to travel back to exotic and exciting...Detroit...awesome. However, there is good news! Remember when you had a student become an internet sensation for extreme ineptitude? You don't? How soon we forget, watch this video and then I'll come back to you.

Years later, you've finally made it to the top rung of the pop culture ladder. You've been turned into a sexual catchphrase used on Family Guy.

Congrats on a great season and enjoy your trip to Detroit. You might want to get a coat.
Sincerely,
Cole

Dear Michigan Basketball,
WELCOME BACK TO RELEVANCE!!! Two wins over top 5 teams (UCLA and Puke, I mean Duke) in a little over a week means that you could play mediocre basketball from here on out and still be a shoe-in for a long awaited return trip to the Big Dance. It's great to see Crisler Arena rocking again! Take it easy on Eastern this weekend. And for the record, I was never off the band wagon. I was just a silent passenger.
I should probably go to that game eh?
Cole

Dear American Government,
Since you just like bailing people out all the time lately, how about you float me a nice "pay me back if you want to but it's really no big deal if you don't want to" loan so I can buy one of those new hybrid Dodge Rams that the dude from Chrysler was telling you about when he was on Capitol Hill. I have to tell you, you probably should have bailed out the Big 3 waaaaay before you bailed out the banks. And there's an issue here that I don't really like. You're making the automakers who employ millions of your own citizens, jump through hoops and make promises about repayment and changing the way they do things just to get a little bit of help so they CAN change the way they do things. When the banks needed money, you just kind of wrote them a blank check even though they promised no repayment and no actual change. When are you going to realize that most of America resides firmly in the lower middle class, blue collar worker category? President Elect Obama? You got anything to add to this? Hello? Anyone?
Stop worry about the assholes at the bank and worry more about the Joe Six Packs out there that are just trying to make ends meet.
Seriously,
Cole

Dear NCAA,
Do you think it's time for a playoff system yet? You don't? What if I wrote up a FOOLPROOF playoff plan for you, would you consider it then? You still wouldn't? What if I had it for you tomorrow? You might glance at it? Ok, that's all I needed to know.
Signed,
Cole

(NCAA Playoff Plan tomorrow)

Meanwhile Back at the Hall of Justice...

2008-12-04T18:56:00.003-05:00

Ball State rejects a bid to face Boise State in the Humanitarian Bowl.

Personally, I would love to see how Ball State would do against a big time program like Boise, HOWEVER, I 100% agree with why Ball State turned the bid down.

The Humanitarian bowl is played in Boise, Idaho. Boise State University is located in BOISE FREAKIN IDAHO. It's a home game for the Broncos on the Smurf Turf and therefore, completely unfair. I'm not saying that I disagree with the Broncos playing a home bowl game, I am just saying that I disagree with the Broncos playing a home bowl game against Ball State.

All of you Ball State and MAC football fans out there, raise your hands if you would make the trip to Idaho to watch this game....ok player and coach family members put your hands down...ok there's 3 hands and one of them is David Letterman. I am all for Ball State going to a bowl game that their suddenly loyal fan base would travel to, instead of driving in the back of a pickup truck (you know how those Indiana people roll) all the way to Idaho.

The only problem I have with it is this. A Boise State/Ball State matchup would be a matchup of two undefeated teams. Now that Ball State has put the kibosh on this game, any other bowl game they would go to and perhaps win, could almost be considered an asterisk on an otherwise perfect season. Now, if they were to for some reason lose to Buffalo tomorrow in the MAC Championship Game...then this point is moot as moot can be.

That's all for tonight, time to go to the bar with Otter.

Oh, and check out the new items in the Tobacco Juice Store!

But Aren't Sloppy Firsts Worse Than Sloppy Seconds?

2008-12-03T16:08:00.005-05:00

Wouldn't you rather have sloppy seconds than sloppy firsts? Seriously, think about it. If you're getting sloppy firsts...yeesh. I would much rather have sloppy seconds. What the hell am I talking about? Watch the video and then I'll explain...

Now, for those of you who aren't hockey buffs, the guy talking is Sean Avery. NHL antagonist extraordinaire. I personally like Avery because he is, first of all a former Red Wing (2001-2003), and he's an old school tough guy the new school twist of having the ability to score and set up goals. He reminds me of my second all time favorite Red Wing Dino Ciccarelli (the first favorite is of course Steve Yzerman with Darren McCarty following in a close third) in the way that he's a smaller guy who just skates around and bugs the shit out of people and when given the opportunity, will put the puck in the net. Avery is a grinder type guy on the ice. Off the ice...well he's kind of a douchebag. Last summer he interned at Vogue magazine. That alone is reason enough to call the guy a douchebag off the ice. Like I've said though, on the ice, I like/love the way he plays. Even last year in the playoffs when they had to make up a new rule (the Avery rule) in between periods so he would stop annoying the shit out of Devil's netminder Martin Brodeur. A lot of people said his antics were unacceptable and unsportsmanlike but, until the end of the first period, he was playing within the letter of the law (for those of you who don't know, Avery was standing in front of Brodeur waving his stick around in his face and yelling at him in order to distract him enough to allow a goal to go through, that would annoy the piss out of anyone let alone an NHL goalie so the refs changed the rule book and told him to stop or it would be a penalty).

Now, why is sloppy seconds story relevant to this blog and its readers? The sloppy seconds he was talking about just happens to be the Official Hot Chick of Tobacco Juice Sports, Elisha Cuthbert who is currently dating Calgary Defenseman (and NHL 09 coverboy) Dion Phaneuf. Insert gratuitous Elisha Cuthbert photo here...

Avery and his Dallas Stars were in Calgary to play the Flames last night when he spouted off to reporters after the team's morning skate. After the league saw the video, they suspended him indefinitely and he didn't even get the chance to play and potentially square off with Phaneuf. Avery is obviously upset with how he and Elisha parted ways, otherwise he might not have said anything.

OR

He was trying to pick a fight and up the NHL ratings for the game later that night. This is where I feel that Worst Commissioner in the World Gary Bettman, is in the wrong for suspending Avery. Bettman and his corporational cronies are so concerned about the league's image and all that other bullshit that he's taken some of the fun away from the NHL. Everyone loves a good hockey fight and better yet, everyone loves watching a game that you know is going to be full of dudes flying around on skates trying to knock the living piss out of each other just out of the pure hatred for the other guy (see Red Wings vs. Avalanche). Rivalries, be it personal or team, are what make the NHL such a great sport. So instead of allowing the fuse of the dynamite to burn, Bettman basically pissed all over it so his corporate sponsors wouldn't get nervous about giving money to the NHL. I do realize that what Avery said is mildly degrading to women, probably more than mildly, but I wouldn't know I'm not a chick. But suspending him indefinitely like he's freakin Pac-Man Jones is a bit too harsh for my liking. I do know this, if Avery is reinstated by the next time these two teams play (if he is in fact still playing for the Stars, who were not very happy with what he said either) you can expect to see some SlapShot style old time hockey. Just when you think the NHL is starting to take the market back from the NBA...Gary F-ing Bettman happens.

Speaking of rivalries, according to the Morning Sun, the newspaper for all of the little shitbird towns north of Lansing, the Mid American Conference is looking into the antics of both teams and coaching staffs from last Friday's Eastern Michigan/Central Michigan game. I understand that such actions are typically inexcuseable but the MAC must understand one thing before they investigate too deeply and before they hand out any punishments, the main catalyst of the whole thing, is no longer employed by his university. If they take that into consideration and just file the incidents under "Shit Happens," instead of blowing it out of proportion (like they are starting to do) we would all be a lot better off. The instigator is no longer around...no further punishments needed. Just let it die and tell the officials for next season's game to be ready and not lose control of the game. Morning Sun article here.

As for EMU Head Coach rumors...I have no new news. It still stands at Jackson, Campbell, Loeffler, and Brown.

Now, THAT Was Fun!

2008-11-30T20:12:00.004-05:00

EASTERN BEATS CENTRAL 56 TO Fifty...ummm...backwards six? (good lord)
The forums are ablaze with negative talk about Friday's Eastern Michigan win over hated Central Michigan. As I've mentioned before, I read the forums every day but only have enough creative energy to write on this blog every once in a while so I don't comment but still read them because I find them entertaining to see everyone talk about things they have no idea about. Seriously, it really cracks me up.

As for the game...holy shit.
It was a powder keg from the start. All the pre-game antics served as the match that lit the fuse and exploded into a contest that featured 108 points and 1171 total offensive yards. The EMU players were fueled with the roller coaster of emotions that comes with a coach getting fired. Luckily for "Eagle Nation" the roller coaster was climbing up a hill Friday morning.

It started off innocently enough, it was late in the warmup with both teams going through their last preparations for the game. This is typically a time where teams are usually in close quarters with each other anyway but most of the time an official or two is there to babysit. This was for some reason not the case on Friday. So you put two teams who naturally don't like each other standing on either side of the fifty yard line about 2-4 yards apart with no referee supervision and see what happens. It's like poking a beehive with a stick... somebody's gonna get stung.

No punches were thrown but there was a lot of shit being talked. I for one am completely fine with this type of behavior before a big game. Did any of you see the Michigan/Ohio State game? I LOVE that kind of stuff as long as it doesn't doesn't escalate into the brawl that happened with Clemson and South Carolina a few years back which I'm sure sent Lou Holtz into a lispy locker room tirade. As long as it's just two fired up teams being and acting like fired up teams, I'm completely fine with it and if I were coaching, I would encourage it (to a point of course, c'mon I'm not retarted).

The game just escalated from there. Eastern jumped out to a 14-0 lead with Genyk jumping around on the sidelines yelling across the field at Butch Jones, pointing up to the pressbox where the administration was sitting after each score, it was the guy's last game and he was going to go out with no bullets left in the gun. The game see-sawed back and forth with Central scoring just before the end of the half to make the score 42-35. There was about 4 seconds on the clock so CMU still had to kick off one last time to end the half. 4 seconds is a long time for a lot to happen and a lot happened. Central's kicker got jacked by an EMU player and the next thing you know there was some pushing and shoving and other random nonsense that resulted in two personal foul penalties against Eastern. This confused me because I saw one Eastern player at the bottom of a Central Michigan tap dance contest at one point during the fracas. Eastern would kick off from their own 7 and a half yard line to start off the second half because of the lack of throwing a flag on CMU...the MAC's favorite team in the world.

The second half of the game was slightly less insane. It came down to back to back fourth down stops for Eastern to win the game. Eastern wins 56-52 and Jeff Genyk rides off into the sunset with a 4-1 record against Central Michigan. Four wins against the best team in the MAC in five seasons is pretty damn impressive. As for the rest of the games....anyways, the EMU players gave Genyk a deserved Gatorade bath and ran onto the field to celebrate with the Michigan MAC Trophy (which, in typical EMU fashion, broke mid celebration...awesome). Of course, during the celebration there was one more brief scuffle with a few players from each side but cooler heads prevailed and CMU hopped on the bus to wonder if they will still get a bowl bid after losing to lowly Eastern Michigan.

To wrap this game up, Andy Schmitt completed a D1 (I refuse to call it the FBS) record 58 passes, an EMU record 516 yards, had 6 total TDs and was named today as the NCAA Player of the week. Tyler Jones celebrated his last game with 23 catches which tied the D1 record and broke the EMU record. In the last two games, Schmitt threw over 150 times and threw exactly 1 interception (a fluky tipped pass against CMU), also he threw for over 1000 yards in two games, and was only sacked twice in the process which is a huge testament to the offensive line. Jones totaled 40 catches in two games which is freakin amazing. As for all of the extra curriculars...c'mon folks, it takes two to tango and both teams were in the wrong. Am I ashamed of anyone from either team for what they did or said? Hell no I'm not. That is what college football is all about and it all resulted in a great football game between two now bitter rivals. Next year's game is going to be pretty violent, let's just leave it at that.

As for the coaching hunt, it is expected that there will be a few interviews this week for the job, Corwin Brown is added to the list of candidates. Right now my top four (of people given to me by sources) is Fred Jackson, Scott Loeffler, Erik Campbell, and Corwin Brown. See any kind of a resemblance? Yeah, all Michigan guys. I'll keep you posted when I hear more about the hunt.

Oh and since the EMU Athletics website won't allow me to copy their pictures, here's a picture of the official hot chick of Tobacco Juice Sports, Elisha Cuthbert.

News From The Underground

2008-11-26T16:17:00.007-05:00

The rumor mill is churning up some good stuff and here's what I've heard so far in regards to the Eastern Michigan opening...

My first choice, Ron English, is out. He is rumored to be pursuing the San Diego State job and with the weather here (and lack of indoor practice facility in Ypsilanti) I don't blame him. That and he's from Cali anyway so that's the end of the Ron English idea.

From what I've heard there is mutual disinterest between the university and Wayne State Coach Paul Winters.

My very close to the program source has told me that it is most likely going to be Michigan Running Backs coach Fred Jackson. Fred Jackson is known for being a tremendous recruiter and great position coach. He was promoted to offensive coordinator in 95 and held that post for two seasons so he at least knows how to call a game (JG was never a coordinator at any level and could most of the time be seen on the sidelines without as much as a piece of paper, let alone a call sheet). He's been at Michigan since the Gary Moeller years, and was also a graduate assistant there, getting his masters from The U in 1975. The Fred Jackson bio can be found here.

On the whole, I think Fred Jackson would be a good hire for Eastern Michigan. As I've said, he's a great recruiter and has coached some of the best backs in Michigan history (Perry, Thomas, Biakabutuka, Hart, the list goes on). Having coached at one of the greatest football programs for so long gives him the type of coaching pedigree that we need to see here at Eastern.

Now...IF I'm wrong...there are more candidates to still talk about...

Scott Loeffler, Michigan guy, currently coaching the quarterbacks for the Detroit Lions so he'll probably need a job pretty soon.

Stan Parrish is still on the board but falling slightly with the Fred Jackson talk.

Chuck Martin is still on the board as well but he's taken the seat as the "probably not" guy.

If it is in fact going to be Jackson, you can expect an official announcement from EMU as early as Monday.

That's all for me today as Masten and the boys are all back in town and since tonight is the biggest bar night of the year (next to my personal favorite, St. Patrick's Day) we will be hammering down some brews, shots, and gin and tonics starting in about 5 minutes or so. Be safe out there and enjoy your Thanksgiving. We really do have a lot to be thankful for...like the Lions not being blacked out.

Turn the Page...

2008-11-24T17:32:00.004-05:00

As I mentioned briefly this morning, Eastern Michigan Head Football Coach Jeff Genyk was fired this morning. I promised you more info, insight, and closure, so here you go...

Eastern Michigan has long been considered an underachieving athletic program, especially on the football field. Always a team with some good players but never able to really put it all together. Things were supposed to change when Genyk got the job in 2004. The record on the field didn't change. The stands didn't fill up. The glory of the 1987 Championship team (yes, it's been 21 seasons since a MAC Football title) didn't return. Things on the field just kind of stayed the same. However, there was one main accomplishment you can attribute to the Genyk reign in Ypsilanti. The culture of EMU Football changed. Genyk took over a program that was a joke off the field and turned it into something respectable. I could go into APR points and all that nonsense but instead I will put it into better, more understandable terms. Genyk took over a drug team with a football problem and turned it into something the university could be proud of off the field. Instead of recruiting thugs from junior colleges, Genyk and his staff recruited good kids who could play football and wouldn't embarrass the program off the field. They've done such a good job of this that I can go through the entire roster and not find a true bad kid in the bunch and you have to credit the man for that. Not only did he recruit good kids but he recruited great support. He organized the Eastern Gridiron Group (an idea stolen from his days at Northwestern, a great idea) that features well to do alumni and their friends who did a great job of raising money for the program, something that just didn't happen before at Eastern. To say that Jeff Genyk left the program better than it was when he got here would be a gigantic understatement. It's because of that, that you can call his reign at Eastern a success.

There's your obituary. Now to turn the page...

Where do we go from here? Well, now we have to bring in another stand up guy who can translate a group of "good kids" into a successful football team. Former Michigan coach Lloyd Carr has been called on to be an unpaid adviser to Eastern for the hiring process so I would have to say that the next head coach at Eastern will have some Washtenaw county ties. By that I mean it's gonna be someone who coached at or against Michigan and knows Coach Carr.

One name that comes to mind is Louisville Defensive Coordinator Ron English. If I am making the hire, I go after English with everything I have. The only problem is, who would leave a big time program like Louisville who plays in front of 50,000 fans a game in the Big East on ESPN every other week, for a program like Eastern that routinely plays in front of about 5,000 on a GREAT day (we play Central on Friday, the day after Thanksgiving and I'm expecting MAYBE 500 people to be there) and sometimes accidentally finds themselves on TV. I'm hoping that Ron English would like to be a head coach and would take a pay cut (probably, I can't back that up) and take on the task of turning this program into something that people would actually like to come and watch. English is for sure my first choice but I'm not on the hiring committee.

Another name of course would be Grand Valley State Head Coach Chuck Martin. Martin reportedly really wanted the Northern Illinois job last year after Joe Novak retired from his post but obviously didn't get it. This of course means that Martin wants to move up and move on from his horribly successful GVSU team, which will probably win ANOTHER National Championship in a couple of weeks. Martin inherited a great team after Brian Kelly left for Central and was getting a serious look from the CMU administration when Kelly bolted for Cincy a couple of years ago. Martin would be a good choice because he has been a defensive coordinator and is now in charge of the high octane offensive attack at GVSU, so he's called the plays on both sides of the ball with great success. I don't know about his ability to turn a struggling program around, because he hasn't really had to. However, his championship pedigree alone would be enough for me.

With English being the longshot but best choice, I would also consider taking a long look at Ball State offensive coordinator Stan Parrish who himself has been a successful head coach in the past after reviving the Marshall program a few years after the tragedy. And if you look at Ball State and what they've done on offense for the past couple years, you would see that he knows what he's doing and knows how to turn a program around. Ball State was a laughing stock not four years ago, now they're the toast of the MAC and undefeated this season. Parrish would be a good choice.

There are people on the internets (namely the mlive.com forum, which I read but never post on) who have been clamoring for the hiring of Wayne State Head Coach Paul Winters. Although I really appreciate what he's done at Wayne State, I can't help but think he would be the wrong hire for this situation. He's won the GLIAC coach of the year 2 out of the past 3 seasons and was a running backs coach and offensive coordinator at Akron from 1994-2003. He's taken a dead program at Wayne State and turned them into a very competitive team in arguably the best D II conference in America so he knows how to rebuild. I can't put my finger on it, but I just don't see him as being the answer at EMU.

Fred Jackson, the running backs coach at Michigan has been with Carr for years and since Coach Carr is an advisor to this process, you would have to think that Coach Jackson would at least get a look. Jackson is known for being an outstanding recruiter but I can't tell you if being a great recruiter translates into being a great head coach.

Tyrone Willingham...yeah right, not gonna happen.

One last sleeper pick I have to bring up would have to be Jay Paterno. Yes, THAT Paterno. Jay has to know that when the legend that is his father Joe Paterno retires, he's not going to get the Penn State job. He's been mentioned on a few rumor sites as being interested in the Toledo job so why not just kind of re-route him 50 miles or so north to Ypsilanti? Why would he fit here? I don't know, in fact he might not fit at all but with a name like Paterno...he's gotta know something about the game? I mean, even the Bowden boys took over struggling programs and turned them around, maybe Paterno could do the same thing. I highly doubt he even looks once at EMU but still, you never know.

I've heard from sources near the program that this is going to be a quick search and that the EMU athletic department, teamed with Coach Carr, has a short list of candidates already. I of course will keep everyone updated as much as I can.

It's a sad day, but it's also a good day. The Genyk chapter is over, it's time to turn the page to the next one.

By the way...Central Michigan comes to Ypsilanti on Friday at noon. Tickets are free. In fact, I don't even think there's gonna be people at the gates. Bring your booze and wear warm clothes.

Genyk Out at Eastern

2008-11-24T11:05:00.001-05:00

Eastern Michigan Head Football Coach Jeff Genyk was fired this morning. More details and obituary later.

Ann Arbor News story here.

If I Could Write a Letter To...Tag Team Edition!

2008-11-03T21:28:00.011-05:00

Our other contributor here at Tobacco Juice Sports, Sarahvan, decided to help out today with the letters. She's the one in italics...because italics looks girly and well...she's a girl.

Dear Michigan Football,
Welcome to the world of mediocrity! 6-6 doesn’t sound too bad about now does it? Look on the bright side, now you can just focus on recruiting instead of preparing for that pesky bowl game.
Love,
Indiana, Illinois, Arizona, Iowa, Kentucky, Ole Miss, Syracuse, etc…. and the MAC

Dear Tom Amstutz,
Congrats big boy. Way to figure out a way to get your money with even less responsibility. Honestly, how much did you really do? You wouldn’t even walk to the press conference after a football game. Made the reporters come to you in front of the locker room. Because walking 60 yards in the other direction would just be too much to ask from you. Yeah, you beat Michigan…but so has everyone else. You talked about how you wanted to just stare at the scoreboard after the game. But were you really looking at that or mustering up the energy to make the trek through the tunnel? And come on, you had a guy catch 20 passes in that game…Not something that happens every day. You were lucky at the Big House. So now you are “reassigned” within the Toledo athletic department. Yeah, the alumni office. So you will just be asking people to donate money…while reminding them that YOU beat Michigan in the Big House. But I guess I shouldn’t be mad about all this…I should really be commending you on beating the system here. No messy divorce…both sides wanted out. Now, if you could do me a favor and give someone else a call about leaving gracefully. Here is the number 734-…..
Yours Truly, Sarah

Dear Undecided Voters,
Hi there. Sorry to pull you away from all that meth you’re cooking or World of Warcraft you’re playing but I just wanted to remind you that tomorrow is the day we as Americans vote for president, senators, local stuff, you know, we make democracy work tomorrow. For some reason, you’ve been in a shell for the last ohhh…9 months to a year and have no idea what is going on with any of the candidates. To boil it down into simple terms for you, we’ve got the white dude, and the black dude running against each other for President. The white dude is pretty cool but he’s really old and probably not make it through a 4 year term (yes the president is president for 4 years and if he’s good he gets another 4) but that wouldn’t be too bad considering that his running mate is pretty hot. Yeah, she’s a girl. You know what a girl is right Warcraft guy? The black dude is pretty cool too but he had this thing where his pastor was a total wackjob and that scared some people off, but he was born in Hawaii so that’s better than nothing right? Either way, since you’re an undecided voter and you haven’t read or heard anything about anyone in any election, do us all a favor…just stay home. Cook your meth, play your gay little game, and act like it’s just any other day. Just try not to blow yourself up or anything in the process. Idiots.
How hard is it to read a fuckin newspaper?
Cole

Dear Bud Selig So let’s see, you get two teams in the World Series that you don’t want. Your solution is to postpone the clinching game for two days. Good one. At least you got everyone talking…even though all that talk was about your incompetency. But it was fun getting to relive the All-Star game that ended in a tie. Ah, the good old days.

Dear Allen Iverson and Joe Dumars,
Let me start this letter off by asking you both a question. You do know that both of your careers are on the line now right? Joe, listen man, growing up you were my favorite Piston, well, besides Laimbeer but you were right up there. You just traded the best thing that happened to the Pistons since you found a guy named Ben Wallace from Virginia Commonwealth. Chauncey Billups was the heart and soul of every Piston team he played on and you just sent him back to Denver for a guy who’s never won a championship and historically is not exactly considered a “Team Player.” Maybe he’s changed, I don’t know. Why not trade Rip instead? You are really taking a risk here Joe. As for you AI…welcome to Detroit! Don’t fuck it up. Honestly dude, I think you are a great player that in your younger years, was a dumbass. You can admit that can’t you? You’re what like 30 something now? In fact, I’ll tell you what, if you can drop 25 points with some dimes to Rip here and there every night and at least attempt to play hard assed defense, while not reverting to Philly AI, you’ll be my favorite Piston and you might just help win the whole damn thing this year. I mean, not that I’ll watch any of it until the playoffs anyway, but it’s still nice to read the paper and see that the Stones are still playing well. Just remember Joe and AI…if this experiment fails…well just don’t let it fail.
Sincerely,
Cole

Memo to all THOSE girls
I know that you are all sitting around right now, just bummed about the fact that Halloween is gone. Gotta wait another year now to be excused for wearing nothing out to a party and being celebrated for it. You had the costume idea like two months ago and spent way too much money on that little piece of lingerie and bunny ears…but who cares. You got drunk (while someone else paid) and had people grab your ass all night…and you felt good about yourself for that. Congrats. And then you just HAD to put those pictures up on facebook. As soon as you got home…you were still a little drunk posting them. And then, once you sobered up (of course) you went through ALL the pics to find the best one of yourself. You know, that one where your rolls aren’t so prominent. And your eyes aren’t halfway closed because you are just so hammered from all the red bull and vodka you have been slamming all night…that picture! Now crop it and put it up on facebook for the whole world to see how good you looked the other night…and just wait for all those great wall postings complimenting your outfit. Now you have to wait another year for this enjoyment again, while the rest of it will be forced to relive your Halloween until you do something along the same lines for New Years.
No Really You Look Great,
Sarah

Dear Dante Culpepper,
Seriously? What do you really have to prove by signing with the Lions? They’re what 0-9 now? You are not at all the missing link between them and a playoff berth. You MIGHT help them win A game. You have no idea the quagmire you’re setting foot in. I guarantee you that before it’s over, you’re gonna wish you stayed retired. They aren’t called the laughingstock of the league for nothing. Even you, Dante, are not good enough to save this franchise. Why you and not Drew Stanton? Is Millen secretly still calling the shots because this is something he would do.
Damnit!
Cole

Dear overzealous college sports fans,
As you sit there hitting refresh on your forum page to see if someone makes a comment to your comment, ask yourself something…What are you doing? I mean, honestly. You are basing your life, mood, habits, rituals, etc on 18-22 year old kids. These kids don’t care about you…they care about finding new ways to get more financial aid, more gear or more food. They don’t care that you just spent half your paycheck scalping tickets and paying for that parking pass for the game. They only care that they get their per diem money at the end of the game. Sure, there are a few who care about the game and how they perform, but these student athletes are only thinking about themselves. So I am here to help you realize that you need to move on…become a healthy fan. Only post on the forums 10 times a day. Stop emailing Jim Rome 47 times a day when 30 will suffice. Scale back to three blogs about your team. Maybe show up for work on time…baby steps.
Time to grow up boys,
Sarah

Dear Slutty Looking Halloween Girl,
Don’t listen to her, she has no idea what she’s talking about. I think you look great as a…you know what, it doesn’t matter what your costume is, lemme buy you a drink. So you wanna like, make out or something later?
See you on New Years, St. Patrick’s Day, 4th of July, or at random football games around the nation!
Love,
Us Guys

The World's Greatest Chants

2008-10-29T07:03:00.004-04:00

After a 16 ounce Red Bull and a 24 oz Speedway Coffee, a guy can get some pretty crazy ideas.

This is one of those ideas.

One of my favorite things in all of sport is the Chant. After much discussion this morning with Patterson and McLovin (AKA Jake the DFO) I've decided that the love of the chant must be split into categories and shared with the world.

We'll start with one of my favorites, the "X Team Sucks" Chant. This chant can be used at any sporting event provided your team is not team X and that your team is in the process of beating Team X's ass. One exception is a "Team Z" chant in which Team X and Team Y both equally hate Team Z.

Next we will examine the great College Hockey Chants. College Hockey Chants are usually yelled out in small arenas that tend to be really loud. College hockey fans are typically drunken students who like to combine the violence of hockey with the fun of yelling random shit with a bunch of other drunks. I like to believe that college hockey fans are America's version of the soccer hooligan.

It is well documented that I hate soccer. But soccer chants are just like college hockey chants except there's no real words. Just really loud drunken humming.

The "School Spirit" Chant. It's pretty self explanatory.

The "Totally Unecessary, but Completely Relevant Cursing" Chant. Hated by the administration, loved, adored, and cherished by the student population. Very controversial but deep down, enjoyed by everyone except the fanatical Christian front.

And finally, my personal favorite the, "Hey! You Suck!" Chant. This is the kind of chant that you can hum to yourself while walking around the office or through the hallways of your school. It always brings a smile to my face. Can even be done A Capella.

There. That ought to help you kill some time.

If I Could Write A Letter To...

2008-10-28T14:04:00.006-04:00

Dear Major League Baseball,
Wooooooow. You cancelled a World Series game in the bottom of the 6th inning. Normally, I'm fine with it but c'mon...IT'S THE WORLD SERIES! It might be worth waiting out the rain and finishing the game around 2am. I'm sure the Phans in Philly wouldn't mind a whole hell of a lot. They were going to be partying until at least 4am anyway. I'm just happy your shit for brains commissioner didn't call it a tie. Oh and a quick side note...is anyone outside of Philly and Tampa actually watching this? The only reason anyone else is watching is because nothing else is on. Poor effort MLB. Poor Effort.
Cole
Dear NHL,
It's time to ready the attack against the NBA.
Signed,
Cole

Dear Tyrone Willingham,
I just wanted to say that I have been a big fan of yours since you won the PAC-10 with Stanford (yeah, Stanford) before you took over Notre Dame. I personally believe you got hosed in South Bend and was run off by the administration. When you got the job at Washington, I thought the Huskies were instantly three to four years away from being a program that matters again. Well...I was wrong. BUT I want to congratulate you on not having an ego bigger than the game. I believe that stepping down was the classy and responsible thing to do and wish you nothing but the best in the future. Coaches always talk about accountability and responsibility, you held yourself personally responsible and accountable for the failures of your program and for that I have nothing but respect. If only other perennially failing head coaches would follow your lead...
Cole

Dear Pandora.Com,
You are far and away the greatest Internet invention this side of facebook.
Love,
Cole

Dear NBA,
Tonight is opening night. I will not be watching. Tell dipshit David Stern that his product is on the verge of a ratings collapse due to poor entertainment value and lack of team play. Why do you think college hoops is more adored than you? Get over yourself NBA.
HERE COMES THE NHL!
Cole

Dear Grass Lake Football,
Beat Potterville's ass this week so I can come watch you next week.
Love,
Cole

Dear Mixed Martial Arts,
Ha, ya'll gave it a hell of a run eh? You banked on a guy who lived on the street and a hot chick to carry an entire "league" on NBC (or CBS or whatever it was, who cares), what did you expect? Yeah, I know you're a tough sport and everything but you're starting to take yourself a little too seriously. You need to go back to your roots and just put two crazy assholes in a cage and watch them beat the living dogshit out of each other, then mop the mat up and have two more crazy assholes beat the dogshit out of each other. Rinse, Wash, Repeat. The basic building blocks of success. Nobody cares about the lifestories of the crazy assholes, we just want to see crazy assholes be crazy assholes.
Crazy Assholes,
Cole

Dear Dante Culpepper,
Dude, signing a free agent contract with the Detroit Lions would be career suicide.
Yes, I know you're already retired.
Cole

Dear Readers,
It's good to be back.
Love,
Cole

I Have a Sports Blog. Wait....What???

2008-10-26T08:54:00.012-04:00

First of all, I just wanna say....

Ok ok ok, let me start off apologizing for not at least explaining my abrupt leave of absence from this blog read by a little less than a dozen people worldwide. I'll keep it vague because the details are mildly boring. The reason I haven't written in about 4 months is because I have been working with the football team at Eastern Michigan University as defensive quality control, which is a fancy name for "Otter's Assistant" and/or "the guy who breaks down all the film and tends to fall asleep on the job." Either one will work. So that's the reason I have been gone for so long and for the 7 people that noticed, I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. Now...what did I miss?

Oh right, the greatest disappointment in the history of baseball. The 2008 Detroit Tigers. I'm not going to hit on this too hard because I watched exactly 2/3 of an inning of baseball from August till the end of the season and talking about it after not seeing it would be a slight ethical dilemma for me. I do know this, all summer long I told everyone I talked to about it that they still have a shot, that this team had all the firepower they needed to still make a run late. Well, that run never came and they folded like a cheap wallet in late August.

So of course, the question must be asked. Who's to blame here? I don't have the answer to that, BUT I can tell you who's NOT to blame.

It's not Leyland's fault. Now, when I say this, you all must understand that I would support Jim Leyland no matter what he does. He could go to Mott's Children Hospital and punch babies on the weekends, or go to the pound and kick small puppies and I would still say, "hey, he's still doing a good job." Much like the way I feel about Joe Paterno. He cannot do anything wrong. These guys are essentially the Pope.

It's not Cabrera's fault. The guy lead the American League in home runs in a ballpark that's only slightly smaller than Metro Airport. You can't blame him at all and for all you assholes that said he was overrated, fat, and lazy can shut your goddamned pieholes. He's not overrated.

It's not Inge's fault. What do you want from this guy? Dombrowski trades for a hot young third baseman and leave's Brandon out to dry and he kept on playing. They moved the youngster to first and Guillen to third, he kept on playing. They traded Pudge for Kyle Farnsworth (still the "Ok, I surrender" move of the season) and he went back to playing catcher. Anyone who can deal with that sort of nonsense deserves exactly zero percent of the blame. Also, isn't it weird that we have one of the best third basemen in the league playing behind the dish instead of at the corner? I'm just saying.

It's not Jonesy's fault. He was borderline lights out earlier in the year when he was actually put into save situations. Now he's out of baseball and we have Captain Gasoline Fernando Fucking Rodney as our closer until Zumaya gets healthy which should be sometime in 2015 or so when he makes his first comeback attempt. For some reason, as much as I hated watching Todd Jones, he sure was fun to watch. I hope he enjoys his retirement and reads this and gets me a job at the Sporting News.

It's not Dombrowski's fault...YET. Dombrowski had the go ahead from the Illitch's to make a big move this past off season and that's what he did bringing in a big time hitter and a pitcher who's control has fallen directly off the face of the Earth. Andrew Miller and Cameron Maybin were the future of the franchise here in Detroit and we just kind of mortgaged the future to win now. If for some reason Dontrelle doesn't return to form (or at least get back to being a capable starter here and there) then we can put the blame on Dombrowski. As soon as Maybin and Miller make their first All Star team together, or win their first NLDS with the Marlins next season (yeah, I'm calling it) that's when we look at Dombrowski and say, "What the hell was THAT Dave?"

OK, enough with the Tigers it's pissing me off. In fact, that is the last mention of the Tigers in 2008. The topic of the Tigers is grounded until January 1st, 2009.

Let's talk instead about a topic that will REALLY piss me off. As a life long Michigan fan, I am disappointed with the team's lack of winning this season. Who wouldn't be? They lost to State at home yesterday but oddly enough, I'm ok with it. I believe in RichRod and once he and his guys get used to each other and he gets his players in, everything will be full systems go in Ann Arbor. I'm not at all pissed off about Michigan. Eastern however is another story...

I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday after a 22 point drubbing from Ball State (who WILL NOT lose this season, yeah, they're that good) and we got around to talking about the losing culture of Eastern Michigan Football. Eastern has not had a winning season since 1995. That's 13 straight seasons of losing more games than you've won. First of all, how is that even possible? How is it possible for such mediocrity to take over an entire university. When did losing become an OK thing to do? The guys play their asses off every week...

(I had a lot of other stuff typed in this area but decided it was a bad idea to publish it right now so here's a picture of Elisha Cuthbert instead.)

(Oh, and here's another picture that Patterson gave me and told me to put on here)

We were at Ball State yesterday. They're #20 in the nation right now and they have a head coach who is also their defensive coordinator. He jumps around during a game, he hugs his guys after big plays, he gets after his players in a constructive way when they make mistakes, hell, Hoke even SIGNALS the plays himself. Bill Cubit, the head coach at Western Michigan, calls the offensive plays from the sideline. Not as excitable as Brady Hoke, but still a fired up guy who loves his players. Butch Jones at Central, extremely excitable guy...calls his own plays. There are two common denominators here, these three head coaches call their own plays yes, but these three head coaches are absolutely adored by their players and they routinely win year after year after year. Coincidence?

Nope.

End Of An Era

2008-07-30T18:02:00.004-04:00

Pudge just got traded to the Yankees (yes, the FUCKING YANKEES) for Kyle Farnsworth.

I just read about it five seconds ago and don't have a whole lot of time to write about it right now. More on this and other stuff later.

I'm kind of sad right now not gonna lie.

We traded a first ballot hall of famer...

For a guy who is still in the league because he's been in some pretty sweet fights...

Great.

If I Could Write a Letter To...

2008-07-14T12:12:00.005-04:00

Dear America,
How am I the only person outraged by this story about the Greenwich, Connecticut teenagers who built a Wiffle Ball stadium and pissed off a bunch of snobby ass rich people? What kind of country are we living in now days? Some kids build a wall and throw some bases down to play wiffle ball and everyone reacts as if they built a freakin meth lab or something. And what's worse is the fact that lawyers are getting involved now. The kids have lawyered up, the town has lawyered up, the snobby ass rich people have also gotten their lawyer friends invovled, the whole thing is just turning into an absolute shitshow. I realize that the kids probably should have built it say, in their yard or something as opposed to a public place but at the same time, wouldn't the town be kind of happy to see something like that? If the town of Grass Lake built a wiffle ball "stadium" like that, I would personally be thrilled to the point of staging an all night wiffle ball marathon tournament. I know the city of Greenwich is kind of in a tough spot as some dude broke his leg in a public park, sued the city and won millions of dollars in a settlement, but that doesn't mean that they have to wrap the entire town in bubble wrap so nobody will get a boo-boo. They're kids, if they get hurt, it's no big deal. Like my Dad once said, "No balls, no babies." It's time to let your balls drop America and quit being such a pussy about everything.
LET THEM PLAY!
Cole

Dear Billy Packer,
I have to say this, you've never been one of my favorites. You have been announcing the NCAA Tournament for something along the lines of 28 years and CBS has finally cut ties with you. Will I miss your nonsensical ramblings during the games you're involved in? Probably. Will I miss the bitching and moaning you did before, during, and after the tournament? Probably not. The good news for you is that ESPN will probably hire you because well, the World Wide Leader is all about ratings and crazy old men going on rants about this and that usually equal great ratings. Clark Kellog is going to take your spot with Jim Nantz or whoever for the tournament. Talk about a bad trade...
Keep your head up Billy,
Cole

Dear Tigers Fans,
The All Star Break is here. The Tigers are sitting at .500 on the year after being as many as 12 games under that mark earlier in the year. As I have said before, if the Tigers are at .500 at the break, everything could probably be all right. The only problem is that Chicago is still 7 games ahead. That means that over the course of the rest of the season, the Tigers need to win every time the Sox lose. The only way the Tigers make the playoffs this season is if they win the Division. Keep the faith everybody. It'll take quite a run to make it, but it's a run this team is capable of making.
Keep the faith,
Cole

Dear Detroit Tigers,
You need to make a run here and it needs to happen sooner than later. Here is how you can do it. First of all, you need to trade Edgar Renteria, a prospect (NOT MATT JOYCE) and whoever else you can find for a different shortstop or another starting pitcher (Erik Bedard from Seattle maybe?). If you can't get a better shortstop, you need to put Carlos back at short where he was decent and put Inge back at third. I know it would be difficult to pull that off, but it would be nice to have that side of the infield back the way it was. I hate to say i told you so about Renteria. It was just a bad idea. Has he done some good things? Yes. Is he capable of producing big numbers the rest of the year? Not in the way you need him to. I never thought I would say this, but Omar Infante would be nice to see at the shortstop position again. Speaking of lack of production, was I the only one who noticed how well the Tigers played with Sheff on the DL and out of the lineup? Doesn't that kind of jump off the page at you? Don't get me wrong, I really like Sheff and want to see him do well, but it's just not happening anymore. It's time to put the dog down. As for everything else, keep the gritty white guy trio of Clete, Joyce, Larish, and Rayburn around as long as possible. Their Blue Collar style of play is a breath of fresh air for this team that seemed removed from how Detroit fans expect their guys to play. Gritty, hardworking, playing to win on every play. I love it, don't change it. Keep playin ball guys, everything will work itself out how it is supposed to.
Love,
Cole

Dear Matt Joyce,
Congratulations on being the official Tiger of Tobacco Juice Sports! Hopefully you won't soon be the official Mud Hen of Tobacco Juice Sports.
Don't Go a Changin,
Cole

Dear Detroit Lions,
Do you believe in Now? That's the worst slogan I've ever heard for a season ticket blitz before the season. Anything else would have been better. Hell, "Come watch us not suck as much as usual" would be better than what you have now. Use your heads you fuckin morons.
Cole

Dear Brett Favre,
Brett, dude, you're my favorite football player of all time. That being said, I don't think watching you play with any other team would be worth my time of effort. Unless it was with the Lions. Stay retired Brett. Just, just stay retired.
Seriously,
Cole

Tigers Live(ish) Blog

2008-07-10T13:06:00.006-04:00

I was going to write up a Ball State football preview but then I realized that nobody that reads this blog gives a rat's ass about Ball State so I am stirring up different ideas instead. Probably a game by game preview of Eastern Michigan Football instead since all the other teams in the MAC are pretty much lame. Unless you, my dear readers, want a team by team preview, then I will in fact do that. Let me know eh?

Kenny on the bump for this matinee shot against the newly hated Minnesota Twins. I say newly hated because with as shitty as the Tribe is now (15 games back from the Pale Hosers and in the cellar of the Central, this makes me happy in the pants. Suck it Cleveland.) I just figured that I might as well hate on the team directly above the Tigers in the standings. Going into today, the Tigers are 7 games back from Chicago and 3.5 back from the Twins. Needless to say, this four game set going into the All Star break is beyond crucial. A sweep would put the Tigers up by half a game on the Twins, but I'm not at all expecting a sweep. Just play good. That's all I really want.

It's Christmas in July at the CoPa today which means the guys in the bullpen are wearing Santa Hats. Cute guys, cute. Rogers looks good after the top half of the first as he retires the side in order. Too early to get excited, but it could be a good day.

Kevin Slowey takes the hill for the Twins and he wins the prize for most unfortunate name for a pitcher I've seen this year. Grando does a hell of a job leading off as he flies out to Nick Punto (Punto is the Spanish word for Whore, just wanted to say it) just beyond the infield dirt. Punto getting some early work in today as Polanco, fresh off his swearing in as an American citizen, grounds out to short. Guillen earns a walk and Cabrera grounds out to second to end the inning.

Last night I started watching the game against the Tribe as it started at 7. Bonine pitched like he had never seen a baseball before (he is now playing for AA Erie after consecutive train wreck outings) and the Tribe jumped out to a quick 6-0 lead. Naturally, I turned off the game and went about my business which involved, well...nothing really but I just couldn't bear to watch the blowout to the worst team in the division. I get a text at about 9:30 or so from Twatty that reads "FUCK YEAH!!" and I immediately turn to the game where the Tigers have tied it up with one out in the 7th. Sensing that big things were happening, I continue to watch the game only to see the routine 6-4-3 double play happen 30 seconds into my viewing. It was at that moment where I text Twatty back and tell him that I'm a jinx and will not watch the rest of the game. Of course, the rest is history now as Miggy hits an absolute LASER to the Tigers bullpen to win the game and sweep the two game set against Cleveland. Now, had I kept watching the game, I'm not sure it would have happened. Sometimes you just have to know when to turn the game off, especially if the second you join in, something bad happens. Masten used to always tell me I was a jinx. Sometimes I think he's right.

Marcus Thames is in the lineup today. Marcus is an every day player for any other team in the league not named the Red Sox and yet, the Tigers still cling to the myth that Gary Sheffield still has it. It baffles the mind sometimes. Sure enough Marcus stays productive as I type this and hits a bloop single into left. Just as any thoughts of a possible run creep into my thoughts, recent call up Jeff Larish hits a shot down to first where Justin Morneau makes a great play, steps on first, fires to second where Punto (remember, Spanish for whore) apparently tags Marcus out for the unconventional double play. Inning over and it's time for a microwaved hot dog and glass of water for lunch. Much more to come...

What the hell just happened? A guy leaves for a minute to microwave a hotdog, comes back and it's suddenly 2-0 Twins. Looking back on MLB Gameday, Rogers gave up a lead off double, then a triple, and then a single which results in a score of 2-0. Sonofabitch. Luckily as I sit down the Tigers settle down and get out of the inning without any more problems. I am really starting to dislike Minnesota.

I just saw a Detroit Lions commercial that almost made me shoot hot dog out of my nose. "Do you believe in NOW?" Honestly? No, I do not believe in NOW. Speaking of horrible. Rod and Mario were just joined in the booth by Santa Paws. And Mario asks Paws a question. MASCOTS DON'T TALK!! BAD INTERVIEW!! Mario quickly redeems himself as he says, "That's the best two minutes in Detroit television history right there." That is why we have the best commentating team in the business, they know when they are being retarded and make fun of themselves for it.

Pudge strikes out looking and is probably going to be kicked out of the game at some point today after a long stare and probably cursing at the home plate umpire. Yeah, he's for sure going to get booted, just give it time.

You know what I love about warm day games in Detroit? The dirty downriver trash comes out in droves. This usually means that the overweight girls with skinny boyfriends are at the ball park and are typically all over the TV screen. There is nothing sexier than a girl in a tanktop with the fat overlapping the straps. Hawwwwwt.

Santiago (great to see him back in the Olde English D) draws a walk on a questionable 3-2 pitch and Granderson follows that up with a double into the left-center field gap which in turn scores Ramon. Polanco kills the rally with a pop out to Punto. HIT THE BALL ON THE GROUND!! Guillen up with two out and a runner in scoring position and as you would expect the Tigers' lone All Star representative to do, he...grounds out to second to end the inning. That'll happen. Comerica Bank believes in you, your future, your business. I hate that commercial. Chris Shelton is still Steve Yzerman's Tiger.

Morneau leads off the top of the 4th with a double down the right field line. Kenny is starting to piss me off. That and the guy takes for freakin ever to pitch a game. Watching Kenny Rogers pitch in person is like watching a grammar jamboree live but with less excitement. My favorite Ex-Tiger in the world Craig Monroe hammers a line drive right at Santiago at short for the first out then Delmon Young (was it Delmon or Delwyn that threw the bat at the ump?) grounds out to first, moving Morneau to third. Harris grounds out to Santiago to strand the runner at third. As much as I hate watching Kenny pitch, I have to say that he is good at what he does.

Great commercial by Casino Windsor, sorry, Caesar's Windsor, featuring a hot blonde chick in lingerie on a bed after you won big at the tables. So you're saying if I win 50 bucks Canadian playing blackjack that I'll automatically get a hot blonde chick waiting for me in my room? That's awesome.

Bottom of the fourth, one away after Cabrera can of corned out to right, Matt Joyce steps in. I have to say, I love what the Tigers are doing with these gritty white dudes from Toledo. I especially love it right now as Matt Joyce hits a freaking BOMB into the right field bleachers to tie the game. Joyce has 7 homers this season in sporadic playing time at the Major League level. Matt Joyce is campaigning very hard to be the official Tiger of Tobacco Juice Sports. Thames up next and hits to monster foul balls to left then hits a hot shot at Punto who then throws the ball into the fifth row behind first putting Thames at second with gritty white dude Jeff Larish at the plate. Larish is batting .195 with one homer this season in the majors, now he's batting close to .200 as he singles into right center and picks up his 8th big league RBI as Thames scores without a throw. Tigers take the lead. Larish is batting .368 with runners on base and .048 with the bases empty, and that is GREAT STAT WORK by the guys in the Fox Sports Detroit truck. Pudge comes to the plate and promptly goes down 0-2, fouls off one, then lines into right for another base hit. Santiago hits one out to the wall for a 2 run double and I almost kind of hope that Renteria is going to the 15 day DL so Ramon can stay in the lineup. Slowey is um slowly losing it out there on the mound and can't find the plate yet against Granderson. Curtis has swung at and fouled off ball four three times in this at bat and then grounds out to Punto for the second out. Polanco bails out Grando by blooping a single into center to score Santiago and give the Tigers 5 runs thus far in the bottom of the fourth. Guillen keeps the train rolling with a single down the first baseline and just like that, here comes Rod Gardenhire to end Slowey's day which is too bad, I really liked it when he was pitching. Wallside Windows can do that, they are the factory.

New pitcher for the Twins is Craig Breslow. In 19 games, opponents are batting just .197 against him. The first thing he does is throw over to first, Guillen isn't going anywhere dipshit just pitch to Cabrera. He does and Miguel hits a towering fly ball to right which is....caught in overly dramatic fashion on the warning track to end the inning. 5 run 4th for the Tigers and a 4 run lead going into the fifth. Let's take an inning off...my fingers hurt.

Ok, a lot happened in the fifth inning but at the same time nothing happened. Larish threw Punto out at the plate (oh and by the way, Punto is NOT the Spanish word for whore, Puto or Puta is, my bad) and Pudge gunned a guy out stealing third to get Kenny out of a jam. In the bottom half the Tigers loaded the bases but didn't score. Like I said, a lot happened, but nothing really happened.

There is a debate brewing between some broad and I about what a person should do after catching a home run from an opposing team. I automatically go with the tradition of throwing that bitch back to discourage any more opposing home run balls from making it to the stands. She on the other hand swears that she would keep it as a souvenir which is absolutely absurd to me. I realize that catching a home run is usually a once in a lifetime chance and that it would be really cool to do that. However, there are only a few reasons to keep a home run ball hit to you. Keep the homer ball if it is hit by your team, if it is a milestone home run ball, or if the player who hit said home run was your favorite player on the opposing team. Any and all other home run balls hit by slapasses from opposing teams are to be returned to the field of play no longer than 45 seconds after you gain control of the ball. This should give you plenty of time to look at the ball, admire the stitching, spit on Selig's signature, and throw it as far as you can back onto the field. We were at the game Tuesday night debating this as some jerkoff from Cleveland hit a home run about a section over from our seats in the left field pavillion. The guy who caught the ball admired it for a brief minute and launched it back onto the field. The Tribe didn't score again for the rest of the game. It's about positive mojo more than anything. Trust me, I'm right. Throw it back!!

Meanwhile at Comerica Park...Some guy named Jesse Crain is on the hill now for Minnesota and quickly produces two deep fly ball outs from Polanco and Guillen. Cabrera is up and Mario tells his viewers that Miguel is 9th in the AL in RBI with 56, news that quite literally surprises the shit out of me with as inept he has seemed at times this season. 56 RBI is impressive at this stage of the year. What's not impressive to me is the 0-4 performance from him today as he pops out to Morneau. I think that all this talk about Miggy getting his swing back may be a bit premature. He's had a good 5 games but is looking borderline terrible at the plate today.

Top of the 7th and Kenny is still pitching. Apparently the bullpen needs a blow today and Leyland is going to let the Gambler eat up some innings. As I type this my heart drops as they show Fernando Rodney warming up in the bullpen. How is this guy still a major league pitcher? A four run lead is not safe when you got that meatsip warming up in the pen. Kenny allows a lead off single, walks the next batter and now the Twins have two men on with nobody out in the 7th. Kenny does well however getting a double play ball to short, unfortunately Gomez is retardedly fast out of the box and beats out the throw. Runners on the corners and Kenny gets a fly ball to left which scores Punto (again, his name does NOT mean whore). Two away and an awkward pause as the FSD camera goes directly to Leyland whom they expect to take Rogers out of the game. Leyland stands pat, Rogers gets a ground ball, and the inning is over with minimal damage. The Tigers either need to score a lot of runs in the bottom half of the seventh, or they need to pray for a miracle as it appears Kenny's day is done and Fernando Fucking Rodney is warming up.

Scoring a bunch of runs doesn't look very likely as Joyce stirkes out and Thames grounds out for two quick outs. Larish comes to the plate and like the gritty white dude he is ropes a shot down the left field line that bounces into the stands for half of a home run. Pudge now with a runner in scoring position goes down 0-2 as usual and then bounces out to the pitcher. They go to commercial without telling us which pitcher is coming out. I should probably put a dip in now...

Oh great. FFR (Fernando Fucking Rodney) takes the hill to face the heart of the Twins order. This could get messy. Morneau is up and is 3 for 3 on the day with a double as he continues his ownage of Tigers pitching. FFR throws his 1-1 pitch directly to the backstop and on the 2-1 pitch serves up a rocketball to the centerfield wall that appears to maybe be a home run. The replay shows that it was indeed off the yellow line but MLB has yet to install replay so it's a meeting of the minds out there now. After a brief debate, the men in blue shirts decide to keep it as its called on the field and Morneau stays at second with his second double of the day. For some reason Rod Allen swears that FFR is one of the best in the game. I usually don't disagree with Rod Allen, but in this case he could not be more wrong. To his credit though, FFR did just get Monroe to ground out to first but the runner is now on third with 1 out. Ground ball to Guillen at third scores the run and we have a two run ball game. Rodney just threw another pitch to the backstop. If he was any good, that would be considered quirky, problem is he sucks, so it's just an example of being a bad major league pitcher. 22 pitches later, FFR is out of the 8th inning allowing one run. Bottom of the 8th coming up...can we please get some insurance runs here? I'm not liking this situation.

Tigers go down in order in the bottom of the 8th after two ugly strikeouts and a ground out. It's in Jonesy's hands now.

Todd Jones comes into the game to the sounds of "Last One Standing" by the Christian rock group MercyMe. It's a catchy tune for those that appreciate the whole Christian Rock thing. I would personally say Red Hot Chili Peppers "Rollercoaster" would be better for him but to each his own. Jonesy is about to blow another save. He allows the first batter on base with a single then the next guy hits a routine single that turns into a triple after Joyce misplays it and it rolls to the wall. Tiger killer, Joe Mauer is the new batter for the Twins who are a fly ball away from tying the game in the 9th. Sure as shit, Mauer flies out to Clete Thomas in left and the Twins tie it up. I know it's on Jones, but I'm still kind of blaming FFR for this one. And like he usually does, Jones can't get the third out on the first try. Oh and good news everyone Justin Morneau is coming to the plate. Jonesy gets yanked from the game by Leyland. Um...what? Thats got to be kind of a "Fuck You" to Todd Jones from the Tigers skipper. Bobby Seay is coming into the game. Happy is not a word I would use to describe myself right now. I can't watch the rest of this inning...

Ok, I turned the channel really quick to King of the Hill then turned back hoping that it was over now. It's not. Seay let Morneau on base and now it's Freddy Dolsi who should have been in the game instead of FFR in the 8th. Instead Dolsi comes in with runners on first and second and two away with Mike Lamb up for the Twins. I want to say right now before he possibly blows it, Freddy Dolsi is a good, young pitcher. He almost blew it. Placido Polanco makes a WebGem and gets Lamb out at first to end the inning and keep the score tied going into the bottom of the 9th.

Bottom of the 9th now and it's gonna be all star Joe Nathan facing Carlos Guillen, Cabrera, and Joyce. Nathan quickly falls behind 3-0 to Carlos and then gets a gift strike call from the home plate umpire. Carlos earns himself a walk and winning run is on with Miguel Cabrera at the plate. No way does he walk off two games in a row, I'm just saying. Nathan goes down 2-0 to Miggy who, as I have mentioned before is 0-4 on the day and not looking pretty doing it. Guillen steals second and now with a 2-2 count and nobody out, Cabrera is a single away from winning the game for Detroit, but as I just said, no way does he do it twice in a row. Cabrera walks and now its up to gritty white dude Matt Joyce who could make up for his blunder with one swing of the bat. And suddenly my mojo is ruined as the girl roomate is suddenly thinking that getting Dish Network along with Comcast and the creepy fuckin Dish Network guy is now down in my room and generally pissing me right the fuck off. How bout some warning there LE? At least let me clean my room before you have some random dude in here hooking up your goddamned Dish Network. In the mean time, Joyce pops out and now there is one out with runners on first and second and Clete Thomas, yet another gritty white dude, comes up to the plate. WILD PITCH! The runners move up and the winning run is a mere 30 yards away from the plate. Four pitches high and wide and it'll be up to Matt Larish to win the game for the Tigers. One out, bases loaded and I'm hoping against hope that a ground ball doesn't happen. I'm pretty sure the small ball loving Ben Hamilton, head coach of the State Champion Grass Lake Warriors would call for the squeeze here. Jim Leyland won't though as Larish takes strike one on the outside corner. Larish uncorks a swing but sends it into the upper deck seats behind the plate. Larish swings again and strikes out. Two away with Pudge coming up and the bases juiced. Something tells me that bonus baseball may be on the way... High and tight fastball that if Pudge steps into, the game is over. He decides to be a candy ass and backs out of the way. What happened to taking one for the team with the bases loaded? In his defense though, that pitch was a 95 mph fastball and would have probably hit him in the face. I would have backed out too. Weird, Pudge strikes out with the bases loaded on a pitch that was clearly around the fucking eyes. SONOFABITCH!!

Bonus baseball headed our way. Oh and by the way, I absolutely HATE the commercial with all the kids singing that stupid ass "Let it Shine" song for the Cornerstone private school system. SHUT UP YOU LITTLE BRATS AND GO TO A PUBLIC SCHOOL!

Dolsi gets the first two out, walks Punto, Span singles and now it's Joe Mauer with runners on the corners. Great. After Dolsi gets hosed on a couple of close ones, Mauer walks and now it's Dolsi versus Casilla with two out in the top of the tenth. Dolsi gets Casilla to ground out to Placido and the Twins leave the bases loaded just like the Tigers did which makes me feel mildly better but still quite pissed off. The Tigers were up 6-2 at one point in this game and they've let these assholes from Minnesota back into the game and are playing more baseball than they needed to to put them away. Who's to blame for this? The man that started the bad mojo, Fernando F-ing Rodney.

Bottom of the 10th now and this post is retardedly longer than I wanted it to be. And just as the Tigers come up to bat, creepy Dish Network Guy is back in my basement along with girl roommate. Santiago is up and works the count to full before grounding out to second. Granderson up now with one away. Mario Impemba is a guy who must really dig the longball because in any pressure situation he mentions how many homers a guy has on the year or off a certain pitcher which then causes the batter to ground out. Case in point is Granderson who just grounded out to second. Two away now and it's Placido Polanco up against some dude named Gurrier who is probably French so I don't like him. Polanco flies out and we get another inning of bonus baseball.

Top of 11 now and Dolsi is still on the bump for Detroit. Interesting strategy hopefully it works out. So far so good as he gets the lead off man to pop out in foul territory where Clete Thomas makes a great play and flips into the stands while doing it. Gritty. Justin Morneau is up, he's reached base every time he's stepped in the box today and he is now 5-5 as he gives the Twins the lead with a home run into the old bullpen area. Why not? Two singles, two doubles, a walk, and now a most likely game winning home run. Damnit. If I'm Jim Leyland, I go on a rant today win or lose. They played about 5 innings today and thought that it was enough. Gotta finish it fellas. That's bullshit and you know it.

Bottom of the 11th coming up with Guillen, Rayburn, and Joyce due up. Guillen starts it off by flying out to left. Rayburn now up after pinch running for Cabrera in the 9th and takes a pitiful hack at a 1-1 breaking ball then grounds out to short. Matt Joyce, who deserves some of the blame for this trainwreck, steps up to the plate, hammers a line drive into the gap for a double and the tying run is in scoring position. My hopes, however, are not up. Clete Thomas is the batter now and gets hosed with a high called strike. Nasty breaking pitch for strike two and strike three called, the game is over and I'm really pissed off.

DAMNIT

If I Could Write a Letter To...

2008-07-07T21:09:00.003-04:00

Dear A-Rod,
Ok, about this time last year you were caught red handed with a stripper who looked eerily similar to a young Jason Giambi which caused all sorts of uproar. Your wife (who is SMOKING hot by the way) forgave you and your wallet and everything was hunky dory for a while. Fast forward a year to present day New York. Now the rumors are flying that you're banging washed up and never really that hot anyway, Madonna. Madonna? Really? First of all, she's what like 50? Secondly, she's got about 19 different kids from 17 different countries. Thirdly, if she had as many stickin out of her as she's had stuck in her she'd look like a damn porcupine. Not a good look bud, not a good look. And another thing, the All Star Game is being played for the last time in Yankee Stadium and you're gonna douche out and not participate in the Home Run Derby? Way to prove my theory that you are more trouble than the bajillions of dollars you're worth. I'm so glad the Tigers didn't get you like my moron friends said they should. Rule #47 you're an asshole.
Sincerely, Cole

Dear Marian Hossa,
I would like to be the first to welcome you to the Detroit Metro Area. I cannot congratulate you enough on turning down the security of a long term deal to sign a possible one and done contract here in Detroit in hopes that you will have your name etched onto Lord Stanley's Cup. I must warn you in advance however, if you turn into one of those, "Me, Me, Me" guys a la Sergei Federov, I will not hesitate to publicly scorn you for the duration of the season and boo you every chance I get when you sign with an opposing team. You have been warned.
Welcome to Detroit!!
Cole

Dear Major League Baseball,
It's time to fix the All-Star Game again. Yeah, it was a nice gimmick to get the fans and players "excited" about the ASG by awarding the winning league home field advantage in the World Series the year after Selig declared a tie in Milwaukee. It was a nice gesture but is it really necessary now? Especially considering the AL's dominance of the game in recent years. When you really think about it, it's a big fat joke anyway. All the players are hungover and don't care if they win or lose even though they are told they have to care. And let's talk about player selection. I am all about the fans voting for the starters but is Jason Varitek really an all star batting .217 on the year? Joe Mauer is batting .325 with 37 RBI right now and he's not going to be starting in the All Star Game. Dioner Navarro, the backstop for the best team in the AL the Tampa Bay Not Devil Rays is hitting .317 with 33 RBI and he might not even make it on the team. Something is wrong here but then again, this is a democratic society and who am I to say that Red Sox fans are idiots? They're just doing what every team's fans do and voting for their guy right? There is not right answer, some guys are just gonna get screwed but there just has to be a better way of doing things. And quit trying to make us think that it really matters, we're not as stupid as we look when we're in the bleachers drunk off our asses and yelling at the right fielder about how hot his sister is and what not.
Trust me, I'm right.
Cole

Dear C.C. Sabathia,
I have to say, I am going to miss seeing the Tigers own your ass. Hopefully our paths will cross again. Try to take it easy on the bratwursts up there in Milwaukee. Your pants know what I'm talkin about.
Signed, Cole

Dear ESPN,
Thanks for trying to make Arena Football a viable option for your male viewers who are going through football withdrawls. I think your coverage is great. Now, I know that it's the summer and that baseball highlights are usually as about as exciting as watching flies make love, but your summer gimmicks that attempt to entice your viewers to watch more ESPN really need to go. Last year it was "Who's Now?" and I could write for days about how Goddamned awful that was. This year it is slightly more interesting but still lame as all hell with this "Titletown" crap. I'm telling you, if I were running your network, there would be some non sports loving hippies in Bristol Conneticut standing in the unemployment office. Stick to what made you, you ESPN.
Professional Rugby and the USFL.
Love, Cole

Dear WWE,
You used to be so cool...what happened to you?
Seriously.

Dear Readers,
Over the next couple weeks I will be doing the Mid American Conference Preview on TJS. I will do all I can not to be too biased in my opinions especially towards all of those shithead schools in Ohio. Wednesday will be Ball State.
Never Leave me, you're all I've got.
Cole

Oh Canada and General Silliness

2008-07-03T15:32:00.005-04:00

The complaints from you my dear readers, have not fallen on deaf ears. New job opportunities and a field trip to Canada are reasons for my lengthy absence and I do apologize even though excuses are like assholes, we've all go them, and they all stink.

What has happened during my slight vacation? Well, the Tigers are back to beating ass the way we all hoped they would have (other than dropping the last two games of the three game set to the Twins), the Wings drafted a goalie who will eventually be the best in the league, and then went out and signed Marian Freakin Hossa on the second day of free agency. The Pistons drafted another Ben Wallace clone in that kid from Indiana and then traded him for some douchebag guy who will probably never see the floor (I only say this because I don't know who the guy is), the Lions are getting ready to open camp and disappoint us all again in the fall, and Michigan unveiled new unis for football which are basically the same but different. Let's go ahead and hit these topics quickly and right down the line shall we?

As of this very second, the Tigers are sitting at 42-42 and are 7 games back of the division leading Pale Hosers from the Windy City. Just like I had previously hoped for, the Tigers won 12 of their 15 interleague games during that two week period which is great news. However, they didn't really gain a whole hell of a lot of ground standings wise which is somewhat disheartening. Good news is they are winning again but the bad news is the Sox are also winning a little too. The season is hardly close to being over and ground could be gained in a four game set with the absolutely awful Mariners this weekend. Three of four would be good but I would really like to see the Tigers take advantage of the M's ineptitude and sweep them in their Starbucks loving city. Friggin hippies. No wonder the Sonics left. In all seriousness though, the Tigers had a great month of June going 19-8 and losing only one series the entire month. I wouldn't have minded a 22-5 but really, you cannot complain with 19 wins in a month. The series in Seattle combined with the 6 game home stand before the All-Star break, is pretty crucial. Ten games from the break, the Tigers need to win at least 6 of these games to complete the first half of the year with any resemblance of success. Usually, any team a game or two above the .500 mark can consider themselves still well within striking distance of the playoffs. Verlander takes the bump tonight, Rogers tomorrow, Galarraga on Saturday and Robertson finishes off the series on Sunday. Could be good...could be bad. Keep the faith Tigers Nation, keep the faith.

Marian Hossa is now a Detroit Red Wing. Let me say that again, Marian Hossa now plays hockey for the Detroit team called the Red Wings. Illitch went into his pockets and signed one of the more underrated and unappreciated players in the game to a one year deal worth upwards of 7.5 million. How does this help the Wings? Hossa is a dynamic goal scorer and outstanding passer as well. He doesn't have the defensive skill set as Datsyuk or Zetterberg but he makes up for his defensive miscues with blazing speed. Hossa scored 43 goals along with 57 assists for 100 points in the 06-07 season, and had 92 points the season before that while playing for Atlanta. This season Hossa scored 66 points while playing for Atlanta and Pittsburgh while missing ten games with an injury. This season in the playoffs, Hossa netted 12 goals and helped on 14 others making him the Penguins second leading scorer in the playoffs behind Hockey Jesus himself, Sidney Crosby. Hossa will be just another weapon in the already outstanding Wings lineup. I would expect him to play on the second line with Franzen and any of the plethora of centermen the Wings have at their disposal. Another option is what I will call the video game option which would put him on the same line as Datsyuk and Zetterberg which would send Holmstrom down to the second line and Franzen to the third. A line featuring Pavel Datsyuk, Henrik Zetterberg, and Marian Freaking Hossa could possibly be the scariest line hockey has seen since the days of Hanson Brothers for the Charlestown Chiefs.

As for this goalie the Wings drafted...Let's be honest with ourselves here, Ozzie isn't getting any younger. Jimmy Howard will be slated in as Ozzie's backup this season and will see significant ice time. Jimmy is a good young goalie don't get me wrong, but I just for some reason don't see him as the future for the Red Wings. In steps Thomas McCollum. McCollum is said to be the next Ed Belfour. He is 6'2 205 lbs which makes me think he is the next Patrick Roy sans the bat shit crazy. In 51 games this year for the Guelph Storm of the OHL McCollum had a Goals Against Average of 2.05 along with 4 shutouts and a record of 25-17. Not exactly eye popping numbers, but this is what NHL Scout Al Jensen had to say about him:

"Number one attribute is his net position, it's second to none, there are rarely any holes and he has a great butterfly. When he is challenging and at the top of his game he is very tough to beat. He has good net coverage and he is very competitive; capable of making the big saves for his team. He handles the puck well and his play has gotten better over the course of the year by leaps and bounds. He is definitely one of those franchise type of goalies in the future. You can see that his team is very confident in front of him and he can see through screens very well. In saying all of this, I rarely see him out of position."

Needless to say, I can't wait till this kid gets the call from the big club, he could be fun to watch.

That's all for me today, tomorrow is the 4th of July and it would be unpatriotic to not show you this picture as I end the post. I will have something for you on Friday for sure. It's great to be back!

God Bless America!

Pregnancy Pacts and Other Stupidity

2008-06-21T15:46:00.003-04:00

No, I'm not really going to comment on the 17 Massachusetts high school girls who apparently decided that getting pregnant all at the same time would be more fun than a barrel full of monkeys. I'll let you read about it on your own.

In other news, after years of defending Fernando Rodney and his pitching "ability," I have decided to completely disown him as one of my likable Tigers pitchers. Fernando Rodney, in two appearances this season, has the most atrocious stat line I have ever seen in my life. In his two appearances this season, Fernando Rodney has recorded exactly one out. ONE OUT! He's allowed five runs on three hits, allowed one home run, walked three batters, blown one save, lost one game, and has an ERA of 135.00. Let me type that out so you don't think I made some sort of mistake. Fernando Rodney's Earned Run Average is one hundred and thirty five point zero zero.

The grace period is over for Fernando Rodney in my book. I know he was hurt, I know it is too early to jump all over his ass, but he has played the role of firetruck to the Tigers' hot streak and completely cooled them off. Rodney returned to the lineup on Monday and promptly blew his first save opportunity and gave Freddy Dolsi his first loss of the season when he served up a three run bomb to John Bowker that essentially won the game for the Giants and stopped the Tigers' 6 game win streak. The Tigers rebounded and won the next two games in San Fran mainly in part to the fact that Rodney's ass was planted firmly to the bullpen bench. Then last night he un superglues his ass from the bench and finds himself in the ball game again. Rodney faced two batters, walked them both a la Rick Vaughn, and was removed from the game. Fossum came in and the two runners Rodney gave free passes to scored on the next pitch. Basically, Fernando Rodney I am officially done defending you in the left field stands or in Toledo when you're doing rehab starts and assholes are talking shit to you. Maybe retirement would work. Freddy Dolsi is doing fine Jim...keep Rodney on the bench. DON'T FUCK WITH THE STREAK MEAT!!

Zumaya pitched last night in front of his home town fans with the bases loaded and nobody out, did as well as you would kind of expect. He gave up a two run single against his first batter then got the next one to ground out, struck out the next, and then walked the guy after that to end his work for the night. Zumaya threw the fastball for 99 mph a few times and even hit 100 mph on the PetcoPark radar gun which really impresses the hell out of me. Time will tell us if he is going to be able to spot that fastball around the plate and be a semi-effective reliever again. Right now though, he's better than Fernando. Shit, I'M better than Fernando right now.

There is a moderate to strong chance you may see a live blog tonight since I'm broke as a joke and can't afford to go out for Lezak's birthday even though my life is in danger if I don't go. It's a chance I'm willing to take.

In the meantime enjoy this video of newscasters being Freudian...

See more funny videos at CollegeHumor

STATE CHAMPS!!

2008-06-17T14:45:00.012-04:00

Saturday June 14th was more than just the date of Chris and the now lovely Cheryl Reul's wedding. June 14th 2008 will forever go down in history as one of the greatest days the community of Grass Lake will ever see. Saturday, June 14...the day the Warriors won the state baseball championship for the first time in this century.

(Editor's Note: I am the real douchebag here. If I offended anyone I am deeply sorry. It was my own poor attempt at making light of a situation that was ugly and not true to anyone's actual personality. I am sorry.)

I have known Ben now for about 5 years. We coached JV football together at Grass Lake, attended classes at JCC together, and have probably tipped back a few adult beverages together. Ben is a good friend of mine and when his baseball team took the field for the first time this season, I had to skip class and be there to see it. Looking back, I probably should have stayed home. The first game of the season for the Warriors resulted in a loss to Clinton. They did win the second game of the doubleheader was Ben Hamilton's first win as a varsity baseball coach. Little did they know...there would be a lot more wins to come.

Grass Lake would go on to win the Cascades Conference Title for the first time since 1993. The Jackson Citizen Patriot Diamond Classic for the first time ever in their first appearance in that tourney. The District Title in anticlimactic fashion in a drubbing of Ann Arbor Gabriel Richard. The Regional championship in a blowout of much disliked Lumen Christi earned the Warriors a trip to the State Quarterfinals for the first time since my middle brother Aaron's team was there in the spring of 2003. Blissfield was next.

Blissfield High School is one of the most storied baseball programs in the state of Michigan. They have won a record 7 state championships and were in the quarterfinals for the fourth season in a row. Their coach Larry Tuttle is the winningest coach in Michigan's history winning his 1000th game earlier this season. Blissfield was a force to be reckoned with.

Fresh off his dominating, 11 strikeout performance against Lumen Christi in the Regional finals, Charlie Fisher took the rubber again to face Blissfield and all their tradition and obnoxious fans. Tradition however, doesn't score you runs. Fisher threw the most dominant game I have ever seen at any level, striking out 14 Royals while allowing just 4 hits in a complete game shut out. GL would go on to beat the Royals 1-0 after Jordon Bliss doubled into the gap to start the 5th inning. Steven O'Hotzke bunted him over to third, and Jon Lesinski roped a single into right to score the game's only run and send the Warriors to Battle Creek and the State Semi-Finals to face off with Beavers of Beaverton.

I rode with my parents and little brother Austin to the game and had been talking non-stop about the storm that was coming in and how the MHSAA was going to screw up the re-scheduling process if it came to that. Sure enough, we get there in time to watch both teams warm up and then Mother Nature decided to piss all over the place for a couple hours which pushed the start of the game back to 8 o'clock.

Casey Hall took the mound to face the Beavers who had previously been in the state title game the year before where they lost to upstart Hillsdale in extra innings. Most of the kids on that team were back and their fans were drunk and obnoxious the whole game, thinking that it was a lock that their boys would be back in the title game again this season. Casey Hall and the Warrior defense had other ideas. Hall pitched a complete game allowing one run and struck out seven in the ballsiest pitching performance I've seen since Aaron was pitching on the 2003 team. The defense turned two HUGE double plays to bail Casey out of some jams and the catcher Lesinski picked off a pinch runner at second to end another inning. After the game we wandered on to the field to talk with a few of the boys and congratulate them like we always do. After a Travis Rubingh bearhug, I looked in the dugout and saw a small sign hanging in there that read, "Warriors Eat Beavers Go Blue!" The Warriors were going to the state championship game.

Before I talk about the surreal State Championship game, I am going to tell you all a little bit about Joe Bechtel. Joe was my coach in high school up until my senior year when he retired after his son Jonathon graduated. Joe Coached baseball and football while teaching PE at Grass Lake for 30+ years. He touched the lives of probably thousands of kids in his years at Grass Lake and to this day, nobody can say anything bad about the man. Joe died of cancer on November 21st, 2003. The fall of 2004 was my second season coaching JV football with Ben. The seniors on this baseball team were small, nervous freshman when I told them with tears in my eyes that we were dedicating everything we did that season to the memory of Joe and everything he stood for. That team went undefeated. With Joe, you worked hard and you played hard, a mantra that this senior class lived by. They named the football stadium and athletic complex at Grass Lake High School after him which was a nice gesture but the best gesture, the best thing about it all is that these kids, who never played for or were taught by Joe, know his lessons through the coaches they play for as most of them played for Joe back in their high school days as well. While the JB on the sleeves of the baseball teams may fade away, his lessons and legacy will carry on in the town of Grass Lake forever. Joe also won baseball state championships in 1980 and 1988. 80-88-08. (That's a palindrome dad, it looks the same in reverse, kind of like racecar.)

We missed the first half of the first inning. Dad, Austin, and I had to go mow Gramma and Grappa Cole's lawn and it took longer than expected. I half jogged half sprinted (which is about full speed for me) through CO Brown Stadium to find Dusty and Kyle on the fence down the left field line and promptly threw a dip in and leaned on the fence with Dad and Austin following close behind.

We probably should have taken our time. Allendale scored two runs in the bottom of the first off of Fisher. I was very, very nervous that this was going to be reminiscent of the football state championships that was quarterbacked by Austin in the fall of 2006. All the build up but resulting in a heartbreaking loss. There would be no heartbreak in Grass Lake on this day.

The play seemed easy enough. With one out in the top of the second, Steven Ostrovich popped up to the middle of the infield, the Allendale third baseman jogged over and it looked like a routine can of corn for out number two, but the unthinkable happened. The kid dropped the ball. Just straight dropped it. It wasn't a windy day or a bright day or anything, he just simply let the ball hit his glove and fall harmlessly to the ground. That play opened the floodgates. Allendale would eventually commit a probable state record eight errors (see picture below) all of which would result in runs. The Warriors went on to score five in the second, four in the fourth, and five in the sixth for a total of 14 runs to Allendale's 4. Fisher didn't have his best stuff that day, but he didn't need his best stuff. The defense was there for him, notably the unassisted (and freakin sweet) double play by O'Hotzke after he made a diving stab on a line drive at second, got up and jogged in his confused way, back to second to double up the runner.

I looked at dad before the boys took the field in the bottom of the sixth and asked, "Is this really about to happen?" I almost spoke too soon as Allendale started getting on base and plated two runs before Ben walked out to the mound to talk briefly with Fisher and his infield. Soon after, a ground ball to first baseman Travis Rubingh sent Warrior Nation into a frenzy (on a side note, did anyone else notice that the city of Allendale didn't get the memo that their team was in the championship game? They had probably a few dozen people on their side while the GL side of the stadium was packed to the rafters. C'mon Allendale, what the hell? Friggin yuppies). Mom burst into tears, Dad and I were jumping around like little kids. Dusty sprinted under the stands to the visitor's locker room entrance to sneak into the dugout and give Ben a hug. The whole scene was pure, unadulterated joy, the kind that you can only get when a small town wins a state title over a big city.

After the game, it seemed nobody wanted to leave. The seniors took cupfuls of dirt from the infield. Hamilton was mobbed by reporters from around the state. Tears of joy streamed down the faces of the parents and some fans of these kids. Jordon Bliss waved the TV cameras away from Ben as he and a teammate emptied the water bucket on their coach.

They presented Sharon Bechtel a championship medal and the number 2 jersey (retired in honor of Joe's two titles). Hugs, handshakes, and tears were all you could see down by the fence where we stood. The team bus was greeted by firetrucks which led the parade through town. Karaoke Night at Missy's Grass Shack was moved out into the street and the bus was emptied in the middle of town as the kids danced around to the sounds of Queen's "We Are The Champions." Small town livin baby, small town livin.

Nolan Herendeen, Steve O'Hotzke, Charlie Fisher, Casey Hall, John (Johnboy) Lesinski, Jordon Bliss, Cameron VanLoon, Travis Rubingh, Zach Presnell, Brett Sherwood, Jared Zenz, John Wollery, Josh Willis, Steven Ostrovich, I can't say enough how proud the town of Grass Lake is of all of you. As for the seniors of the group, I can't thank you enough for being the type of guys that all of the kids from pre-school to high school can look up to and strive to be like. You are truly a special group and I feel very privileged to have been a small part of your lives. I wish all of you the best of luck in the future even though you don't really need it, you're a group that is destined for success on and off the playing fields. Thank you for making this spring another one to remember forever.

Warriors together, Warriors forever.

I taught them that...

(thanks to Pat Rowe and the Detroit News for the photos and video)

If I Could Write a Letter To...

2008-06-16T12:31:00.007-04:00

Dear NBC's Coverage of the US Open (well, ESPN's coverage today),
Hey, I was just wondering if you could mention something about Tiger's knee being scoped a month or so ago and how "gritty" of a golfer he is for toughing it out. If you could mention it about 5 times a minute that'd be great. Oh and if you could tell Tiger to wince and yell after every shot to prove that he is indeed recovering from minor knee surgery? Awesome, thanks a lot you douchebags. I really hope Rocco Mediate wins this playoff today and your ratings plummet. Oh and one more thing...
TIGER WOODS DID NOT INVENT GOLF! QUIT TREATING HIM LIKE HE'S THE POPE! HE'S A FREAKING GOLFER!
Sincerely,
Cole

Dear Gary Sheffield,
Do everyone a favor and keep your ass planted to that bench for as long as possible. The Tigers play better ball without you. I don't mean to sound like a dick Sheff, but you have to admit...I have a point here.
Love,
Cole

Dear David Stern,
Just wanted to congratulate you on forcing another game in this Boston/LA series. The fix is obviously in and this series is going to seven with LA winning the whole thing just so the Celtics will stay relevant for another year before Paul Pierce's leg falls off like it almost did the other night (if you ask him at least, candyass). If I were you Mr. Stern, I would probably retire now before a ref comes forward and tells the story about how you went into the officials locker room and told them to let LA win that game in Sacramento among others I'm sure. It can only get worse Mr. Stern, it can only get worse.
Get out while you can,
Cole

Dear All the People Who Didn't Want Ben Hamilton to Coach The GL Baseball Team,
How'd you like that State Championship parade Saturday night?
Just wondering,
Cole

Dear Fernando Rodney,
Welcome back to the Tigers! That's a hell of a case of tendinitis you had there. I swear to God you are one to two bad outings away from being on my permanent shit list along with Jacques Jones, Bobby Higginson, and Juan Gonzalez, so don't screw it up ok?
Seriously,
Cole

Dear Texas Rangers,
That's awesome.

Love, Everybody

Dear Kwame Kilpatrick,
You broke rule number one as mayor of Detroit...you got caught. You got caught bangin some broad and lied about it after costing the City of Detroit millions of dollars in wrongful termination and whistleblowing suits (and that dead stripper from your inauguration party is a little shady too). I have to tell you that I'm just disappointed in you. You took office with so much potential and charisma and now...now you're just a disgraced mayor of a city in economic turmoil. It's probably about time that you just attempt to save face and resign. You would've been a great senator but you went ahead and threw it all away. All you had to do was tell the truth...
You should be ashamed of yourself,
Cole

Dear Detroit Tigers,
Whoa, no, I don't want to talk to you. Like Crash Davis said, "you never fuck with a streak."
Keep beatin that ass though...

Dear Grass Lake Warriors Baseball Team,
It couldn't have happened to a better group of kids.
Love,
Cole (your post is comin boys don't worry)

MIGGY!

2008-06-12T15:18:00.005-04:00

Three strong outings by Tigers pitching results in three wins and a sweep of the Pale Hosers
from the Windy City.

The White Sox were arguably one of the hottest teams in baseball coming into Detroit, winning their last 7 games in convincing fashion and were securely atop the central division. The Tigers pitching staff cooled off the hot bats and the result was a sweep of the division leaders.

Robertson was strong in Tuesdays 6-4 win, Verlander threw a four hit, complete game gem in last night's 5-1 win, and The Gambler threw 8 innings of four hit, one run ball in today's victory.

The biggest story of this series, or namely the last two games is the hopeful resurgence of one Miguel Cabrera. Miggy went 5/12 for the series with 3 RBI and the walk off home run this afternoon. I know, these aren't mind blowing numbers but when you consider how God awful he was against the Tribe this weekend...those are numbers that are much better than a kick in the junk. You just have to keep in mind, the guy is 25 years old and has an entire baseball crazed town looking at him through the microscope every time he steps on the field with that 8 year $152 million deal he signed before the season started. You can't really blame the guy for trying to be Baseball Jesus out there every day. Once he realizes that he can't win a batting title with every at bat, he'll allow himself to get into a groove and be the player we all expected him to eventually be.

I wrote a post what seems to be about a month back after the Tigers swept the Yankees in New York saying "they're back, this is the team we thought they would be!" I am not even going to say that this time because it's not true. They swept a team that came into Detroit after winning seven in a row and something like 10 of their last 11. That's great. They gained three games in the division to move up to 8 games behind the Central leaders. Nice. But when you back up and look at it, after this three game win streak they're on...they are 5-5 in their last ten games and are still 8 games below .500. Is this a sign that the Tigers are playing well again? Sure, they're playing better than they were but there is still way too much work to go before anyone can get too excited. If/when they get back to .500, then I'll be excited and will start looking at playoff ticket packages. Until then, it is entirely too early to get too excited or even too pissed off about this Tigers team.

The road doesn't get much easier as the Dodgers come into town for a three game interleague set. The Dodgers have been playing mediocre baseball as of late, going 4-6 in their last ten and are trailing the West Division leaders Arizona by 3.5 games. After the series against LA, the Tigers travel to San Fran to play in the park that Juice built, and then to PetCo or whatever the hell it's called to play San Diego before returning home to play the Cardinals and Rockies.

I will go on record and say it right now...if ever the turn around was going to happen...it would be in these next two weeks during interleague play. The Tigers basically need to win 10-12 of their 15 interleague games coming up to have a shot at staying in the race. Anything less than 8 wins and I will be in full fledged disaster mode.
In other news...

REMEMBER THIS GUY??!!

Not only are the Tigers on a three game winner, they also have a couple of good arms almost ready to come back. Apparently Zumaya's rehab is going great and is due back with the team next week sometime. Zumaya had a rough rehab appearance last night in Toledo as he wasn't locating his stuff well. The good news is, he was topping 100 mph on the 5th/3rd field radar gun which is great news. I can't wait to hear "Voodoo Child," come on and see the fireballer jog out of the bullpen again. Oh and everyone's least favorite pitcher Fernando Rodney is due back as well. Say what you will about Fernando, when he's on his game, he is nearly unhittable, and you know it.

It will be interesting to watch here in the next couple weeks as the season essentially hangs in the balance.

Meanwhile Back at the Hall of Justice...

2008-06-11T14:05:00.003-04:00

I'M BACK!! I'm pretty sure nobody missed me but whatever I'm fine with it. Power outages and lack of internet accessibility really puts a limit on how much a guy can do. Let's get after it then...

Michael Curry is the new head coach of the Detroit Pistons. I think Curry has a total of about 35 minutes of head coaching experience under his belt and only one season as an assistant. However, he was the NBAPA player rep or something along those lines so he has a good rep with the players which is something but not everything. Having an in with the players is not the main ingredient to success, you have to know how to COACH the players. I'm not really doubting that Curry will be a good if not great coach, it just kind of makes me wonder why you hand the keys to a successful franchise to a guy who has only a little more head NBA coaching experience as I do. He was a good player and is respected in a lot of different circles, but I am just wondering if this is really the best choice. At the same time however, how hard could it really be to coach an NBA team? It's got to be right up there with beating a retard in checkers. Not that hard if you have the players.

Speaking of the players, who is going to be traded where? The free agent market is garbage this year so that means for the Pistons to improve they will have to do it via a trade or some "sleeper" pick in an equally weak draft class. I am pretty much betting that Sheed is going to get Sheeded on and traded to some team full of bums to end his career as the best player in the league when he wanted to be. One idea I just brewed up was a trade to the Spurs for like Bruce Bowen or something. He still plays for the Spurs right? I like the way he plays. Dirty.

When you think about it though, you have two real trade options. Sheed, and Chauncey. You can't trade Prince because, well, you just can't. Rip is still capable of averaging 25 a night. Stuckey is going to be a borderline superstar in the league. Maxiel is also on his way to having a cult like following a la Ben Wallace. Basically Sheed and Chauncey are the ones who need to go in order to get some fresh blood in the organization. Look for one or either of them to go to a contender (Phoenix, Dallas, Utah, um Cleveland?) in exchange for some youngsters with potential or future draft picks. But then again, I'm just some asshole and don't know what I'm talking about at all.

One of the most electrifying and prolific netminders in the history of the NHL, Dominic Hasek retired from the NHL on Monday. Hasek also retired after the Wings won the cup in 2002, but this time it is for real. Dominic Hasek will be known most for his acrobatic goaltending throughout his long NHL career which started in Chicago as Ed Belfour's backup, then took him to Buffalo where he came within a Brett Hull skateblade away from winning Buffalo's first major sports championship. He was traded to Detroit in the summer of 2001 and won the cup in that first season with the Wings. As a hockey fan, I loved watching his flop around, rob a goal style with all the SportsCenter highlight reel saves. When he played with the Wings in 2001-2002, he was amazingly fun to watch, but he also made me want to pull my hair out one hair at a time with his borderline recklessness. It worked though and I will always enjoy thinking of the Dominator in a Red Wings sweater. Although I wholeheartedly disagree with Mitch Albom's idea of retiring Hasek's number, which is just absurd, I will never argue that he wasn't one of the game's best. Below is my favorite memory of Dominic Hasek, other than him hoisting the Cup of course.

Dontrelle Willis is now playing for the Tigers. Not the Detroit Tigers, the Lakeland Flying Tigers. Willis was sent down after he did his best Rick Vaughn impression Monday night against the Tribe, allowing 8 runs on 3 hits in one and a third innings of work. Normally I would go off on a tangent on Dombrowski and the Illitch's but in this case, there is something Dimitri Young-esque wrong with Dontrelle Willis and I feel bad for the guy. His velocity is still close to what it was, his breaking stuff is fine, he just can't get the ball over the plate. When you combine this with the probable loss of Bonderman for the season, the Tigers' pitching staff is in absolute disarray. The good news though, Robertson pitched a decent game in picking up the win last night against the previously streaking White Sox and Galaragga is looking just as strong. Verlander goes tonight against the hated Pale Hosers from the Windy City. The starting pitching staff has up until Monday night, been one of the best in baseball in the last ten games, the only problem is, as per fucking usual, the bats remained silent resulting in a 4-6 record. Needless to say, the Tigers need to really go on a run here at home before they go out west again for some Interleague play action with the Giants and Padres. In fact, after Friday night's game against the Sox, the Tigers don't play an American League team until the 30th in Minnesota. Great.

To wrap this post up, there is a news reporter in Detroit who needs to be run out of town.

C'mon, use your head ya stupid broad.

Working Class Heroes

2008-06-06T11:56:00.006-04:00

Dallas Drake. I remember playing NHL 93 on Sega Genesis and always being the Red Wings. Steve Yzerman was my first line center but I had to have the young Dallas Drake as my second liner (hell, I was ten, what did I know right?). Dallas Drake has played over 1000 games in the NHL and up until this season, never played in the Stanley Cup Finals. Dallas Drake once said, "If the Stanley Cup was rolling down the street, I wouldn't try to stop it unless I had won it." Nick Lidstrom gave the cup directly to Dallas Drake after receiving it from Gary Bettman Wednesday night. Dallas Drake has earned this Stanley Cup.

Dan Cleary. The first Newfoundlander to win the Stanley Cup.

Kris Draper. We bought him for a dollar from the Winnepeg Jets. Four Cups later, he was the best dollar ever spent.

Chris Chelios. Just seen drinking a beer while riding in the victory parade. You can find him at Cheli's all day today, probably getting hammered with about a thousand of his closest friends.

Kirk Maltby. One of the original members of the Grind Line. You don't get more blue collar than that.

Nick Lidstrom. Was once voted the greatest hockey player in the world by the Sporting News. He could play on any team anywhere for any amount of money but he insists on taking the comparably modest pay just to wear the Winged Wheel on his sweater for 82 nights a year. When they awarded him the captain's C after Stevie Y's retirement, I was a little skeptical. I thought it should go to a more vocal guy like Kris Draper. Looking back on it now, they made the right choice. Nick Lidstrom is the heart and soul.

Thomas Holmstrom. Who would have ever thought that Homer would be such an important part of four Stanley Cup Championships? This is a guy who takes an absolute pounding in front of the net night in and night out and he does it all for the team.

Darren McCarty. The definition of working class hero.
Darren McCarty was drafted in the second round in 1992 by the Detroit Red Wings. After one season with the Adriondack Red Wings, McCarty got the call to the big club and never really looked back. He scored a career high 49 points in the 96-97 season. The 1997 Stanley Cup season was the first Cup for Darren McCarty. March 26th, 1997 was when Darren McCarty won the eternal love of Red Wings fans everywhere when he exacted revenge on Claude Lemieux for his hit on Kris Draper in the 96 Conference Finals which made Draper eat through a straw for a month or so. Not only did he beat up that dickhead, but he dragged him over to the boards and rubbed his bloody face on them in front of the Wings bench. After the fight, the game went to overtime and in a fitting way, Darren McCarty scored the game winning goal to set the tone for the rest of the season and the first of three Stanley Cup runs.

D-Mac fell on hard times in the last few years though. Battling through his personal troubles with bankruptcy and alcohol and drug addictions, Darren McCarty was out of hockey until this season when his good friend Kris Draper told him to make a comeback and play for his Flint Generals of the IHL. After about ten games with the Generals, the Red Wings came calling again. After a brief stint with the Griffins, McCarty was back on the Wings roster and back to his "goon with hands" ways. Darren McCarty's story is truly a great one of personal triumphs. I remember when I met Darren McCarty. It was at a celebrity softball game after their first cup. My elementary school gym teacher Mr. Vecellio took my brother and I after his wife had snagged us some tickets. We sat and watched right behind their fenced in dugout. I didn't have any cards or posters for anyone to sign, but I did have a dollar bill. I timidly walked up to the fence after McCarty popped out to short (not a good softball player Darren McCarty) and said, "Mr McCarty, can you sign this for me?" He turned around and laughed at me. "Who the hell is Mr. McCarty? Call me Darren. What's your name? Where you from? You play hockey? Who's your favorite player? This is pretty cool eh?" I was 14 years old and carrying on a conversation with my favorite Red Wing this side of Steve Yzerman. I still have that dollar bill.

The modern day Red Wings have won exactly zero cups without Darren McCarty on the roster. Coincidence? Probably not.

Working class heroes for a working class city. The great City of Detroit cannot thank these guys enough for all they've done, especially right now.

Hopefully I'll see the Cup again tonight at the CoPa.

STANLEYTOWN!!!

2008-06-04T23:26:00.003-04:00

It weighs 35 pounds...until you pick it up.

I can't help but think back to 1997 at times like this. I remember it well. In Grass Lake there was a nasty storm that knocked the power out just before the start of the second period. The whole family took the 10 minute drive to grandma's house to watch the rest of the game on CBC in their RV. I spent that whole night listening to WJR's post game interviews until they finally stopped at about 4 in the morning. In 1998 my family didn't have cable and the antenna reception wasn't very good. I spent most of the playoffs in my room listening to the games on the radio while banging a tennis ball against a wall and eating spearmint Lifesavers. I still remember Ken Kal's call of the last seconds against Philly. In 2002 I finally got to watch the playoffs from the comfort of my own living room to watch Scotty Bowman strap on the skates and take a lap with The Cup.

This year will be another great memory for me. I watched the game at the Roundtree Pub in Ypsilanti because we don't have a working television in my ghetto ass apartment right now. The whole bar held its collective breath as Hossa nearly sent the game to overtime. When that puck didn't cross the line and time ran out (time was out anyway but still) the 23 or so people in that little shithole bar went absolutely nuts. And I can say without losing any sort of manhood that seeing Nick Lidstrom take the cup from Gary (f-ing) Bettman nearly brought a tear to my eye.

This team was the definition of team. Yeah, the Wings have their superstars in Datsyuk, Zetterberg, and Lidstrom but they are so much more than that. Holmstrom, Cleary, Franzen, Draper, Kronwall, Stuart, Flippula, Samuelsson, Maltby, Hudler, Helm, Drake, Chelios, Rafalski, are just a few of the role players, the blood and guts guys, who really make this team go.

Speaking of blood and guts...CHRIS OSGOOD!!! As I may have mentioned before, once Hasek was benched and Ozzie took over, there was a great debate raging about how good Chris Osgood really is. Well, the guy has now won two Stanley Cups and was arguably a contender for the Conn Smythe Trophy this year (which was very deservedly given to Henrik Zetterberg by the way). I will go on record right now and say, Chris Osgood is a Hall of Fame goaltender. Things were going very poorly early in the Nashville series and Mike Babcock wisely chose to go with Ozzie to turn things around. He slammed the door against Nashville, stood on his head in the sweep of the Avs (haha, bitches), looked unstoppable early in the Dallas series, and started the series with the Pens as strong as I've ever seen a netminder play. The way Ozzie played against this extremely talented Pittsburgh team was nothing short of outstanding.

Going into the season, everyone, myself included, thought the Wings would be a tough team who might make a small run in the playoffs and have a nice season. I never once thought during the regular season (especially during that dry spell in February) that this team, full of has beens and not yets, would be hoisting Lord Stanley's Cup during the first week of June. After winning the President's Trophy all I could think about was how it was a curse. When things went bad against Nashville it was like 1994 against the Sharks all over again. When Ozzie stepped in and the Wings won 10 straight with him in net, THAT was when I started to believe that something special was happening in the Spring of 2008. Sure enough, something special happened.

The Detroit Red Wings are the 2007-2008 Stanley Cup Champions!

Perhaps Tonight?

2008-06-04T19:24:00.003-04:00

Puck drops in Pittsburgh at about 8:20ish tonight for game 6.
I have no cable or antenna TV.
Son of a bitch.

To kill off the 40 or so minutes we have until the game starts feel free to watch the Brian Bellows video again. Try substituting "Crosby" every time they say "Bellows." It really helps to pass the time. If you're tired of the Brian Bellows video (if you are then you are obviously Mormon) feel free to check out the other two below it which are also repeats from previous posts.

Bring it home tonight boys.

Flip Out

2008-06-03T17:31:00.005-04:00

Not out like "out of the closet." Out as in relieved of his post as coach of the Detroit Pistons.

I for one always placed the blame on the players instead of Flip for losing in the Conference Finals every year. If Flip did what he did in other towns, he would have frigging streets named after him already. Apparently the Pistons and I don't see eye to eye on this matter. From what Joe Dumars said in an AP interview, more personnel changes are possibly on the horizon (ahem, Sheed, Chauncey, Rip).

"Make no mistake, everybody is in play right now," said Joe Dumars, the Pistons' president of basketball operations. "There are no sacred cows here. You lose that sacred cow status when you lose three straight years. I think this team became way too content and did not show up with a sense of urgency to get it done," Dumars said at a news conference. "I can't sugarcoat it. It is what it is." Dumars stopped short of saying he would dismantle the Pistons. "The idea you can make yourself bad and make yourself good again, that's a farce," he said. "I have no interest in completely ripping the team down. Will I look to making significant changes? Yeah, you're damn right I will." (Thanks Associated Press for the quotes)

You know what, this one simple interview with Joe Dumars and what he said in it, has completely changed my view of the Detroit Pistons. Someone FINALLY said what needed to be said. The team and the organization got complacent and now changes need to be made. Rumor has it that a strong candidate to replace Flip is former Dallas Mavericks coach Avery Johnson who is basically the Western Conference's version of Flip Saunders. Johnson has had nothing but extremely talented teams for the last few years in Dallas and has won exactly zero championships and has even bowed out in the first or second rounds. Not exactly who I would go with.

Personally, I would love to see the Pistons go with Larry Brown but he's a little busy these days with the Bobcats. Another name I would like to throw out there is the man that started it all...Rick Carlisle. In reality however, current Pistons assistant coach Michael Curry is rumored to be the leading candidate.

In Red Wing news...You know what, I'm still too upset about last night to write anything about it just yet.

34.5 seconds.

DAMNIT

Um, Wow?

2008-06-03T10:33:00.004-04:00

This happened down in Mexico during a bicycle race just south of the American border. I first saw this picture this morning on FoxNews as part of my morning routine, but soon after seeing it had to wipe the coffee off of my computer screen. 1 man died and 10 were injured.

For some reason I can't help but think about this...

34.5 seconds...I'll talk about that later.

I know I know I'm going to hell yeah yeah yeah.

If I Could Write a Letter To...

2008-06-02T12:28:00.014-04:00

Dear Joe Dumars,

Ok, here is my proposed plan of action. Trade Sheed. Trade Chauncey. Draft somebody good. That's all I really have for you. The free agent market is the worst I've ever seen it so basically all you can do is make some shrewd trades here and there and see if you can't keep the success of your team going. Why trade Sheed? Because he's done. It's as simple as that. Rasheed Wallace is not what he used to be by any stretch of the imagination and he's become not so much a distraction but more along the lines of a waste of space. The only conceivable place you could send Sheed is Charlotte so he can be reunited with Larry Brown. The only problem with that is, there won't be much coming back in return unless Jordan doesn't like Okafor anymore which would be nice. Chauncey on the other hand, I would actually hate to see him go as I have really enjoyed watching him play over the past few years. In my opinion, Rodney Stuckey is ready to take the reins of this team and lead them to the promised land, or at least back to the Eastern Conference Finals which is where Pistons seasons seem to go to die anyway. Congratulations Joe on building a franchise that most cities would be peeing their pants to have, but as for the city of Auburn Hills and her neighbors, it's time to change things up a bit.

Sincerely,

Cole

Dear Readers,
If you had the Stanley Cup for a day, what would you do with it?
Seriously,
Cole

Dear Detroit Tigers,
Congratulations on climbing out of the AL Central cellar this weekend. You're 6 games back from the White Sox and are still very much in contention after a horrendous April and May. Do everyone a favor now, sweep the A's this week then come back to Detroit and beat the chaw spit out of the Tribe this weekend. It's probably time to go on a nice little winning streak now. Any time you're ready just let us know ok? You're lucky that most everyone in Detroit is watching the Wings right now, otherwise there would be a lot more pissed off Tigers fans out there than just yours truly.
Don't Turn Into The Pistons,
Cole

Dear Jonathan Papelbon and the Dropkick Murphys,
Thank you so much for teaching me this dance so I could properly celebrate the Celtics win over the Pistons Friday night in Ronnie's living room.

Thanks again for helping me piss off my Piston loving friends!
Cole

Dear Sidney Crosby,
"We know what we gotta do. We gotta win to stay alive." No shit Sid? You mean that in a 7 game series, the first team to lose four times is out of the series? That's how that works? Your genius rivals that of Forrest Gump. Do the hockey world a favor too, next year, focus more on playing hockey than bitching about the guys in the other sweaters being actual hockey players.
All the best to your daddy Mario,
Cole

Dear Detroit Pistons,
After a while it just stops hurting.
Signed,
The Buffalo Bills

Dear Eastern Michigan University,
Just wanted to say, nice work trying to polish a turd by putting up those little lightpost banners touting the excellence of EMU and EMU Athletics around Ypsilanti. The problem is, you can't polish a turd. It is impossible. If it were possible to polish a turd, I would recommend a few things. First of all, maybe raise the standards of admission just a touch. Eastern Michigan is usually everyone's last choice because let's face it, everyone gets in to Eastern. Hell, I got in so what's that say? It's time to quit acting like a community college with your admissions policies and maybe attract a different type of student. Like the serious-ish type. Another would be to maybe tear down a few buildings or purchase more land (with imaginary money of course) and build some nice new parking lots. I will have to begin driving to class every day and it would be nice if I could find a spot before my class is over this time. You should also consider getting rid of all of your chalkboards. That's right, I said it, EMU still has chalkboards and VCRs on carts that teachers have to sign out to use if they want to show an 1980s era public television show about interracial communication or math. I can handle the VCRs on carts, but the blackboards? I would take a ten cents a credit hour raise in tuition to put whiteboards in every classroom. Not that anyone uses them but still. Another point I would like to raise is to do something, ANYTHING to get students to actually go to football or basketball or baseball or softball games. Make it a tailgate friendly environment over at the Convocation Center (conveniently located about a mile away from campus...brilliant move there late 90s administration). If you tell kids that they can booze and then go to a game with little to no repercussions, people will go. I'm not saying sell beer at the games, just encourage a little binge drinking on Saturday afternoons in Ypsilanti. You know why Western and Central games are well attended? Not because of the quality of teams they throw out there, it's because their students have been drinking all day in anticipation of being drunk and disorderly in the stands for the game. It's the "Win or Lose We're Gonna Booze," mentality that you need. Trust me on this one ok?
I hate your guts and can't wait to leave you,
Cole

Dear Detroit Red Wings,
You are 60 hockey minutes away from hoisting Lord Stanley's Cup. Nothing more needs to be said.
Love,
Cole

On This Date... Nothing Happened

2008-05-30T14:57:00.004-04:00

Yesterday, the Detroit sports world stood still and I decided to stand still with it.
Actually, I decided to smoke a cigar Otter (yes, Otter is still alive we just don't have cable or internet in the living room so we can't live blog and we all miss out on his um, witty comments) bought for me a couple weeks ago and enjoy a bottle of rum. It was like I was a living, breathing JoBu (from the Major League movies c'mon people). I received my first purchase order from the Tobacco Juice Store yesterday, which was exciting until I realized that I was the one who bought the shirts. The "Got Swedes?" and "Cleveland Doesn't Rock" shirts came out very nicely and I will be wearing them at every given opportunity. Tagless Fruit of The Loom Shirts are the essence of comfort. I suggest you buy some.

Anyways, on tap for tonight we have the Tigers starting a three game set with the ever so gracious Mariners at 10:10 which is an odd start time even for the West Coast. The Pistons end their good run tonight when they lose to the Celtics in game 6 of the Eastern Conference Finals on ESPN at 8:30. Also playing tonight is the lookintheattic.com coed slowpitch softball team at 8:20. That is if Mother Nature doesn't piss all over the place as she is expected to do.

On a more serious but not that serious note, what is wrong with the Detroit Pistons? I'm not talking about what is wrong with their play but what is wrong with the attitude surrounding that team? I am not the only person who just doesn't care that much about them anymore. Why do you think that is? I think this is mainly due to the fact that they topped out too soon. They should not have won that championship against the Lakers in 2004. They shouldn't have. That was supposed to be Phil Jackson's 9th title. Shaq and Kobe were supposed to win their what like third in a row or something along those lines? It was supposed to be a sweep of the Pistons in the NBA Finals but instead, as the Free Press called it, it was a "Five Game Sweep," by the Pistons. They've been to the Eastern Conference Finals every year, and the NBA Finals once since then. I would like to think that had the Pistons lost to the Lakers in 2004, things might be very different. Fans would still give a rats ass about them in the Conference Finals every year instead of saying, "Oh the Pistons are on? What round is it? Who are they playing?" Detroit Pistons fans have been spoiled by success. And I am the biggest culprit of that. Many of you have read what I have said about this. How I was a huge fan and would go to Palacevision or see them play in Indy during the playoffs. Now though, I am simply not interested in going. Even if the tickets were free, I would probably say, "Eh, I'm good. I'll just watch the highlights later." If you give me Red Wings tickets I'm going no questions asked. I'll drop everything to go watch them play and not just in the playoffs.

Why would I do this? Because, I am simply tired of the Pistons, their fans, their players, their administration, and their arena. It's all just old news to me now. I remember when they started playing good again after they got rid of the awful teal unis with the flaming horse on the front. It was very exciting. 7 years and one championship later though, the whole idea of the Detroit Pistons is just stale to me. The Red Wings on the other hand are technically in the same boat. Years and years of successful regular season teams has spoiled fans but the playoff flops since 2002, have actually kept them somewhat interested. Which makes this trip to the Stanley Cup Finals even more special for everyone involved.

In Eastern Michigan Hurons news, the baseball team, champions of the MAC tournament, is playing as we speak at Fisher Stadium in Ann Arbor. As of writing this, EMU is leading perrennial power Arizona 6-5 in the bottom of the 6th. This would be an upset the likes of the Earl Boykins led team's upset of top seeded Duke in the NCAA Basketball tournament. However, due to the double elimination format of the NCAA Baseball tourney, it wouldn't be nearly as exciting as sending a top seed home early. It would be nice, but not THAT nice. Hopefully they will be able to pull this one out.

Speaking of baseball, the Grass Lake Warriors open up district tournament play tomorrow afternoon against Ann Arbor Gabriel Richard. This is a match up that I take special interest in as Richard was the team that knocked my junior year baseball team (a great, great team if I do say so myself) on a fluky play in the district finals. Bases were loaded and Mike Masten hit a bullet back to the pitcher who threw his hands up in self defense and randomly caught the ball to end the season. Needless, to say, I would really like to see Hamilton's boys put a whoopin on the whatever the hell they're called from Ann Arbor Richard.

The Scripps Howard National Spelling Bee is on (I hear Erin Andrews is doing the sideline reporting for it, which makes me giggle a bit) and the lone participant from Jackson County was Tristan Schrot from Our Lady of Fatima elementary school in Michigan Center. Tristan did well but missed on his first word on the stage. The word was, "Personalia." He spelled it "persanalia." Which just goes on to prove my theory that private schools are not as good as public schools. Really Tristan? You know there's no A in the word, "person." I don't want to call the kid a choke artist, but he choked worse than Greg Norman at the Masters. Way to go Tristan, way to go. You can watch all of the smart Asian kids spell words you've never heard of tonight at 8 on ABC.

HEY BARTENDER! JOBU NEEDS A REFILL!

Eh, That'll Happen

2008-05-28T22:53:00.003-04:00

REMAIN CALM! ALL IS WELL!!

We've got good news and bad news. Bad news is the Wings lost. Good news is they are still up 2-1 in the series and will look to go up 3-1 on Saturday in Pittsburgh.

As for the game...ok well call me a sinner but I didn't really see much of it due to a flag football commitment (team Heisman got beat badly. And yes, that is the team I'm on which pisses me off even more that I missed the game to go and get our asses handed to us, great idea not). I did catch a lot of it on the radio to and from the game though so I won't be just reading everything off of the recap and posting it on here.

Mule had a nice game for the Wings and was even awarded the third star for his efforts with a goal and what I'm sure was physical play. Samuelsson scored the Wings' other goal in the third to bring the Wings within one but they couldn't get anything past the Pens defense and set up a decent shot on Fluery late and the Pens took game three. Sidney "Hockey Jesus" Crosby had two goals for Pittsburgh and Adam Hall knocked in what would be the game winner at 7:13 in the third. Judging from Ken Kal's call on 97.1 the Ticket, it was a fluky goal that was just kind of stabbed at in a pile of people. Those are the types of goals that hurt the most because more often than not, they are the goals that win the games. Especially in the playoffs.

Ozzie had his scoreless streak broken by Crosby 17:25ish into the first period then he dumped in a powerplay goal early in the second. And I just want to go on record say that I am officially very, very nervous that Crosby is going to take over this series and that Malkin will eventually remember how to play hockey and start doing what he does which is also score goals. We may have awoken the sleeping giant that is the Pens offense.

I'm not scared yet, but at the same time I am dumping in my pants out of fear that things could get ugly for our beloved Red Wings.

In other news, the Pistons were down by as much as 17 in the 3rd but are right now down 6 with 4:20 left and McDyess just fouled out of the game. I'm going to go out on a limb on this one and say that the Pistons are not going to win this contest.

In more important news, the Tigers are winning 3-0 in the bottom of the 4th against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim which is the most asinine team name this side of Team Heisman.

Really quick here let me go off on a rant on indoor rec league flag football. IT'S NOT REAL FOOTBALL!!! There are no pads, no downfield blocking, no tackling, and there is supposed to be no strategy. However, there are teams (the one I play on) that have someone actually calling plays. And worse yet DEFENSIVE SCHEMES!!! All flag football is, is backyard football with refs and flags. You don't need to scheme up a goddamned coverage system in flag football. You don't need to call plays from the bench in flag football. To the other teams in the league, you don't need wristbands with plays on them in flag football. You don't need someone filming your games so you can watch them later in flag football. You don't need practices in flag football (as one moron said to me on the bench tonight to which I replied, "yeah...no not gonna happen"). Tell you what, you get me in a professional flag football league and maybe I'll practice, maybe I'll consider watching film, maybe I'll consider coverage and alignment schemes. Until then I must repeat myself IT IS REC LEAGUE FLAG FOOTBALL! You're playing rec league flag football, you are done chasing the dream, shut up and play ball.

Why must I be surrounded by freaking idiots.

Due to my piss poor mood right now...Ladies and Gentlemen...
Brian Bellows is a superstar.

Ahhh...old time hockey

If I Could Write a Letter To...

2008-05-27T11:07:00.007-04:00

Dear Pittsburgh,
Look on the bright side, you're only 113 days away from the beginning of your Steelers annual run to mediocrity!
Somewhere in Belle Vernon, a grandmother is missing a salad bowl and a lot of tin foil.
Cole

Dear Aaron Krepps,
Looking at that picture is like looking into the future isn't it?
Cole

Dear Big Brown's Training Staff,
Do you want to make millions of dollars selling horse semen for the next 20 years or do you want to shoot your horse in front of millions of people after he collapses from his broken hoof?
Choose Wisely,
Cole (more on this letter here)

Dear Detroit Tigers,
Nice work on the sweep of the Mariners last week. And great job hanging 19 on the Twins Saturday. Really, impressive stuff right there. Also congratulations on your 8th shutout loss of the year yesterday. Walking in the winning run has got to be the most creative way you guys have lost this year. You never cease to amaze me.
Love,
Cole

Dear Detroit Tigers,
SERIOUSLY WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? YOU SCORE 19 ON SATURDAY AND THEN A COMBINED ONE RUN IN THE NEXT TWO GAMES? GET YOUR FREAKIN HEADS OUT OF YOUR ASSES! HEY CARLOS GUILLEN, I'M GETTING REALLY SICK AND TIRED OF WATCHING YOU BOOT BALLS AROUND IN THE INFIELD LIKE IT'S A GODDAMNED YOUTH LEAGUE SOCCER GAME! SHEFFIELD, I SWEAR TO GOD HIMSELF THAT IF YOU COME OUT OF A GAME WITH ANOTHER PIDDLY SHIT INJURY AGAIN THAT I WILL BOO YOU LIKE I BOOED BOBBY HIGGINSON! QUIT ACTING LIKE JUAN GONZALEZ AND BE A FREAKING BALLPLAYER! Oh, and Jim Leyland/Dave Dombrowski...DON'T YOU THINK IT'S TIME TO MAYBE SHAKE THINGS UP A BIT??
Love, Cole

Dear Detroit Pistons,
Great game yesterday. Or at least thats what they told me on SportsCenter 25 times this morning. Can you beat the Celtics? Probably. Will you beat the Lakers or Spurs if you beat the Celtics? Probably not. Eh, you had a good run.
Auburn Hills Rock City!
Cole

Dear Detroit Lions,
I'm not even going to touch this topic yet.
Cole

Dear Joakim Noah,
Congratulations on your first pot arrest!
Signed,
Ricky Williams, Nate Newton, Isaiah Rider, Shawn Kemp

Dear Pittsburgh Penguins,
I just wanted to say congratulations on making the Stanley Cup Finals. That is an accomplishment in itself and nobody can take that away from you. Also I would like to remind you that hitting the goalie is not allowed in hockey especially when the hitting takes place late in a 3-0 game. Could you tell Ryan Malone to kindly stop hitting the Red Wings best players 5 seconds after the whistle? Could you remind Brooks Orpik that there is more to hockey than being a goon, like defense? Oh yeah, and I don't want to sound like a dick here but you do know that in order to win a hockey game, at any level, you kind of have to score a goal right? Don't get me wrong, I love what you're doing right now with that whole, "wait until we get them on our ice," thing but I just don't know if it's the best plan for business. Dust off the golf clubs, it will all be over soon.
Keep Up The Great Work!
Cole

Dear PETA,
Stop being so gay about everything jeez.
America

Dear Sports Talk Radio Callers,
OK, yeah we get it, that's enough, that's enough, THAT'S ENOUGH! Seriously guys, what are you doing with your lives? I know the economy is bad and all but come on, how do you have time to call into a radio show and go on a rant about Rasheed Wallace not rebounding enough or how tough Pavel Datsyuk was last night or how the Tigers need to relocate to Montreal? Like, I, I just don't get it. And this goes especially to the ones out there who can't speak proper(ish) English. If you're gonna wait 45 minutes to talk to some dude about Tayshaun's poor ball handling skills, you could at write down what you're going to say so as to not sound like a total idiot. But then again, the people that call into radio shows are usually the one's at the check out line or stocking shelves at Wal-Mart (except for you Dave, you're in the minority for having a well paying job and still constantly calling in to radio shows at the same time). Basically what I'm saying is this: People who call in to Sports Talk Radio are pretty much the worst types of people.
(Other than those that call into Channel 95.5 of course. THEY are the absolute worst)
It's probably time to move out of mommy's basement and get a big boy job.
Cole